1,095

Today is the three year “anniversary” of my first due date.

It’s different this year, for sure, with McLovin here. I still feel cheated, I still feel a longing. But the edges are a little smoother, it’s less bitter and more bittersweet. I don’t feel like laying in bed and shutting out the world like I have in the past.

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I now know what I missed out on. Every child is different, and I think I probably mother McLovin differently than I would have if I hadn’t experienced loss, so I’m sure the experience I am having now is not the experience I would have had then. But I now know what it feels like to see my child smile at me. I now know what it feels like to see my child army crawl. I now know what it feels like to come home from work and see my child smile and squeal and reach out to me. I now know what it feels like to go through the same bed time routine every night and never feel bored with it. I know what it feels like to watch him sleep on the monitor. I know what it feels like to love a living child.

And it makes me sad that I didn’t get to experience this with my first three babies. Why? Why were they not able to survive? Why was I not able to love them like this? Why did they not get the chance to be someone and live a life? McLovin is everything to me, and he’s done so much to heal me, and I love him so very, very much. But the scars will always be there. He doesn’t replace the three babies I lost and he doesn’t make the memories or scars disappear.

I realize that, there’s no way all three of them could have all been born live. The timing is way off. I realize that McLovin would not be here if my third pregnancy had been viable and resulted in a child. I realize that my second baby would not have been conceived if my first baby had been viable.

It’s still a hard day. July 21st will always be a day seared in my brain. I see boys around three years of age and I wonder (because I always felt my first baby was a boy.)

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6 Responses to 1,095

  1. RJ says:

    I totally relate to this. My friend had her first baby a month before my first baby would have been due so I always wonder what he (I also feel he was a he) would have been like. Sometimes it’s hard not to look at him and wonder.

    And I know I parent differently than I would have if I had not experienced losses. The losses are not as acute and they do not sting like they used to but I too am forever changed because of them.

    I am acutely aware that baby A would not be here if my other pregnancies had been successful. It just makes me love her more and feel that much more lucky I get to be her mommy. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I echo everything both you and RJ have said. I am definitely forever changed. And yet also so incredibly grateful that I am Little MPBs mom.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sending much love.
    The image of repairing with gold is beautiful. I’ve never seen that, but it makes so much intuitive sense. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sending you love today. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nara says:

    I love that picture and have shared it before to describe how I feel. I wonder also in the downtime what might have been. X

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am sorry you have this difficult memory that you will carry with you but I am so happy that your little one is healthy and that you are happy. I think of you often!!

    Liked by 1 person

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