No, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth.
We’ve moved in to our new home and are closing on the sale of our old home early next month. Packing, moving and unpacking is tough – add a one year old in to the mix and it’s even tougher. We are hosting Christmas lunch at our new house and I’ve been grocery shopping, Christmas shopping and unpacking – along with a full time job. My free time is sleeping at night, but this will pass. The worst of it will be over come Monday…
Come Monday, it’ll be alright….
Before I wrote this I read some of my posts about Christmas from years past. I remember the pain, I remember the heartache but it seems so long ago. Four years ago I spent Christmas pregnant with my first pregnancy; that was the only Christmas I was pregnant. I don’t remember that Christmas well and I don’t have any pictures from that year. I have pictures from almost every other year but that one.
It almost feels like I’ve left that part of me behind, the “me” from that year. It felt that way when we moved this month too – moved out of our first house as a married couple, we lived almost all of our ups and downs as a couple there. We brought our first dog home there. I found out I was pregnant with all four pregnancies there. I spent that terrible last night there. I cried in sadness there, I screamed out of anger there, I hoped throughout my pregnancy with McLovin there, and we brought McLovin home there. It was his first home. It was the place where I was “with” my other babies – even though they were never born alive they were with me, in me, there. Some people might think it’d be easy to move on, and get away from the bad memories. And in a way it does feel good to be out of the place where we lived through those bad moments but it’s also kind of bittersweet. Will their souls find me here?
The holidays can be difficult and sometimes we need reminders to be kind to ourselves and to allow ourselves the space we need. The pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, cute family photos were always tough (and sometimes still sting) but more so over the holidays. Skip the party if you need to; stay home and play hooky or play sick. Personally I hate driving to three or four places/parties over the 24 hours and so I’m not doing it this year. It’s my holiday too and I need to make traditions for my family and it doesn’t necessarily involve pleasing everyone I know. I don’t want to upset anyone, but I also owe it to myself and The Husband and McLovin to make the holiday happy and easy for them. And I don’t think McLovin would be happy being dragged from place to place all day, so I am saying NO!
So here is your reminder – be kind to yourself.