As I get further along in this pregnancy I find myself getting a tad more emotional about my relationship with McLovin and the changes our family is about to experience.
The early part of my pregnancy was dominated by sickness (morning sickness, Hand Foot & Mouth and general fatigue) and the loss of Layla. Part of me feels like I never fully went through the grief of losing her, as if somehow being pregnant muted it and I wasn’t able to fully process it. And I’ve been very moody throughout the duration. I can’t say I’ve ever felt 100% joyful. I’ve felt happiness and relief that this baby is healthy and our pregnancy has been progressing “normally” but not “carefree happiness” or “complete joy” or “glowing.” It’s been much different this time around and I wish it wasn’t. I wish I felt glowing. I wish I wanted to take maternity photos and document this. But instead I just… don’t. And I worry I will regret it. That I didn’t make enjoy it as fully as I “should.” The closest I think I’ve been to really being happy and enjoying it was when my two best friends hosted a “sprinkle” for me last weekend. It was small, much smaller than my shower, at the home of my best friend L and we had Italian food and red velvet cupcakes. And I felt happy, and I felt mostly relaxed and able to enjoy it. Not moody or angry.
I also feel so worried and protective over McLovin. I know when RBG comes it won’t be just the two of us, I won’t be able to drop everything for him, I won’t be able to focus 100% on him. And I love our relationship. I adore him. And I hope he does okay. I hope he doesn’t resent me. I am trying to spend as much time together as we can doing fun things like going to the park and to the zoo because I think I feel guilty about how his life is going to change and he doesn’t even realize it fully. He knows he has “sister” in mommy’s belly and her bedroom is going to be next to his, and he goes in her room and says “I’m in sister’s room”, but he’s only 2 1/2 so… and I think about, what if something happens to me? Every day on social media there’s something new about maternal mortality rates and how the US has less than the best maternal care, and I think to myself “What if McLovin doesn’t have a mother?” and it brings tears to my eyes. Or I think of those parents recently, the ones who sent their kids to school and their kids did not come home because they tried to save themselves and their peers from mad gunmen. And it brings tears to my eyes too.
I guess being hormonal and emotional is part of the whole pregnancy thing.
In other news we’ve made progress in RBG’s room. The painting is done! The crib is here! I’ve ordered the dresser! And some wall art from Etsy! The color scheme is light gray, blush pink and aqua (maybe more of a seafoam.) And this weekend is Mother’s Day. Sunday morning we are going to brunch with my mother, my grandmother is not joining us this year because she’s visiting our family down south. Then we are SUPPOSED to go to my husband’s aunts house to have dinner with his mother and her side of the family, but honestly I’m just annoyed that it’s going to be a big dinner with that entire side of the family as if it is a major holiday or something. I just want to spend time with my son and not have my mother in law hovering over him, or my father in law distracting him and being loud and annoying, or having to be “on” for them all and socializing. I may just stay with McLovin and do something just the two of us and let The Husband go visit them without me. That’s part of this whole moodiness thing, I can’t even be bothered to socialize with people sometimes. It’s just a Hallmark holiday anyway. Hmph.
Perhaps I should just be a hermit!