I have two competing factions within me.

One, that has been getting more and more annoyed with each new pregnancy announcement. Two people on their third pregnancy. A girl from work, who had her daughter after McLovin was born, announcing her second. A boy. (And I do find her incredibly annoying regardless – one of those who always wants to do lunch but never follows through, everyone’s best friend, has to be the center of attention. I stopped doing lunch with her and her group because I dislike her so; so it’s not just the pregnancy.) An acquaintance from high school on her fourth pregnancy.

That bitter side of me taking over. Why do they need three? Why do they need FOUR? Why is she having a second already; she must have been pregnancy before her first was one! Logically I know it is none of my business, and that other people having babies takes nothing away from me, and that just because it FEELS like other people are “using up” all the baby luck doesn’t mean it is true.

Then the other side of me feeling guilty. I never want McLovin to feel like he isn’t enough. That I don’t know how lucky I am to have him. That I don’t know what a miracle he is. That I wish for more. Every day I know what a miracle he is. Every day I know how lucky I am to have him. Every day I know that many others are still struggling to even have one, never mind two or four.

These two sides battle within me. And then I can’t decide which is stronger and I settle in to something comfortable on TV. Sex and the City; Curb; Mad Men. Oldies but goodies that can distract me from these feelings. I’ve read some books (always open to suggestions too!): Little Fires Everywhere; Summer Sisters; Something in the Water. Transported to other people’s stories or problems, none of it real, none of it with real consequences.

I think of the Supreme Court. Yes, Massachusetts is a liberal state. But what if we tried again and the worst happened, again? What if I didn’t have that option or it was limited? I know what my decision would be if we had a terrible diagnosis, again, but what if I am not allowed to have that decision?

All these thoughts. But it feels better to type it out anyway.

McLovin is the light though. Every night when I put him to bed I can’t believe he is mine, that I get to be his mom, that he is with us. He is the proof that it can happen for us, that it DID happen for us, that maybe it can happen again.


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5 Responses to Perhaps…

  1. lyra211 says:

    I have no words, just hugs. I still feel that way, even though we’re fortunate to be pregnant with a second, so-far apparently healthy child. I don’t think you ever get over the trauma of pregnancy loss, and you’ve had more trauma than most. Living children go a long, long way towards healing, but they don’t magically erase the pain (or the envy of other people’s apparently effortless reproduction).

    And, the Supreme Court… oh, I hear you. I’ve found myself thinking so much as I read the news these days about the medical treatment that wasn’t offered to us because our provider wasn’t trained in it and didn’t want to send us to an abortion clinic after our 2nd trimester loss (I am angry that she didn’t even discuss D&E as an option, even when I asked explicitly what our options were, but I am also angry that it is so common and accepted for it not to be an option for so many women in our country — it is a safe medical procedure, significantly safer than the alternatives!). I hate the fact that the direction our country is headed means that it will be harder for women in desperately awful situations like your previous pregnancies to get safe, compassionate care. You shouldn’t have to add that to your list of fears about getting pregnant again, but I understand why it’s there. It scares me too.

    McLovin’ is adorable and wonderful and I am so happy that you have him. I wish there were easy answers for you about having another baby.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nara says:

    I feel very similarly and the difference is: I’m not wishing for another child. I am happy with our miracle. But for some reason it still stings a bit when people get pregnant SO easily. And I know that the first announcement is just the start – there will be more, and we will forever be the ones who had “only” one. But I also feel so grateful we have one and that usually is enough to focus on. I know there are people who haven’t managed to have any and desperately want one, so sometimes it makes me feel selfish for being jealous of the super-fertile!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending many hugs. I also feel those stings. Mixed up in relationship struggles (though that got a bit better) and legal challenges of getting these embryos anywhere near us.
    The Supreme Court part… it’s so scary.
    Hang in there. Enjoy McLovin.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. RJ says:

    I completely relate and am super concerned about this Supreme Court appointment. All the what if’s terrify me. I don’t even know what else to write about it it’s so scary to even consider.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That first person you mentioned sounds eeeexactly like someone I know who’s preg with #2 and boy does it sting.
    Sending you loads of hugs. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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