The past few months have been trying and happy and sad and exhausting and hopeful and worrisome and busy and everything. I feel like I’ve run the gamut of emotions since the beginning of November, when (trigger warning/spoiler alert) I found out I was pregnant. My hopeful excitement was short lived because later that same week is when our dog fell ill. A week later McLovin caught Hand, Foot and Mouth. The week after his symptoms appeared I was also diagnosed with HFM. Being 7 weeks pregnant with HFM, in the throes of fatigue and nausea, is not something I recommend. I was exhausted, sick, overwhelmed, worried about our dog, worried about the pregnancy, worried about McLovin. By the time I was 10 weeks along I had lost 4 lbs. and spent a week out of work. McLovin and I were well again for his second birthday party, but by that time Layla was not improving and I knew deep down we would be saying goodbye sooner rather than later. November culminated with that awful night we put her down, the lowest of my recent lows. I still look at her urn every night, sitting on my nightstand, and wish I could pet her. Wish I could smell her doggy scent, hear her nails clicking on the hard work, hear her grunt when I bothered her with hugs while she was laying with The Husband (she didn’t like being bothered when her favorite was by her side.) I miss her terribly.
December was better, and culminated with finding out this baby is a girl on Christmas Eve. Our recent high. And thus far at 15 weeks, with several ultrasounds and blood tests under our belt, we are on track and our MFM specialist is “thrilled.” If she is thrilled, we are thrilled. We are referring to this baby as RBG (Ruth Bader Ginsburg) because is there any other better badass woman I could use as a nickname? Right now I think not.
McLovin is two and he’s amazing. He loves sticks and tractors and being outside. He’s putting two and three words together now, and “Boob”, “Poop” and “Fart” are among his favorite, or rather most frequent, words. He’s also (unfortunately) picked up on “Oh, shit” and that will come out occasionally (and he uses it correctly too!). So I guess I have to be better about policing my own language and cleaning up my act while trying not to smirk, laugh or otherwise encourage him. Sigh.
That’s been our life over the past few months, in a nutshell. Shocked beyond belief that somehow, some way, after three awful losses we have been gifted two (seemingly) healthy pregnancies in a row. I still don’t know why we lost. What caused it. What changed now? Nothing that I know of. It’s hard to make sense of it, even for me and I wished for it and wanted it and am living it.
If all goes well we will be welcoming a little girl in June. It seems surreal but it’s true. We want to adopt another puppy in the spring as well. We both miss that companionship, that love that a dog brings to life. No new puppy will replace Layla but I like to think she would approve of us loving and caring for another dog that she can watch over for us.
Sending lots of light, peace and strength to those who need it or are having a tough time right now.