Life Now

The past few months have been trying and happy and sad and exhausting and hopeful and worrisome and busy and everything. I feel like I’ve run the gamut of emotions since the beginning of November, when (trigger warning/spoiler alert) I found out I was pregnant. My hopeful excitement was short lived because later that same week is when our dog fell ill. A week later McLovin caught Hand, Foot and Mouth. The week after his symptoms appeared I was also diagnosed with HFM. Being 7 weeks pregnant with HFM, in the throes of fatigue and nausea, is not something I recommend. I was exhausted, sick, overwhelmed, worried about our dog, worried about the pregnancy, worried about McLovin. By the time I was 10 weeks along I had lost 4 lbs. and spent a week out of work. McLovin and I were well again for his second birthday party, but by that time Layla was not improving and I knew deep down we would be saying goodbye sooner rather than later. November culminated with that awful night we put her down, the lowest of my recent lows. I still look at her urn every night, sitting on my nightstand, and wish I could pet her. Wish I could smell her doggy scent, hear her nails clicking on the hard work, hear her grunt when I bothered her with hugs while she was laying with The Husband (she didn’t like being bothered when her favorite was by her side.) I miss her terribly.

December was better, and culminated with finding out this baby is a girl on Christmas Eve. Our recent high. And thus far at 15 weeks, with several ultrasounds and blood tests under our belt, we are on track and our MFM specialist is “thrilled.” If she is thrilled, we are thrilled. We are referring to this baby as RBG (Ruth Bader Ginsburg) because is there any other better badass woman I could use as a nickname? Right now I think not.

McLovin is two and he’s amazing. He loves sticks and tractors and being outside. He’s putting two and three words together now, and “Boob”, “Poop” and “Fart” are among his favorite, or rather most frequent, words. He’s also (unfortunately) picked up on “Oh, shit” and that will come out occasionally (and he uses it correctly too!). So I guess I have to be better about policing my own language and cleaning up my act while trying not to smirk, laugh or otherwise encourage him. Sigh.

That’s been our life over the past few months, in a nutshell. Shocked beyond belief that somehow, some way, after three awful losses we have been gifted two (seemingly) healthy pregnancies in a row. I still don’t know why we lost. What caused it. What changed now? Nothing that I know of. It’s hard to make sense of it, even for me and I wished for it and wanted it and am living it.

If all goes well we will be welcoming a little girl in June. It seems surreal but it’s true. We want to adopt another puppy in the spring as well. We both miss that companionship, that love that a dog brings to life. No new puppy will replace Layla but I like to think she would approve of us loving and caring for another dog that she can watch over for us.

Sending lots of light, peace and strength to those who need it or are having a tough time right now.

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9 Responses to Life Now

  1. lyra211 says:

    Holy cow! What amazing news. I am beyond thrilled for you, and hopeful that you’ll be welcoming your little girl this June. Sounds like you have been handling it as well as possible, given the HFM awfulness, losing your beloved Layla, and of course the anxiety caused by your other losses. I will be keeping everything crossed for you. Sending huge hugs and all my best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sbach1222 says:

    I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions. Those things are hard when not pregnant, I can’t imagine how much harder it all was during pregnancy.

    That being said Congrats on your baby girl!!! I am so thrilled for you and will continue to hope and pray for you and your family and RBG’s safe arrival this summer.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love that nickname!! So many congratulations to you my friend! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dude, I feel you. Whereas I was completely “present” during my pregnancy with BG, this pregnancy with LS has come second to all the insanity in our lives (plus a toddler, and toddlers are insane). I love that McLovin uses “oh sh*t!” correctly ❤ And RBG is a very cool nickname for your baby GIRL! Congrats! Good luck with the puppy in the spring! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am very sorry about your dog. I know how close you were.
    Very happy for you! Wonderful news!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Nara says:

    So sorry about your dog. I can’t imagine. I’m glad that other stuff is going so well. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. RJ says:

    I am so happy for you and I hope this pregnancy continues going well. RBG is awesome so what a fabulous nickname. And I’m so sorry about your beloved dog, I was devastated when we lost ours. They are fabulous companions.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dani says:

    I’m very excited for you ☺️ wishing the rest of your pregnancy to be easy and with no surprises!
    Our dogs never leave our hearts – I’m so sorry you miss Layla X
    Two year olds say the best things – boobs and nipples are ones my daughter use although we don’t breastfeed anymore she’s still intrigued by them! And she can’t say clock so she says cock. 😂 luckily no swear words have come out of her mouth intentionally yet 😂 but I’m waiting for it is imminent no doubt!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. myhopejar says:

    I’m crying for sad tears and happy tears for you! We too put a pet down in November. I feel your pain. Our pain is still so raw right now too. Huge hug hon.

    And I can’t help feeling similarities between you and me with the pregnancies too. After so many losses, we went on to have our boy and girl with almost the same age difference. It’s so surreal isn’t it? All I can say is try to trust that sometimes it really can all work out. I know it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been through everything you’ve been through, and even with one “successful” pregnancy and living child, the fear and mistrust in one’s body is still there, I know. But it can happen, I’m evidence of that, and I’m so happy it’s happening to you too! I am sending you lots of prayers that everything continues to go well. 🤞🙏❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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