Destination Wedding Aggravation

Warning: this will be a rant-y post, so please feel free to skip over it if you aren’t in the mood to hear some hormonal whining/complaining/ranting.

The Husband was asked to be the Best Man in his cousin’s wedding next year, which he said yes of course. Well, they’ve decided to do a destination wedding in Florida. In August. And then a celebration after the fact here in Massachusetts in September. And they expect us to be at both.

Now, back when we got married we considered a destination wedding but ultimately decided against it because we didn’t want to put people out, and we knew people important to us, like our grandparents, wouldn’t go. And I didn’t want to ask our bridesmaids and groomsmen to incur the extra expense. If we had done it, it would be with the expectation that not everyone would want or be able to attend. We decided it wasn’t for us, but I don’t have a problem with them in general.

The problem, for me, becomes when people EXPECT you to go or demand that you go. They are deciding for you that your hard earned money and vacation time should be spent on their whim; for their wedding at the destination they choose. What if I don’t want to go there? What if I had another vacation destination in mind? What if I don’t want to go to Florida in August and deal with the heat and humidity down south, when we wait all year long for a few nice months of summer up north? I loathe going on tropical/warm weather vacations during the summer and wasting the wonderful New England summer weather.

Not to mention that my vacation time next year, hopefully with a healthy baby by my side, will be a commodity. I have a certain amount of time and I’d like to use it how I see fit and to be with my baby! And The Husband’s family has already made comments that we can just “leave the baby home with N” (my mother.) I waited a long time and suffered a lot of grief to get to this point, and why should I “just leave him home”? Perhaps I will want a getaway with my husband, some alone time. Maybe we will enjoy a quick getaway, but it wouldn’t be “alone time” or “just us” with his entire family there anyway. Perhaps I won’t want a getaway and won’t want to leave my baby! I don’t know how I will feel but I don’t think they should be assuming things like that. Maybe my mother won’t want to watch him for several overnights – she works full time so would need to take time off work too. What if I don’t want to spend my money on this? Flights, hotels, rental cars, etc. We could afford it, but why should I have to spend money on all this for a vacation that is not of my choosing in the first place? If I had unlimited vacation and funds I wouldn’t mind. But the fact is I only have so much vacation time, and we have only so much money in our budget for vacations.

Also, August 31st is our fiscal year end at work, which is a very busy time for us in Finance. Usually the last 2-3 weeks of August is a vacation freeze. We can take a random day here or there during that time, but taking several days is frowned upon and may not be approved anyway. I really don’t feel like dealing with that, because I would need to take multiple days to accommodate this wedding – it’s not on a weekend, it’s on a Thursday so I’d need to take multiple work days off. And I really don’t care to do that.

We have already been asked several times what are plans are for traveling and when we think we might go and leave and the hotel and this and that. My response was, I am trying to get through my own situation first – what with my due date fast approaching. All I want is to have a safe, healthy delivery and give birth to a healthy baby boy. That’s really all I care about right now. I don’t want to rain on their parade, I am happy for them that they have found happiness together and they are a great couple, but this really isn’t at the top of my mind or a priority for me at the moment.

I am just bothered by this situation. I don’t want to go to Orlando in August and be in the sweltering heat. I don’t want to spend vacation time on this and I don’t want this to interfere with our usual summer vacation to Martha’s Vineyard – I’m not giving that up. We go every year and I’ve dreamed of bringing my own child because I have such happy childhood memories there. I don’t like people telling me to just leave my baby home – he’s not even here yet. I can already feel I won’t want to leave him.

I am getting bothered and I feel like I shouldn’t – it’s many months away and who knows what will happen between now and then, how I will feel. But if people would stop mentioning it and asking about it then I wouldn’t have to think about it at the moment. Maybe I am anxious about traveling because my boss is already mentioning conferences she wants me to register for in April, requiring travel, when I’d presumably be back from maternity leave only a month or so. Maybe I am being a selfish self-centered jerk and should just suck it up and go. Maybe I will do that in the end. Maybe the hormones and pregnancy angst are making me crabby and annoyed for stupid reasons.

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15 Responses to Destination Wedding Aggravation

  1. jwhitworth7 says:

    Florida in August = hell. Much better off to have a summer wedding up north in the summer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sbach1222 says:

    You are not being selfish at all! The couple has to understand that there are sacrifices that they will have to make to have a destination wedding, and that is that some people won’t be able to come and that it is asking a lot, and it might take people a while to know if they even CAN go. Especially when there is a new little one in the mix. No one else’s world revolves around them. As long as they understand that, then all should be okay.

    Sorry you are stressing. It’s been one of those days all around I think!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you are completely justified in this!! We said no to a destination wedding last year due to adoption costs and the fact thag the groom is someone I have never met but my husband knows from high school and hadn’t spoken to in years. Anyways my husbands family and thr groom were upset with us.
    In the end it didn’t matter as the engagement was broken off before the wedding and we were just thankful we didn’t book the tickets!
    Anyways I’m sorry this is causing you stress. I hope they understand that right now your focus is on your little guy, because as far as I’m concerned that’s exactly where your focus should be!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. First of all, having a destination wedding you automatically cannot assume that people will come. They are expensive for people to attend. I actually had one myself, and we decided to do it this way only bc both of our families would have had to fly to our wedding even if we had it where we lived, and we still didn’t expect people to come. Having a destination wedding on a Thursday should be lowering there expectation of attendance even more! I know they are likely totally wrapped up in how “fun” they think this will be for everyone, but clearly they aren’t being realistic. And I totally get your limited vacation time. I have the same issue and I do not want to be told when I have to use this precious time off. Your rant is totally justified. On another note, Florida in August is miserable and I wouldn’t want to go then either! Especially when you are getting the best weather of the year where you live! UG sorry you are dealing with this stress!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. RJ says:

    You’re smart to focus on you and your baby at this time. You have no idea how you’re going to feel about leaving him at home. Plus I get the limited vacation. It seems super unreasonable to expect people to come to a Thursday destination wedding…so ridiculous! I’m sorry you have this unneeded stress right now. You should only be focusing on preparing for your baby’s arrival!

    If you do go, can you bring your baby and someone to watch him while you go to the wedding? Then you’re only apart for a short time. But this suggestion is kind of beside the point, but just an idea!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mamalife says:

    I dont think your are hormonal at all on this. Excepting a new mom to leave her kid <than 6 months multiple nights (assuming you are planninf to bfeed) is not fair at all to the baby. And forget the august heat, money etc, its totally unfair to expect anything from a new mom. I personally feel, just let them know. Be polite about it, dont let your feelings about it come up, say that you cannot commit to it and maybe you will come, but right now with so many variables, you really cannot predict how August will be.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mamalife says:

      Aah!! WordPress.
      Expecting a new mom to leave her less than 6 month old baby away for multiple nights is not fair. If you plan to bfeed, then its even more unfair!
      Be upfront to them, let them know that you cannot commit to something so early because you dont know how things will be in August with so many variables.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. KT says:

    I live in Florida and no one gets married in August here for all the reasons you mentioned. It’s so hot and humid and rains pretty much every day. Also, a wedding that is not only a destination wedding but also on Thursday? Seems like that is going to make it extremely difficult for anyone who works full time to attend.

    Honestly, as we were nearing the end of our pregnancy with our rainbow baby I basically told everyone that I refused to make any plans/major life decisions until baby was safely in my arms and that they could just chill out.

    Hope you can rest and relax and deal with all this later : )

    Liked by 1 person

  8. lyra211 says:

    So, my baby boy is about the age your baby boy will be when this wedding hits. We’ve just gotten him into a sleeping/eating routine that sort of works. Our 1-week trip to Minnesota to visit in-laws in August turned him into a cranky, sleepless monster, and I am dreading the next time we leave home, because I bet sleep will be thrown into upheaval. But when we’re home, he’s a charming little guy. If I were deciding about this right now, given everything you’ve said, I’d say “see ya!” to my husband, let him go to the wedding for a few days, and I’d stay home with the babe (maybe ask my mom to come visit to help out). At this age, they’re not too bad to handle solo, but they can be nightmares while traveling. So if it’s important to your husband he could go, but you might be better off at home.

    And importantly, no reasonable person should expect you to make this decision right now, and no reasonable person should fault you for deciding to not plan to go when you’re about to give birth to your first living baby. Nobody knows how parenthood is going to change their priorities or throw their lives into upheaval, and I think it’s 100% reasonable for you to say “I just can’t deal with planning this right now, so I am not currently planning to bring the baby, but if things go well we might reconsider as the date gets closer.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • lyra211 says:

      Oh, yeah, and telling you to just leave the baby with your mom is pure crazy town. You have no idea what your baby’s feeding quirks will be. My little guy never took a bottle, and is still sort of random on whether or not he’ll take a sippy cup — if my husband tries to feed him one at a time I’m usually there to nurse, he’ll often refuse, even if it means he’s a weepy mess because he’s so hungry. And he’s been slow to take to solids too. So I’d never leave him for multiple nights at this age… I’d be worried he’d wind up needing a feeding tube or something. Many babies are much more chill about eating than my guy, so it might not be an issue for you… but my point is that at this stage you just have no idea!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh girl, people are ruuuuude and full of bad advice to new parents. It’s none of their damn business where you go, when, or with whom, and nobody I mean NOBODY has a say-so about your parenting decisions. Chances are you WON’T want to leave your baby with anyone and he won’t want to be separated from you. F*ck Florida. The only person you do need to communicate with us the cousin–your DH needs to decline to be Best Man so that cousin can ask someone else. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Whether you have a new born or not destination weddings are something you plan to expect that not everyone will make it – especially if they are getting married during the week! A destination wedding is for getting away from it all and may mean leaving friends behind that’s a decision they have made. And if it was important enough to have your closest friends and family, I would have checked before hand everyone could make it! No one has a right to be arsey if you decide not to go. For whatever reason!!! That’s basic wedding planning etiquette 🙄

    We went to Mexico for my hubby’s best friend’s wedding but decided that if we went we would have to go for a shorter time and stay in a cheaper, but nicer and kid free (we were TTC-ing !!) hotel. The day of the wedding we discovered we had to pay $100 each for a wristband to eat the dinner and have anything to drink (just cokes for me!).
    I can see you are caught between a rock and a hard place, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you don’t feel guilty for not going – sure you will be sad to miss out! But you shouldn’t feel bad about not going if you turn it down, don’t let others make you feel guilty.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Nara says:

    I think there’s no obligation to attend a destination wedding – in fact I think people have them so they don’t have to invite everyone! I totally wouldn’t worry about saying no. I said no to a (non immediate) family member’s wedding as it would have cost £2k each which is insane! I don’t think they took offence at all – they thought that most people wouldn’t be able to and only had about 10 guests. I would just not go if you don’t want to, and don’t feel bad about it!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. jivf says:

    You’re justified in being annoyed that everyone is assuming a lot of things. No one knows where they will be in August, let alone how they’ll feel that far ahead! Don’t sweat it – you’ve got bigger things to focus on now. Just take it as it comes and make the decision when it becomes relevant.

    Like

  13. You have all the right in the world to want to do you after all you guys have been through. That’s a long time away and yes people do tend to demand a lot for their weddings including destination wedding. You never know you might get pregnant again and have to stay away due to Zika!! Seriously though, they are saying to stay away (even if you are just planning on getting pregnant) even from Florida – sorry to add one more grievance !!

    Liked by 1 person

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