May 16, 2016

I’ve gained two pounds thus far. I feel like it’s more but the numbers don’t lie.

Today we had our nuchal scan with MFM at the hospital. The nuchal measurement is 1.9, which is well below the 3.0 that Dr. T said would indicate a higher risk. Baby had a great heart rate, showed great growth (measuring a full week ahead) and Dr. T was, again, all smiles so we were all smiles too! I don’t feel any movement yet but baby was definitely moving all around today during the scan… just floating and bouncing around.

I still feel like this baby is a boy… and today Dr. T said she could tell the gender during the scan and asked if we wanted to know – we said no (for now). We are looking forward to receiving the MaterniT21 test results back in 7-10 days… we had the blood drawn today, and I’m nervous for it but I want as much information as possible, and if it’s good news I think it will only make me feel more confident in this pregnancy.

I miss turkey sandwiches and breaking a good sweat when working out. I also have a craving for strawberries… and Cran-Lemonade. And now an aversion to dairy.

New symptom: I’m having vivid dreams.

I’ve been pretty happy, unless you are on my bad side… I’ve also had a “Me against the world” thing going on… not sure why..

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Thoughts On Mother’s Day

On this day last year: Mother’s Day. I went to a brunch at a nearby function facility with my mother and grandmother. Neither knew I was pregnant; in fact, my mother commented that I looked like I lost weight. The three plate fulls of food argued otherwise. I was still in the first trimester. I remember that as we were leaving I used the ladies room and dropped my phone in there. I had to run back in after just about pulling out of the parking lot to leave. I remember seeing all the young kids with their mothers and wondering if next year it would be me. I remember fantasizing about it in my mind, wondering what it would be like.

Now McLovin is here. He was there last year too, in a way. We are going to brunch with my mother and grandmother at one of our local country clubs. The Husband goes to lunch with his mother, aunts and grandmother and I go to brunch with my mother and grandmother. That’s the way it’s always been; I joined them for one of their lunches many years ago and I was NOT a fan of the restaurant or food so I never went again. Well, today she showed up bright and early to watch McLovin, as she does every Monday and Wednesday. And asked “Is McLovin coming with The Husband on Sunday?” To be honest, I forgot all about Sunday. When Mother’s Day has been awful trigger for years, you tend not to think about it much or count down the days. I asked, “What’s Sunday? Where is The Husband going?” And she reminded me that it’s Mother’s Day. And said “McLovin is coming to lunch with The Husband, yes?” Nodding her head yes, as if by doing that I would agree. I told her that, McLovin and I are going to brunch with my mother and grandmother and we aren’t going to rush, so I don’t know what time we’ll be home. Maybe if we are home on time, McLovin will go with The Husband. Maybe not. She then commented that surely I’d want the afternoon to myself and she and her sisters would love holding him.

Grrrrrr.

In years past I would see all the picture perfect photos on social media of others and their “perfect” Mothers Day celebrations. Some women with their kids; some women without their kids and toasting themselves. My best friend M would always get together with her mother, sister and some of their mother/daughter friends sets. They’d leave the kids at home and drive to Newport for lunch and drinks. This year I was invited, with my mother of course. “Leaving the kids at home with the men, going for lunch + drinks and having a day off from it all. LMK if you want to go.” I would always have a pang of envy when I saw the yearly photo of them all out by the water, smiling and celebrating themselves. They were mothers and I was not, at least not in the way that mattered to society. But now I’ve been invited, I’M IN THE CLUB, and I’m not sure that I want to go! It’s interesting to me that for them, Mother’s Day is about being WITHOUT the kids. And when I think about it tonight, right now, I think about being with McLovin and doing something fun as a family – a walk on the beach, a walk around the park, visiting a zoo. It’s not a judgment on them, or on how they view/acknowledge the holiday, just an observation.

I’ve waited and struggled through three Mother’s Days since my first loss (Mothers’ Days? What is the appropriate plural?!?!)  I’ve struggled with the grief and sadness and anger.  Maybe I want to be with my son. Yes, maybe I’ll go for a pedicure or for a run or go shopping in the afternoon by myself. Maybe I won’t.  But I don’t need my MIL putting her two cents in and assuming what I do or don’t want. I don’t need a big celebration or a big gift, I just want to have a good day being a mom to my boy. And if that includes an hour or two of some mental health “Me Time”, then so be it!

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May 2, 2016

5/2/16

Well, today I found out what it feels like to go to an ultrasound and get good news. We had a visit with MFM at the hospital today, and at 10 weeks Dr. T was able to rule out anencephaly. The baby does not have anencephaly.

After the ultrasound tech left, E came into the room with a big grin. She had watched the ultrasound from the other room and said everything looks just right for 10 weeks. She went into some technical descriptions but I was just so relieved and a little surprised and I didn’t listen. Then Dr. T came in and confirmed what E said – no anencephaly. She cannot rule out spina bifida or the kidney issues that rendered my first pregnancy “incompatible with life” but she could rule out anencephaly so we are officially over another hurdle. There were big smiles all around and hugs.

My next ultrasound is in two weeks for the nuchal scan and having blood drawn for the MaterniT21 screening.

I had so much anxiety this morning. I woke up at 5AM and could not go back to sleep. I used to think that flying was my biggest fear; today I decided that going in for an ultrasound might top the fear list now. I never feel as much anxiety driving in to the airport as I felt this morning driving to the hospital.

Please be okay. Please keep the good news coming.

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April 28, 2016

Early to bed, late to rise is my new motto. Sleep has been okay, but I’m waking up at least once a night (usually around 2AM) to go to the bathroom. Luckily I fall back asleep quickly. So I guess sleep has been ok.

I want a turkey sandwich.

I gag every morning while brushing my teeth

I feel like this baby is a boy.

Our ten week ultrasound is Monday morning… I HOPE ITS ALL GOOD NEWS… Please be okay, please be okay….

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April 19, 2016

4/19/16

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound of this pregnancy. I should be just around eight weeks.

During each of my other pregnancies I had early ultrasounds by now. During my first, my cycles were so wacky that we did an ultrasound at what turned out to be six weeks just for dating purposes. The second and third pregnancies I had early ultrasounds due to bleeding and spotting. This pregnancy, no ultrasounds.

I’m glad I haven’t needed one due to spotting – no spotting this pregnancy (knock on wood.)  No cramps. I just feel hungover all day everyday. Without the fun stories about what happened the night before.

Anyway… I’m nervous to go to the hospital and MFM… last time it turned out bad for me and I’m not in a rush to relive that experience. The timing of this appointment was fortuitous for me- this is Dr. T’s only day at the hospital today, and they straight away offered me a morning appointment which I gladly accepted because I had a meeting tomorrow at work that I didn’t want to attend. Now I don’t have to. Thanks to the scheduling gods!

Things are cruising right along. I’ve been going to acupuncture every ten days or so. J is the best and always talks some sense into me when I talk about how I feel guilty complaining about feeling sick or tired. She’s always got a good anecdote for me and I do feel more relaxed after being on the table. Work has been a struggle – around 2PM I start feeling so exhausted and I wish our office had a “Nap Nook” or “Relaxation Room” or something, if only so I can go somewhere and close my eyes for 20 minutes. Eating is a struggle – I have many aversions but no cravings. I eat just to eat and nothing is enjoyable. And if I eat something one day, even the thought of it makes me nauseous the following day. I can’t eat the same food two days in a row.

Dr. F called me last week just to check in on me. I haven’t seen her yet, but she wanted to tell me she is on vacation this week and if I had any issues to call the office and one of the other docs would take good care of me. And that she’ll be looking forward to seeing the ultrasound report after my visit with MFM tomorrow. She was so kind, I can tell she really cares. Everyone has been so kind – well, Dr. F and E are the only two providers I’ve spoken to, but each of them had kind, encouraging words for me and I know that even if the worst happens again, I am in great hands.

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Sound of Silence

Something strange is happening.

Well, not so strange ordinarily – but different for me for the past few months.

I am alone in my house. This hasn’t happened since November 15, 2016.

The Husband took McLovin to visit his grandparents this morning, because they haven’t seen him since January. I should be preparing for our Easter lunch, as we are having company later this afternoon.  I should be sweeping the floor, setting the china, getting out the ice bucket, among other tasks on my to do list.

But I am enjoying the sound of silence.

He even took the dog, as she loves car rides and his grandmother. No Layla begging for a treat or crying to go outside.

I forgot what this feels likes!

I think I might take a nice long shower – I went for a run this morning and could use it. Then maybe sit on the porch and enjoy a glass of tea for a few minutes. Then get to my chores.

As nice as it is to have some time to myself, I can’t wait until they get home so I can dress McLovin in his Easter outfit and enjoy the nice day with him. It’s finally feeling like spring in Massachusetts.

I hope everyone reading this has an enjoyable holiday if you celebrate Easter, or a nice Sunday otherwise.

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April 13, 2016

4/13/16

I am early to bed, late to rise… I cannot drag myself out of bed in the mornings.

Monday off with the dog and cat was relaxing. I wish I hadn’t been sick in order to have a day off, but at least I got to spend it with them. And not in an office.

I’ve been finding that if I eat something one day, I can’t stand the thought of it the next day… And here’s a different symptom from my previous pregnancies – excessive salivation. Never happened to me in the past but boy is it happening to me now.

Our eight week ultrasound, our first ultrasound of this pregnancy, is next Wednesday. I am looking forward to it in the sense of getting it done and over with and moving on from it.

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April 11, 2016

4/11/16

Last night was a terrible night… I was so sick I felt like something out of The Exorcist. I have never been so sick in any of my previous pregnancies.

The Husband was kind enough to cook us dinner. An hour after eating I was in trouble. My abdominal area felt like it was going to split in two. I felt for sure that I was going to see bleeding, that something was wrong. Nope – no bleeding.

I am very ready for this version of morning sickness to pass. I called in to work sick today. I guess I am okay with that – relaxing on the couch and mindlessly watching TV is good sometimes. The mindless chatter is almost relaxing and distracts me enough so that I can almost feel like a normal pregnant person.

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Three Year Blogiversary

This week marks THREE YEARS since I started my blog. I still remember the day I was sitting on my recliner, with this very laptop, and started that blog on Blogspot.

Now here I am three years later with my rainbow baby. I will admit that I did not think it would take three years for him to be here. I thought that I would try again, get pregnant quickly, and have a healthy baby right away. Why wouldn’t I think that? Everything I was told at the time was that it was a fluke, a rarity, and I was a part of the 1% and usually people just went on to have healthy pregnancies after a loss like my first. I saw many  medical professionals and they all came to this conclusion. I was attending a support group at my hospital, and we were all told that. And sure enough, three of us did get pregnant right away again – and two of them did go on to have their healthy babies but I did not. I’m the oddball.

Sometimes I wonder when I will give this blog up – or if I should give it up now that McLovin is here. I’m sure some people find this blog when going through their own losses and the last thing they want to see is an update on him or how great he is and how happy he makes us. I was so, so nervous before my first D&E and I was looking for other people’s experiences to reassure me that I would be okay. Then I was looking for other people’s stories of going on to have healthy  pregnancies and children after having a first pregnancy that was “incompatible with life.” And then I came across one blog, and another, and that’s how I even came to the idea of starting a blog. After reading other people’s blogs it felt right to me to start my own so that I had a “safe place”, an outlet, for all of the messy thoughts and feelings I was experiencing after my first loss. Not about followers and comments and likes. I just needed to GET IT OUT.

But then I started connecting with others and not only was this a place to get it out, but I also received support from others. And I in turn got to read what so many other people shared, I learned so much about infertility and recurrent loss and the strength and resilience that we have inside of us. And I was able to offer my own support to them.

The past three years have been quite a journey for me. Emotionally, physically, with my relationships, with myself. And now I am a mother to a living child and I am learning new things about myself. And I am loving every moment with McLovin, even waking up every three hours during the night. It’s better than I ever thought it could be three years ago.

blogiversary

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April 6, 2016

Random Thoughts:

  • Boy did switching from my jeans to leggings feel REALLY good tonight
  • I got a facial on Saturday… it felt so relaxing to lay on the bed, listening to the sound of the small water fountains bubbling in the room and the soft music… No tummy ache, no hunger, just relaxed and came out with glowing skin. Maybe I should do this weekly to combat first trimester symptoms. Not that my wallet could afford it.
  • The thought of eating a baked chicken breast makes my stomach turn, and chicken is my favorite meat.
  • The line between hunger and nausea is very thin.
  • I hope I can stay up long enough to watch The Americans tonight! What did I do before our DVR?!!
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