This week marks THREE YEARS since I started my blog. I still remember the day I was sitting on my recliner, with this very laptop, and started that blog on Blogspot.
Now here I am three years later with my rainbow baby. I will admit that I did not think it would take three years for him to be here. I thought that I would try again, get pregnant quickly, and have a healthy baby right away. Why wouldn’t I think that? Everything I was told at the time was that it was a fluke, a rarity, and I was a part of the 1% and usually people just went on to have healthy pregnancies after a loss like my first. I saw many medical professionals and they all came to this conclusion. I was attending a support group at my hospital, and we were all told that. And sure enough, three of us did get pregnant right away again – and two of them did go on to have their healthy babies but I did not. I’m the oddball.
Sometimes I wonder when I will give this blog up – or if I should give it up now that McLovin is here. I’m sure some people find this blog when going through their own losses and the last thing they want to see is an update on him or how great he is and how happy he makes us. I was so, so nervous before my first D&E and I was looking for other people’s experiences to reassure me that I would be okay. Then I was looking for other people’s stories of going on to have healthy pregnancies and children after having a first pregnancy that was “incompatible with life.” And then I came across one blog, and another, and that’s how I even came to the idea of starting a blog. After reading other people’s blogs it felt right to me to start my own so that I had a “safe place”, an outlet, for all of the messy thoughts and feelings I was experiencing after my first loss. Not about followers and comments and likes. I just needed to GET IT OUT.
But then I started connecting with others and not only was this a place to get it out, but I also received support from others. And I in turn got to read what so many other people shared, I learned so much about infertility and recurrent loss and the strength and resilience that we have inside of us. And I was able to offer my own support to them.
The past three years have been quite a journey for me. Emotionally, physically, with my relationships, with myself. And now I am a mother to a living child and I am learning new things about myself. And I am loving every moment with McLovin, even waking up every three hours during the night. It’s better than I ever thought it could be three years ago.