April 28, 2016

Early to bed, late to rise is my new motto. Sleep has been okay, but I’m waking up at least once a night (usually around 2AM) to go to the bathroom. Luckily I fall back asleep quickly. So I guess sleep has been ok.

I want a turkey sandwich.

I gag every morning while brushing my teeth

I feel like this baby is a boy.

Our ten week ultrasound is Monday morning… I HOPE ITS ALL GOOD NEWS… Please be okay, please be okay….

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

April 19, 2016


Tomorrow is our first ultrasound of this pregnancy. I should be just around eight weeks.

During each of my other pregnancies I had early ultrasounds by now. During my first, my cycles were so wacky that we did an ultrasound at what turned out to be six weeks just for dating purposes. The second and third pregnancies I had early ultrasounds due to bleeding and spotting. This pregnancy, no ultrasounds.

I’m glad I haven’t needed one due to spotting – no spotting this pregnancy (knock on wood.)  No cramps. I just feel hungover all day everyday. Without the fun stories about what happened the night before.

Anyway… I’m nervous to go to the hospital and MFM… last time it turned out bad for me and I’m not in a rush to relive that experience. The timing of this appointment was fortuitous for me- this is Dr. T’s only day at the hospital today, and they straight away offered me a morning appointment which I gladly accepted because I had a meeting tomorrow at work that I didn’t want to attend. Now I don’t have to. Thanks to the scheduling gods!

Things are cruising right along. I’ve been going to acupuncture every ten days or so. J is the best and always talks some sense into me when I talk about how I feel guilty complaining about feeling sick or tired. She’s always got a good anecdote for me and I do feel more relaxed after being on the table. Work has been a struggle – around 2PM I start feeling so exhausted and I wish our office had a “Nap Nook” or “Relaxation Room” or something, if only so I can go somewhere and close my eyes for 20 minutes. Eating is a struggle – I have many aversions but no cravings. I eat just to eat and nothing is enjoyable. And if I eat something one day, even the thought of it makes me nauseous the following day. I can’t eat the same food two days in a row.

Dr. F called me last week just to check in on me. I haven’t seen her yet, but she wanted to tell me she is on vacation this week and if I had any issues to call the office and one of the other docs would take good care of me. And that she’ll be looking forward to seeing the ultrasound report after my visit with MFM tomorrow. She was so kind, I can tell she really cares. Everyone has been so kind – well, Dr. F and E are the only two providers I’ve spoken to, but each of them had kind, encouraging words for me and I know that even if the worst happens again, I am in great hands.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sound of Silence

Something strange is happening.

Well, not so strange ordinarily – but different for me for the past few months.

I am alone in my house. This hasn’t happened since November 15, 2016.

The Husband took McLovin to visit his grandparents this morning, because they haven’t seen him since January. I should be preparing for our Easter lunch, as we are having company later this afternoon.  I should be sweeping the floor, setting the china, getting out the ice bucket, among other tasks on my to do list.

But I am enjoying the sound of silence.

He even took the dog, as she loves car rides and his grandmother. No Layla begging for a treat or crying to go outside.

I forgot what this feels likes!

I think I might take a nice long shower – I went for a run this morning and could use it. Then maybe sit on the porch and enjoy a glass of tea for a few minutes. Then get to my chores.

As nice as it is to have some time to myself, I can’t wait until they get home so I can dress McLovin in his Easter outfit and enjoy the nice day with him. It’s finally feeling like spring in Massachusetts.

I hope everyone reading this has an enjoyable holiday if you celebrate Easter, or a nice Sunday otherwise.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 2 Comments

April 13, 2016


I am early to bed, late to rise… I cannot drag myself out of bed in the mornings.

Monday off with the dog and cat was relaxing. I wish I hadn’t been sick in order to have a day off, but at least I got to spend it with them. And not in an office.

I’ve been finding that if I eat something one day, I can’t stand the thought of it the next day… And here’s a different symptom from my previous pregnancies – excessive salivation. Never happened to me in the past but boy is it happening to me now.

Our eight week ultrasound, our first ultrasound of this pregnancy, is next Wednesday. I am looking forward to it in the sense of getting it done and over with and moving on from it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

April 11, 2016


Last night was a terrible night… I was so sick I felt like something out of The Exorcist. I have never been so sick in any of my previous pregnancies.

The Husband was kind enough to cook us dinner. An hour after eating I was in trouble. My abdominal area felt like it was going to split in two. I felt for sure that I was going to see bleeding, that something was wrong. Nope – no bleeding.

I am very ready for this version of morning sickness to pass. I called in to work sick today. I guess I am okay with that – relaxing on the couch and mindlessly watching TV is good sometimes. The mindless chatter is almost relaxing and distracts me enough so that I can almost feel like a normal pregnant person.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Three Year Blogiversary

This week marks THREE YEARS since I started my blog. I still remember the day I was sitting on my recliner, with this very laptop, and started that blog on Blogspot.

Now here I am three years later with my rainbow baby. I will admit that I did not think it would take three years for him to be here. I thought that I would try again, get pregnant quickly, and have a healthy baby right away. Why wouldn’t I think that? Everything I was told at the time was that it was a fluke, a rarity, and I was a part of the 1% and usually people just went on to have healthy pregnancies after a loss like my first. I saw many  medical professionals and they all came to this conclusion. I was attending a support group at my hospital, and we were all told that. And sure enough, three of us did get pregnant right away again – and two of them did go on to have their healthy babies but I did not. I’m the oddball.

Sometimes I wonder when I will give this blog up – or if I should give it up now that McLovin is here. I’m sure some people find this blog when going through their own losses and the last thing they want to see is an update on him or how great he is and how happy he makes us. I was so, so nervous before my first D&E and I was looking for other people’s experiences to reassure me that I would be okay. Then I was looking for other people’s stories of going on to have healthy  pregnancies and children after having a first pregnancy that was “incompatible with life.” And then I came across one blog, and another, and that’s how I even came to the idea of starting a blog. After reading other people’s blogs it felt right to me to start my own so that I had a “safe place”, an outlet, for all of the messy thoughts and feelings I was experiencing after my first loss. Not about followers and comments and likes. I just needed to GET IT OUT.

But then I started connecting with others and not only was this a place to get it out, but I also received support from others. And I in turn got to read what so many other people shared, I learned so much about infertility and recurrent loss and the strength and resilience that we have inside of us. And I was able to offer my own support to them.

The past three years have been quite a journey for me. Emotionally, physically, with my relationships, with myself. And now I am a mother to a living child and I am learning new things about myself. And I am loving every moment with McLovin, even waking up every three hours during the night. It’s better than I ever thought it could be three years ago.


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

April 6, 2016

Random Thoughts:

  • Boy did switching from my jeans to leggings feel REALLY good tonight
  • I got a facial on Saturday… it felt so relaxing to lay on the bed, listening to the sound of the small water fountains bubbling in the room and the soft music… No tummy ache, no hunger, just relaxed and came out with glowing skin. Maybe I should do this weekly to combat first trimester symptoms. Not that my wallet could afford it.
  • The thought of eating a baked chicken breast makes my stomach turn, and chicken is my favorite meat.
  • The line between hunger and nausea is very thin.
  • I hope I can stay up long enough to watch The Americans tonight! What did I do before our DVR?!!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

April 1, 2016


After this weekend I will be six weeks. I haven’t reached out to Dr. T, Dr. F or E. I feel like once I do that, shit will get REAL. Not that it isn’t real now, but then I will have to start thinking of appointments and testing and I don’t feel like I will be able to stay in my little bubble. If I don’t see them, they can’t tell me anything is wrong.

I am doing okay in my bubble. Keeping myself occupied. For the most part I have been hopeful, but it seems there is a correlation between my mental well being and my physical well being – as I start to feel a little more tired, my stomach a little more upset, then I start to feel less hopeful and start to really question why I am doing this again.

I don’t feel that bad physically, yet – not compared to this time in my last pregnancy. I was looking back at an entry from my last pregnancy when I was almost exactly as far along as I am now, and I remember writing it and everything that happened that day, and I don’t feel half as sick or tired as I did then. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It is probably neither – it just is. I shouldn’t be comparing pregnancies like that anyway.


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

March 29, 2016

Random thoughts:

  • I am having twinges on my left side. I hope this baby implanted where it is supposed to!
  • Oddly enough, I am still feeling more happy than moody or pessimistic. Strange for me, I am a classic pessimist – or realist. Sometimes I think they are the same.
  • I miss running … I haven’t been running because I don’t want to “overheat”; Doctor Google told me “overheating” in the first trimester can cause birth defects, so I’ve been sticking with walking and yoga.
  • Please be forming correctly neural tube… Please close and do what you are supposed to do! Please, please, please!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

March 27, 2016


Today is Easter and for the first year since The Husband and I bought our house, we are not hosting. We are going to my mother’s house instead. I am not bothered by this at all! All I have to do is bring dessert. No cleaning, no dishes, no food preparation. No washing dishes and cleaning after guests leave. None of it!

I took another FRER yesterday, because I had one more left, and the second line was there even quicker. And darker than the control line. So this is happening. For the most part I have felt more excited and happy than nervous. I don’t know why. After my experiences, I’ve gone 0-3 and struck out already,  you’d think I’d be nervous and scared and pessimistic. I’ve said many times that I lean towards pessimism more than optimism. But I just don’t feel that way right now. Sure, I’ve felt moments of fear when laying in bed at night. And I did consult Dr. Google a few days ago – and read an article that the chances of having a third NTD  is one in ten. I can’t remember where I read it, some scholarly article on the WHO website I think, so of course I felt a pang in my stomach. But the risk of having a third NTD is actually smaller than if The Husband and I are both carriers of some random disorder – the risk of the baby having the disorder is 25%, not the 10% of having a third NTD. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws and trying to find anything that makes me feel better about putting myself out there like this a fourth time.

Then I also wonder if I’ve done the “right thing” by switching up my vitamins. I have stuck with the Mega Food Baby & Me prenatal vitamin, but since I have to increase my intake of folate I have to buy that separately in additional to the prenatal. In the past I used Solgar Folate, but this time I switched it up to Life Extension Optimized Folate. I’m no expert on the differences between folic acid, and folinic acid, and folate and methylfolate. But based on what I’ve done my own “research” and based on what I’ve read I feel more comfortable taking the methylfolate. Then I wonder, what if 4mg is not enough? I’ve seen some articles recommend 4mg, and others recommend 5mg. So now that I know I am pregnant I have upped it to 5mg. The neural tube is supposed to fully close by the 28th day after conception – so, about 6 weeks pregnant. If this folate is supposed to help it close and prevent a NTD then I need to make sure I’m supplementing enough now. There’s no time to waste.

I don’t know if I have done enough. I hope I have.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments