Random Thoughts, Again

The Husband made a one off comment recently that made me wonder:

Do I want another child or is it that I want McLovin to be a baby again?

I feel like this should be simple, but why can’t it be both? It may be simple for some to just go with it when they’ve never had issues around conceiving and pregnancy loss. But I suppose, given our history and the fact we’ve never gotten answers or don’t know the likelihood of losses happening again, should we try for another if we’re mixing up what we really want or think we want?

Does that make sense?

The Husband’s comment was a one off, not in the middle of a deep discussion or debate or anything, just normal conversation about the future. It was a few weeks ago, but it’s stuck to me so I figured I should just write and maybe it would come to me.

McLovin is much fun and learning so much and running around and keeping busy. I love watching him grow and change and learn. But I also miss when I could just hold him all day and he’d just cuddle to me and be content. It’s not so much I want him to be a baby as that I want time to slow down.

And I suppose I always just pictured two children. I would love to have another child to hold and to love and to teach and to watch grow up. If I am being completely honest, I think I’ve always pictured boys. I don’t think I’ve ever envisioned a daughter. Which isn’t to say I would not be happy with a daughter – if I ever have the good fortune to be pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again I couldn’t care less if the gender is male or female! But in my mind, when I picture it, it’s two sons. I don’t know why. But that’s how it is. And when I expressed that to The Husband I think that’s why he made the comment that I may just want McLovin to be a baby again and in reality, not another child. Not in a judgmental way, or exasperated, more like an observation.

I’m not sure if I got anywhere with it or not. Sigh.

Tomorrow is September. One of my favorite months but with mixed emotions. It marks our 10 year wedding anniversary this year (we are taking our first overnight away from McLovin to spend the weekend in Connecticut! Eek!); it marks the start of Patriots football; it marks the start of cool, crisp weather and fall (although I personally love summer and am not in a rush for it to pass but people are already enjoying Pumpkin Spice everything so…) … but it’s also the month we lost two pregnancies and I guess it will always have that bite for me. My second favorite month has those two scars, but I still love it.

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5 Responses to Random Thoughts, Again

  1. I love fall too, and I made a pot of chili and a peach crisp with fresh peaches today, because even though it’s hot in the South and doesn’t feel like fall, it’s still *that* time of year. Football! Jeans! You know. And it’s bittersweet for me, because it makes me miss my hometown something fierce (SEC college town in the midwest). But moreover…my Mom’s birthday was September 26th. My first baby was due October 5th. So it’s difficult. But I still look forward to it. And I love pumpkin spice 🍁 XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know what you mean about wanting time to slow down. It makes me so sad sometimes and I feel bad bc I know I am supposed to be happy but it breaks my heart to think how fast it is going. I always pictured 2 as well. I hope it works out for you if that is the path u decide to take. In the meantime, enjoy fall!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lyra211 says:

    That *is* an interesting and important question, and I know it’s different for everyone. As someone who was an only child growing up who always wanted siblings, and since our son won’t have any cousins (my husband has a sister but she has no interest in having kids) I knew that I really wanted our son to have at least one sibling. But I also feel lucky to have one healthy baby, and it makes me a little sad to think that I won’t be able to focus all my time and love and attention on him — probably one of the reasons I was so close to my mom was that I was an only child, after all. So, there are real tradeoffs involved, especially when you anticipate issues (it has indeed taken us three pregnancies between S and now, where I’m 7 months pregnant, though mercifully the two between S and this baby were short). For us it has been worth it, but I can totally see how the calculation might be very different for other families, including yours. Your husband is asking an insightful question indeed. I hope you can come to some kind of peace, whichever path you choose.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. rachela28 says:

    I want time to slow down too. It’s crazy how they change from babies to these little people, it seems like overnight!

    I also picture two kids as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. RJ says:

    I love the fall as well. Such a beautiful time. I wish you a lot of joy and also peace during this time in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

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