… A very long forward pass in American football, made in desperation with only a small chance of success… Originally meaning any sort of desperation play, a “Hail Mary” gradually came to denote a long, low-probability pass attempted at the end of a half when a team is too far from the end zone to execute a more conventional play, implying that it would take divine intervention for the play to succeed.
McLovin is our Hail Mary Pass. That is how I came to think of him during my pregnancy.
We were 0-3. Waiting for genetic test results that were delayed numerous times. Wanting to move forward with life, wanting a family, and seeing our dreams dashed three times in a row. Reaching the end of our rope but not ready to give up, not quite then, not with a little time on the clock.
We went for it, again. Told ourselves we had already been through the worst and we knew what we could handle, that we had nothing left to lose. That maybe we could be successful just once. That after this, if we went 0-4, that would be it and we would try and find another way because what we were doing wasn’t working. So I asked the universe to please be kind and we hurled the ball.
As each week passed, each trimester passed, I could see the football floating through the air towards the end zone. At the 50 yard line. At the 30 yard line. At the 10 yard line. The crowd at the end zone. I couldn’t visualize what would happen, who would catch it or if it would just land unceremoniously on the turf. I could only see it floating toward its destination. And somehow the ball was caught and he arrived, safely and in good health. Why this time? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will. And I will have to live with that.
In this post from last year I mentioned that I had a bunch of posts in “Draft” that I wasn’t ready to publish when I wrote them. Well, they were all about my Hail Mary and I wasn’t ready to share then when I couldn’t even post about my pregnancy. But now I am going to share them all, a year to the day after each was written. It’s so interesting to me now to go back and read them. I’ve always tried to keep this blog real and be faithful to my journey, good bad and ugly. This was a part of it and it doesn’t feel right leaving it unpublished.