Tomorrow I return to work. I remember what I did on February 22, 2016, a year ago tomorrow. It was a Monday.
I remember it because one of my friends that I met at the support group I attended in 2014 emailed me to tell me she was pregnant with her second child since her loss.
I remember checking my email as I was out to lunch with two friends at a local Thai restaurant. I remember reading her email and immediately my stomach dropped and mood changed. I remember feeling sadness for myself – all I had gone on to do at that point was to have two more losses since we first met, and she was on her second healthy pregnancy. I remember feeling happy for her, but a bittersweet happiness – I understood her struggle and how she felt after her loss, but I couldn’t understand being a mother and having a healthy pregnancy. For all I understood of her hardships, I couldn’t understand her happiness or anticipation. I remember being distracted the rest of the day at work and to top it off had cramps because “Aunt Flo” was coming.
February 22 is also my Layla’s birthday. I remember writing a post about her that day, because I wasn’t ready to write about my emotions surrounding my friend’s second pregnancy. I felt like a jerk being jealous or envious but couldn’t help myself. I did write about it here though.
I started my cycle that ultimately brought me my rainbow baby, McLovin, the very next day. So I suppose here ends the year or conceiving and bringing McLovin to life – an emotionally gratifying (and at the same time exhausting) year. I didn’t know that this would be my last cycle before I saw the light at the end of the tunnel at the time. I wish I had known and saved myself the heartache. Hindsight is 20/20. Full circle.