The Husband made a one off comment recently that made me wonder:
Do I want another child or is it that I want McLovin to be a baby again?
I feel like this should be simple, but why can’t it be both? It may be simple for some to just go with it when they’ve never had issues around conceiving and pregnancy loss. But I suppose, given our history and the fact we’ve never gotten answers or don’t know the likelihood of losses happening again, should we try for another if we’re mixing up what we really want or think we want?
Does that make sense?
The Husband’s comment was a one off, not in the middle of a deep discussion or debate or anything, just normal conversation about the future. It was a few weeks ago, but it’s stuck to me so I figured I should just write and maybe it would come to me.
McLovin is much fun and learning so much and running around and keeping busy. I love watching him grow and change and learn. But I also miss when I could just hold him all day and he’d just cuddle to me and be content. It’s not so much I want him to be a baby as that I want time to slow down.
And I suppose I always just pictured two children. I would love to have another child to hold and to love and to teach and to watch grow up. If I am being completely honest, I think I’ve always pictured boys. I don’t think I’ve ever envisioned a daughter. Which isn’t to say I would not be happy with a daughter – if I ever have the good fortune to be pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again I couldn’t care less if the gender is male or female! But in my mind, when I picture it, it’s two sons. I don’t know why. But that’s how it is. And when I expressed that to The Husband I think that’s why he made the comment that I may just want McLovin to be a baby again and in reality, not another child. Not in a judgmental way, or exasperated, more like an observation.
I’m not sure if I got anywhere with it or not. Sigh.
Tomorrow is September. One of my favorite months but with mixed emotions. It marks our 10 year wedding anniversary this year (we are taking our first overnight away from McLovin to spend the weekend in Connecticut! Eek!); it marks the start of Patriots football; it marks the start of cool, crisp weather and fall (although I personally love summer and am not in a rush for it to pass but people are already enjoying Pumpkin Spice everything so…) … but it’s also the month we lost two pregnancies and I guess it will always have that bite for me. My second favorite month has those two scars, but I still love it.