Three Year Blogiversary

This week marks THREE YEARS since I started my blog. I still remember the day I was sitting on my recliner, with this very laptop, and started that blog on Blogspot.

Now here I am three years later with my rainbow baby. I will admit that I did not think it would take three years for him to be here. I thought that I would try again, get pregnant quickly, and have a healthy baby right away. Why wouldn’t I think that? Everything I was told at the time was that it was a fluke, a rarity, and I was a part of the 1% and usually people just went on to have healthy pregnancies after a loss like my first. I saw many  medical professionals and they all came to this conclusion. I was attending a support group at my hospital, and we were all told that. And sure enough, three of us did get pregnant right away again – and two of them did go on to have their healthy babies but I did not. I’m the oddball.

Sometimes I wonder when I will give this blog up – or if I should give it up now that McLovin is here. I’m sure some people find this blog when going through their own losses and the last thing they want to see is an update on him or how great he is and how happy he makes us. I was so, so nervous before my first D&E and I was looking for other people’s experiences to reassure me that I would be okay. Then I was looking for other people’s stories of going on to have healthy  pregnancies and children after having a first pregnancy that was “incompatible with life.” And then I came across one blog, and another, and that’s how I even came to the idea of starting a blog. After reading other people’s blogs it felt right to me to start my own so that I had a “safe place”, an outlet, for all of the messy thoughts and feelings I was experiencing after my first loss. Not about followers and comments and likes. I just needed to GET IT OUT.

But then I started connecting with others and not only was this a place to get it out, but I also received support from others. And I in turn got to read what so many other people shared, I learned so much about infertility and recurrent loss and the strength and resilience that we have inside of us. And I was able to offer my own support to them.

The past three years have been quite a journey for me. Emotionally, physically, with my relationships, with myself. And now I am a mother to a living child and I am learning new things about myself. And I am loving every moment with McLovin, even waking up every three hours during the night. It’s better than I ever thought it could be three years ago.

blogiversary

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April 6, 2016

Random Thoughts:

  • Boy did switching from my jeans to leggings feel REALLY good tonight
  • I got a facial on Saturday… it felt so relaxing to lay on the bed, listening to the sound of the small water fountains bubbling in the room and the soft music… No tummy ache, no hunger, just relaxed and came out with glowing skin. Maybe I should do this weekly to combat first trimester symptoms. Not that my wallet could afford it.
  • The thought of eating a baked chicken breast makes my stomach turn, and chicken is my favorite meat.
  • The line between hunger and nausea is very thin.
  • I hope I can stay up long enough to watch The Americans tonight! What did I do before our DVR?!!
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April 1, 2016

4/1/16

After this weekend I will be six weeks. I haven’t reached out to Dr. T, Dr. F or E. I feel like once I do that, shit will get REAL. Not that it isn’t real now, but then I will have to start thinking of appointments and testing and I don’t feel like I will be able to stay in my little bubble. If I don’t see them, they can’t tell me anything is wrong.

I am doing okay in my bubble. Keeping myself occupied. For the most part I have been hopeful, but it seems there is a correlation between my mental well being and my physical well being – as I start to feel a little more tired, my stomach a little more upset, then I start to feel less hopeful and start to really question why I am doing this again.

I don’t feel that bad physically, yet – not compared to this time in my last pregnancy. I was looking back at an entry from my last pregnancy when I was almost exactly as far along as I am now, and I remember writing it and everything that happened that day, and I don’t feel half as sick or tired as I did then. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It is probably neither – it just is. I shouldn’t be comparing pregnancies like that anyway.

 

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March 29, 2016

Random thoughts:

  • I am having twinges on my left side. I hope this baby implanted where it is supposed to!
  • Oddly enough, I am still feeling more happy than moody or pessimistic. Strange for me, I am a classic pessimist – or realist. Sometimes I think they are the same.
  • I miss running … I haven’t been running because I don’t want to “overheat”; Doctor Google told me “overheating” in the first trimester can cause birth defects, so I’ve been sticking with walking and yoga.
  • Please be forming correctly neural tube… Please close and do what you are supposed to do! Please, please, please!
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March 27, 2016

3/27/16

Today is Easter and for the first year since The Husband and I bought our house, we are not hosting. We are going to my mother’s house instead. I am not bothered by this at all! All I have to do is bring dessert. No cleaning, no dishes, no food preparation. No washing dishes and cleaning after guests leave. None of it!

I took another FRER yesterday, because I had one more left, and the second line was there even quicker. And darker than the control line. So this is happening. For the most part I have felt more excited and happy than nervous. I don’t know why. After my experiences, I’ve gone 0-3 and struck out already,  you’d think I’d be nervous and scared and pessimistic. I’ve said many times that I lean towards pessimism more than optimism. But I just don’t feel that way right now. Sure, I’ve felt moments of fear when laying in bed at night. And I did consult Dr. Google a few days ago – and read an article that the chances of having a third NTD  is one in ten. I can’t remember where I read it, some scholarly article on the WHO website I think, so of course I felt a pang in my stomach. But the risk of having a third NTD is actually smaller than if The Husband and I are both carriers of some random disorder – the risk of the baby having the disorder is 25%, not the 10% of having a third NTD. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws and trying to find anything that makes me feel better about putting myself out there like this a fourth time.

Then I also wonder if I’ve done the “right thing” by switching up my vitamins. I have stuck with the Mega Food Baby & Me prenatal vitamin, but since I have to increase my intake of folate I have to buy that separately in additional to the prenatal. In the past I used Solgar Folate, but this time I switched it up to Life Extension Optimized Folate. I’m no expert on the differences between folic acid, and folinic acid, and folate and methylfolate. But based on what I’ve done my own “research” and based on what I’ve read I feel more comfortable taking the methylfolate. Then I wonder, what if 4mg is not enough? I’ve seen some articles recommend 4mg, and others recommend 5mg. So now that I know I am pregnant I have upped it to 5mg. The neural tube is supposed to fully close by the 28th day after conception – so, about 6 weeks pregnant. If this folate is supposed to help it close and prevent a NTD then I need to make sure I’m supplementing enough now. There’s no time to waste.

I don’t know if I have done enough. I hope I have.

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McLovin: 4 Months

I often struggle when trying to decide how much to share about McLovin on here. What is the line between my story and his story and sharing too much about him? Ten, fifteen, twenty years from now –  would he be upset if pictures and details about him were on the internet? Really, so much of his story is already out here because I consider the past three years and our struggles to be part of his story. Part of our story. Would he be here if my first, second or third pregnancies were successful? Well, definitely not my third because he was conceived before that due date.

It’s something that’s in the back of my mind. I’ve actually gone through and deleted some pictures of him from my Facebook page because I wonder if I am oversharing. What if every time I post a picture there is someone reading it, who is struggling, and they feel worse? What if I am one of those moms who only post about their children now? (Full disclosure: I am not one of those moms because I definitely post about politics and how much I loathe Trump. And memes. I do post memes. So I am an annoying person who posts about their baby or politics.)

McLovin is four months now and we recently had our four month well visit with his pediatrician. He is doing great and the pedi has no concerns! He told me that The Husband and I are doing a great job. So, that made me very pleased, to hear that validation from a professional because I am always worried that I am screwing something up.

For an update, he is 13 lbs. 15 oz., 25 inches long. He’s gained six inches since his birth! For some reason that just amazes me. He’s steady on his growth curves. He’s strong, with great head control. He’s alert and so bright. He loves playing on his Rainforest gym and is grabbing his toys and rings. He is very good at GOING to sleep, I put him down “awake but drowsy” and he puts himself to sleep with barely a whimper. However he wakes up at least twice during the night to nurse still. He is growing too big for his bassinet but I do love it and am going to be sad to see it go. But it has to go soon. He smiles and makes little laughs and is really finding his voice lately and likes to babble and makes sounds. We have conversations at 6:30AM while I’m getting ready for work. He rolls from tummy to back, when he feels like it. We love reading books before bedtime. I still think that nursing him is one of my favorite things to do, and even though I wish I could get a nice 6 or 7 hour stretch of sleep at night, I love looking down and seeing him. I love when we have quiet moments together and I can just hold him and hug him and tell him how special he is. I still love wearing him and today we went for a jaunt around Target and he was so alert and quiet the whole time as I explained what was going on around us.

I could probably go on and on but will end it here.

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March 24, 2016

3/24/16

Today I took a FRER during my lunch break (I drove home so I had some privacy, not in the work bathroom stall!) and it came back positive. That second line came in rather quickly, actually – maybe 30 seconds and BAM! Two lines. I felt very strongly today that I needed to take the test. My cycles had been averaging 29 days, although two went up to 35 days, and today is day 32. I had an appointment booked at my favorite spa for a massage on Saturday morning, and didn’t feel I should get a massage if I am indeed pregnant. Which I am, so I cancelled the appointment.

At first I was in shock – this was our first month “trying” and, really, we did not have THAT much sex. I didn’t use an OPK, I didn’t temp – nothing. I was trying to be really laissez-faire this time around and I thought for sure it would take us longer than this – last time it took five months.

Then, I felt hopeful. I have been given another chance. Another chance to have a healthy baby and a mother to a living child. Maybe, maybe, maybe this child will be healthy and I’ll be coming home from the hospital in late November with a living, breathing child. Maybe the DNA will be okay – if we are both carriers of something, whatever it is, there is a 75% chance that this baby will survive. Maybe the egg and sperm were okay and the DNA is okay and this could be it.

It is still my birthday month. Maybe this was a gift from my grandfather and my three babies. If this baby is healthy and survives it will be the best birthday present I’ve ever received.

Please, please, please – please be healthy. Please survive. I love you already and I really want to meet you.

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March 18, 2016

3/18/16

I started having cramps about two days ago and I think this cycle is a bust. I don’t know if I feel relieved or sad. It’s such a strange juxtaposition of emotions – wanting to be pregnant because I want a child, but terrified that I actually will be because thus far all three have ended terribly. Everyone around me is having kids and even all the bloggers that I follow! I just want a turn too!

I’m rotating between Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm to help pass the time. Larry David might be my spirit animal. What does it say about me that I identify so strongly with a 68 year old curmudgeon?

I’m having trouble with one of the ladies who works with me. She and I worked together at my previous job – I started out as an admin. there, and by the time I left four years later I had been promoted above her level. I’m not sure she was entirely pleased that someone 20 years her junior was promoted so quickly and was advancing further than her, but the fact is she’s not a high performing employee. So three years ago I left that job for the company where I am working now. After a year, due to turnover in our department, I was promoted and we had two job openings to fill on my team. I never mentioned the job openings to her (we would still chat by email from time to time) because I didn’t want her to apply. Based on what I knew of her work and work ethic I didn’t want to deal with her in that capacity. But I did mention it to other ex-co-workers from my previous job, people that I thought were stronger workers, hoping that one of them was looking for a new opportunity. Well, they weren’t but they opened their mouths to her, and she ended up applying for one of the openings on my team. After the interviews I had a bad feeling about hiring her, but my boss C and her boss J wanted to hire her. So I was outnumbered – and as it was my first hiring go-round I don’t think I had much choice in the matter even though I was the one who would be directly managing her.

Now, two years later, she’s performing the majority of her work okay but it’s all the “soft skills” that are frustrating. Defensiveness, lack of professionalism. This week I had two people complain about her having very loud personal phone calls that have distracted them. I’ve had to have two discussions with her about excessive absenteeism. Rushing through work, not paying attention and making careless mistakes. Just very frustrating. Last one in every day and first one out every night – she does basically the bare minimum to get by but claims that she goes “above and beyond.” Last year she complained about how her raise was “disappointing.” I’m disappointed that I had to have two conversations with you about your attendance! You’re in your 50’s and I shouldn’t have to babysit you! We’re ADULTS – just show up for work (on time preferably!) And don’t make me have to correct you 4 or 5 times on simple matters! Just save us both the time and do it right the first time please. I don’t mind helping someone once, then twice – but three or more times means you just aren’t getting it or you just don’t care.

Today she actually put me on blast via email and copied my boss. She didn’t like my response on something, then responded on email basically telling me I was being unreasonable on a matter and that she had no idea what I was talking about or why I would need to know her job schedule for the next week. I’m the supervisor! I am accountable for myself and my team!! That’s why!! Needless to say my boss saw right through it and called a meeting with us and basically told her she was out of line. She shot herself in the foot – I never would have even mentioned it to my boss, but she felt the need to copy her for some reason and now my boss is aware of the situation that could have been resolved between just the two of us. IMG_1598

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A Potential Candidate

I received a call today.

The genetic testing is back, and they think they have found a “potential candidate.” A link between our three losses. Something that may give a reason or explanation.

They couldn’t say too much, as it’s supposed to go through the clinical team at our local hospital since they are the ones we have been working with and recommended the testing and participating in the research study. However, since we have a living child now, they requested a sample from McLovin so they can test the specific genes involved (rather than whole exome sequencing) and they should help them definitively determine whether this potential candidate is in fact the reason for our losses. If McLovin has the same genetic variant, then it’s not the reason because he is alive and well with none of the abnormalities of  our first three pregnancies. If he doesn’t, then this may be it.

I gave my verbal consent for McLovin’s participation and am now awaiting the paperwork I need to sign along with the testing kits we need to use. We are trying to coordinate obtaining his blood sample (don’t want to drive to Boston and a blood sample is preferred over saliva.) The pediatrician’s office may be able to do it, if not then perhaps the hospital where our pedi is affiliated.

The Husband was a bit more apprehensive than me when discussing McLovin’s participation. I won’t go into his reasons, as it’s his to share as he sees fit and I won’t speak for him here. But if I can get an answer, then I want one. Living child or not, it doesn’t change the three losses and the pain and heartache. And if we can have an answer for our future family planning, then I want it. Not that we’ve ever discussed it, but if it doesn’t come up, I want to make as informed a decision as possible.

So there we are.

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March 15, 2016

3/15/16

I don’t want any future baby of mine born during a Donald Trump presidency. Like, no. No, no, no. All kinds of no.

I think that she of the group text pregnancy announcement gave birth the past few days. A girl – they didn’t find out the sex so it was a surprise at birth. I saw a random post on her Facebook page congratulating her, but when I went back it was gone.

My phone screen is cracked. I have to drive to Providence to get it fixed, because the Apple stores in Hingham & Dedham are closed for renovations. Aggravating! Looking at my phone, with the spiderweb crack, is driving me mad, but my upcoming Genius Bar reservation will probably also drive me mad.

I haven’t been temping or charting or OPK’ing, and I wonder where I am. I know it’s CD23, but that means nothing without the context behind it. I am Type A, and like to know things and be in control, but I kind of like not knowing. Plausible deniability…. or willful ignorance? Willful blindness? What I don’t know can’t hurt me, I think.

The Husband took me out for a birthday dinner at one of my favorite restaurants the Friday before my birthday (a week and a half ago). During the drive there is when we had the conversation where we ultimately decided to “try again” (or rather, not prevent a pregnancy.) When we walked into the restaurant “The Wind Cries Mary” was playing. I don’t think I’ve ever before heard the song played in a restaurant or any other public place for that matter. It is my favorite, as evidenced by the blog title and URL, but I don’t hear it unless I play it myself. As we sat down the song ended and “Wild Horses” started playing next. Two of my absolute favorite songs (j’adore classic rock) back to back. I don’t know why I keep thinking about that, but I do.

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