My McLovin is three months old in four days. I can’t believe it. Was it really three months ago that I met him for the first time?!? Yet it also feels like I’ve known him my whole life. Strange how that happens. Being his mother is exhausting and at the same time the most wonderful thing ever.
His two month appointment and immunizations went well. He cried while he got his shots, but then fell asleep on the car ride home and was pretty drowsy and tired the remainder of the day. He was squarely in the 25th percentile for all measurements – at the time he was 11 1/2 lbs., 23 inches. We recently packed up his newborn clothes and I felt nostalgic – he looked so cute in all of it and he’s growing so fast. Also a little twinge wondering if I should save them or not. Save them for whom? A cousin or friend I guess. Or myself? I can’t even wonder about having a second child right now although people have ALREADY asked about it. Donate them? No, not ready to do that.
I am returning to work next week and have been trying to really enjoy our last few weeks together. It brings me to tears when he sleeps on my chest and I know that, next week, he will have to share me (and I will have to share him!) and my sole job and responsibility won’t be just being his mommy. Some people have said it will make me appreciate the moments we have together even more, and that walking in the door each night and reuniting with him will be the best part of my day. Others grimace and say how they went back, then couldn’t stand it and quit. We aren’t in a position financially where I could quit – I make more than The Husband and all of our insurance and benefits are through my employer. And I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle, ya know?!? Luckily my employer has agreed that I can work one day a week from home, so I will only be out of the house four days instead of five. I am trying to find a little solace in that. Also my mother in law has agreed to watch him at our house, so I feel better having that resolved and knowing he will be here in our home with all of his own stuff and in a familiar place. And I’m only 15 minutes away. But I just know I am going to miss things, and I hope they aren’t the “big” things. Someone else will be caring for him and I wish it were me.
I suppose I have two competing feelings about my return to work. On one hand I am looking forward to feeling like I am contributing again – doing good work, being successful, hitting goals. I do enjoy my job and I like the company I work for and I like (most of) my coworkers. It will be nice to put my degrees back to work and use my mind the way I am used to. But I think of all I will miss. I love seeing his smile and listening him “chat” with me, and I love when he puts out his pouty lower lip, and seeing him sit in his Sit Me Up Chair, and watching him hold his head up high during tummy time. I love our time together while nursing – sometimes I just stare down at him in amazement. And morning cuddles in bed before I’m ready to face the world. These 14 weeks are most likely the only time in his life where I was off work and dedicated to him (almost) 24/7. And I will have all of the memories, but he won’t. I wish he could remember the talks and the walks outside and the books we’ve read.
We are still going strong with breastfeeding, but we’ve also introduced him to bottles now since my return to work is fast approaching and I won’t be nursing him for all of his feedings. I am still pumping and all in all it is going well, just a lot of work. Right now he’s getting one bottle a day from The Husband and there hasn’t been any confusion or change in his feeding habits. We’ve been using Dr. Brown’s bottles and our lactation nurse has worked with me to put together a pumping schedule for when I’m at work. I hope it is successful and we can continue on breast milk for at least a year; I don’t want my return to work to hinder that at all. I guess we will take that as it comes.
In other news, I’m ready for winter to be over. We had 12.4 inches of snow dumped on us Thursday, and now more snow tonight/tomorrow morning. One snowstorm each winter is enough, thank you very much.