This week marks THREE YEARS since I started my blog. I still remember the day I was sitting on my recliner, with this very laptop, and started that blog on Blogspot.
Now here I am three years later with my rainbow baby. I will admit that I did not think it would take three years for him to be here. I thought that I would try again, get pregnant quickly, and have a healthy baby right away. Why wouldn’t I think that? Everything I was told at the time was that it was a fluke, a rarity, and I was a part of the 1% and usually people just went on to have healthy pregnancies after a loss like my first. I saw many medical professionals and they all came to this conclusion. I was attending a support group at my hospital, and we were all told that. And sure enough, three of us did get pregnant right away again – and two of them did go on to have their healthy babies but I did not. I’m the oddball.
Sometimes I wonder when I will give this blog up – or if I should give it up now that McLovin is here. I’m sure some people find this blog when going through their own losses and the last thing they want to see is an update on him or how great he is and how happy he makes us. I was so, so nervous before my first D&E and I was looking for other people’s experiences to reassure me that I would be okay. Then I was looking for other people’s stories of going on to have healthy pregnancies and children after having a first pregnancy that was “incompatible with life.” And then I came across one blog, and another, and that’s how I even came to the idea of starting a blog. After reading other people’s blogs it felt right to me to start my own so that I had a “safe place”, an outlet, for all of the messy thoughts and feelings I was experiencing after my first loss. Not about followers and comments and likes. I just needed to GET IT OUT.
But then I started connecting with others and not only was this a place to get it out, but I also received support from others. And I in turn got to read what so many other people shared, I learned so much about infertility and recurrent loss and the strength and resilience that we have inside of us. And I was able to offer my own support to them.
The past three years have been quite a journey for me. Emotionally, physically, with my relationships, with myself. And now I am a mother to a living child and I am learning new things about myself. And I am loving every moment with McLovin, even waking up every three hours during the night. It’s better than I ever thought it could be three years ago.
I often struggle when trying to decide how much to share about McLovin on here. What is the line between my story and his story and sharing too much about him? Ten, fifteen, twenty years from now – would he be upset if pictures and details about him were on the internet? Really, so much of his story is already out here because I consider the past three years and our struggles to be part of his story. Part of our story. Would he be here if my first, second or third pregnancies were successful? Well, definitely not my third because he was conceived before that due date.
It’s something that’s in the back of my mind. I’ve actually gone through and deleted some pictures of him from my Facebook page because I wonder if I am oversharing. What if every time I post a picture there is someone reading it, who is struggling, and they feel worse? What if I am one of those moms who only post about their children now? (Full disclosure: I am not one of those moms because I definitely post about politics and how much I loathe Trump. And memes. I do post memes. So I am an annoying person who posts about their baby or politics.)
McLovin is four months now and we recently had our four month well visit with his pediatrician. He is doing great and the pedi has no concerns! He told me that The Husband and I are doing a great job. So, that made me very pleased, to hear that validation from a professional because I am always worried that I am screwing something up.
For an update, he is 13 lbs. 15 oz., 25 inches long. He’s gained six inches since his birth! For some reason that just amazes me. He’s steady on his growth curves. He’s strong, with great head control. He’s alert and so bright. He loves playing on his Rainforest gym and is grabbing his toys and rings. He is very good at GOING to sleep, I put him down “awake but drowsy” and he puts himself to sleep with barely a whimper. However he wakes up at least twice during the night to nurse still. He is growing too big for his bassinet but I do love it and am going to be sad to see it go. But it has to go soon. He smiles and makes little laughs and is really finding his voice lately and likes to babble and makes sounds. We have conversations at 6:30AM while I’m getting ready for work. He rolls from tummy to back, when he feels like it. We love reading books before bedtime. I still think that nursing him is one of my favorite things to do, and even though I wish I could get a nice 6 or 7 hour stretch of sleep at night, I love looking down and seeing him. I love when we have quiet moments together and I can just hold him and hug him and tell him how special he is. I still love wearing him and today we went for a jaunt around Target and he was so alert and quiet the whole time as I explained what was going on around us.
I could probably go on and on but will end it here.
I received a call today.
The genetic testing is back, and they think they have found a “potential candidate.” A link between our three losses. Something that may give a reason or explanation.
They couldn’t say too much, as it’s supposed to go through the clinical team at our local hospital since they are the ones we have been working with and recommended the testing and participating in the research study. However, since we have a living child now, they requested a sample from McLovin so they can test the specific genes involved (rather than whole exome sequencing) and they should help them definitively determine whether this potential candidate is in fact the reason for our losses. If McLovin has the same genetic variant, then it’s not the reason because he is alive and well with none of the abnormalities of our first three pregnancies. If he doesn’t, then this may be it.
I gave my verbal consent for McLovin’s participation and am now awaiting the paperwork I need to sign along with the testing kits we need to use. We are trying to coordinate obtaining his blood sample (don’t want to drive to Boston and a blood sample is preferred over saliva.) The pediatrician’s office may be able to do it, if not then perhaps the hospital where our pedi is affiliated.
The Husband was a bit more apprehensive than me when discussing McLovin’s participation. I won’t go into his reasons, as it’s his to share as he sees fit and I won’t speak for him here. But if I can get an answer, then I want one. Living child or not, it doesn’t change the three losses and the pain and heartache. And if we can have an answer for our future family planning, then I want it. Not that we’ve ever discussed it, but if it doesn’t come up, I want to make as informed a decision as possible.
So there we are.