Tomorrow I return to work. I remember what I did on February 22, 2016,  a year ago tomorrow. It was a Monday.

I remember it because one of my friends that I met at the support group I attended in 2014 emailed me to tell me she was pregnant with her second child since her loss.

I remember checking my email as I was out to lunch with two friends at a local Thai restaurant. I remember reading her email and immediately my stomach dropped and mood changed. I remember feeling sadness for myself – all I had gone on to do at that point was to have two more losses since we first met, and she was on her second healthy pregnancy. I remember feeling happy for her, but a bittersweet happiness – I understood her struggle and how she felt after her loss, but I couldn’t understand being a mother and having a healthy pregnancy. For all I understood of her hardships, I couldn’t understand her happiness or anticipation. I remember being distracted the rest of the day at work and to top it off had cramps because “Aunt Flo” was coming.

February 22 is also my Layla’s birthday. I remember writing a post about her that day, because I wasn’t ready to write about my emotions surrounding my friend’s second pregnancy. I felt like a jerk being jealous or envious but couldn’t help myself. I did write about it here though.

I started my cycle that ultimately brought me my rainbow baby, McLovin, the very next day. So I suppose here ends the year or conceiving and bringing McLovin to life – an emotionally gratifying (and at the same time exhausting) year. I didn’t know that this would be my last cycle before I saw the light at the end of the tunnel at the time. I wish I had known and saved myself the heartache. Hindsight is 20/20. Full circle.

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12 Responses to Tomorrow

  1. It’s amazing how much life can change within one year! I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow, I hope your first day back goes well for both you and McLovin.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everything of the best tomorrow!!
    This was a cool post. One just never knows.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jwhitworth7 says:

    Good luck tomorrow!!! And it’s crazy how emotions can turn on a whim with unexpected news. I have to say I’m glad I don’t experience that level of emotional let down anymore. Don’t get my wrong I still grimace when I hear of people having it so easy but it is different when that light at the end of the tunnel is shining on us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I will always feel a twinge inside when someone announces a pregnancy. I don’t think that will ever go away and it’s just going to be a part of me, the way I automatically smile when I catch the scent of my grandfather’s cigars. But thankfully it’s not quite so bad now that I have my own little man to love. xxx.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. RJ says:

    Good luck!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. jivf says:

    Hope it all went well!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pamela J says:

    I’m in a pretty tough place right now. We’ve been trying for four years. Two surgeries, 3 IVFs, 1 donor embryo transfer, 2 blighted ovums (one very recent), and now a delayed donor embryo cycle until God knows when, which means no baby in 2017 — and 2017 was supposed to be my “worst case scenario” year. Like, “Well, surely it won’t take until then, but at least I’ll have a baby during my lucky number year!” But no.

    It feels like it will just. never. end.

    Reading stories like this (cruelly?) relight that little flame of hope… (Not saying you are cruel, but… you know how it is. Nothing is ever guaranteed.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so sorry for your troubles and what you’ve been going through. Life can be so cruel. I remember all too well the feeling that everything would just keep piling up and I’d never get out.
      I know what you mean, that nothing is guaranteed. I used to vacillate between wanting hope, because I desperately wanted a child, and also wanting to give up hope because then I could maybe move on and close this chapter. I couldn’t do that while I still had hope. It seems like a terrible catch 22. I hope that one day, some day soon, your struggle ends and you are at peace.


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