I remember writing this post last year around this time, about how I was throwing myself into the holiday spirit. I am doing the same this year, but it’s a little less forced now that McLovin is here and my heart doesn’t ache in the same way. It still aches – for the three souls I lost, and for all I missed out out on with them, for all they missed out on. It aches in memory of how I felt the past two Christmases. I think I will always have that grief and heartache in me, maybe buried deep down, maybe hibernating, maybe fading in and out and just a memory at times – but it will be there.
Much has changed, but much has stayed the same.
Same Christmas decorations in the same spots around the house. Same fake tree. Same holiday specials recorded on the DVR (you know, the classics – Rudolph, Frosty, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town…)
Now there is a new little one in our house, and a new ornament on the tree for him, next to ours and our dogs (the dog has THREE of her own ornaments, and The Husband and I each have only one!)
Now we are a family of three (plus two pets.) What do you get a newborn for Christmas? He needs nothing, yet I would feel odd if there was nothing for him. Not that he can open gifts or even understands the holiday yet. But it’s his first Christmas, and we’ve waited three years for this, and I want to do it all.