I’ve been in a funk the past few days. It started Sunday night really, and has continued through this evening. I feel just really sort of down, like I want to cry, and just sort of SAD. In a way that I haven’t through (most) of this pregnancy. In fact, I had been feeling relatively “up” after the shower (and anxiety) had passed.
Now, I feel dreary and tired.
I am tired. It’s more than the drizzle outside. It’s more than the hormones.
I guess it started when one of my mother’s dogs had to be rushed to the vet over the weekend and had emergency surgery. Now he has a 50/50 chance of making it. He had an intestinal blockage, they did surgery. He’s home now, but isn’t eating and when he had bloodwork done yesterday his white blood count was up, which obviously is a sign of infection. It makes me sad to think of him not eating and losing weight and not being himself. He’s typically a pain in the butt and admittedly isn’t my favorite of her dogs, and he’s too rambunctious, but he does have his sweet moments and doesn’t deserve this. Seeing him listless, the complete opposite of himself, makes me want to cry.
Then today one of our good friends lost their dog to Lymphoma. He was a boxer, only a year or two older than my own Layla. Such a handsome boy, we would also call him Layla’s boyfriend. That made me want to cry.
Also, I’m back on the Facebook and I follow so many animal rescue groups and animal shelters. Seeing all those animals every day in my news feed, abandoned or sick or injured, makes me want to cry. I think I need to deactivate my Facebook again if only so I don’t have to see those poor animals. I don’t mind donating, in fact I donate often when I see a really terrible case and to shelters all over, but it’s very emotionally taxing to see it all the time and that it’s just going to keep coming.
Today we had another growth scan with MFM. Baby Boy was practice breathing, and is up to 4 lbs. 4 oz. He’s gone from the 60th percentile to the 63rd percentile, fluid levels good, and his heart rate was 159. I was concerned that it was a bit higher than usual (usually at our ultrasounds and OB visits it’s in the 149-151 range) but Dr. T said it’s perfectly normal to fluctuate, especially if we caught him at an active time. His head was crammed down in my pelvis, so we couldn’t get any good 4D or profile shots, but he stuck his tongue out at one point so I guess he has my attitude. Dr. T is recommending that we do weekly non-stress tests with my OB, starting around 34/35 weeks I believe. She said that typically if a patient has some underlying diagnosis, or if they had lost a pregnancy due to a placenta issue or the like, she would recommend it. Although we don’t fall into those categories, her thought is that I’ve never been this pregnant before and we’re getting to the home stretch, and she wants to make sure that everything is holding up and that there is not something we overlook. She compared it to taking out a small insurance policy and she is a conservative physician – she sees nothing wrong in any of our scans and everything continues to look good, BUT, I am a “special patient” and we STILL don’t have the genetic test results back from Children’s Hospital, so although there is nothing wrong that we know of or that is obvious on any scans, she wants to cross every t and dot every i. But she made sure to mention more than once that everything she sees looks fine, it’s just my terrible history.
See that?!? I am a special patient! Take note, world. But I mean, I get it. I am worried of the unknown too. I am worried that my placenta will just give out or something equally horrible that I haven’t dreamed up yet will happen. I worry about it every day.
And that’s when I started to cry. I want my baby here. It’s been almost three years since my first positive pregnancy test. This is my fourth pregnancy. All the visits and procedures and genetic tests and worries and ultrasounds – today marked my eighth ultrasound for this pregnancy. I am getting to the point where I feel exhausted and drained, emotionally/mentally at least. I am mentally tired. I have been through the losses and been fighting and pushing and now I am tired. I am not giving up by any means, or quitting, but I am ready for him to be here. I am ready to meet him and hold him – I know he still has some growing and developing to do, and he is not ready, but I am ready. I am ready to breathe out. Of course Dr. T and E understood and held my hand until it passed. Like they always do. I wonder when I’ll run out of tears.
The Husband was a little concerned as we discussed it on the drive home – “Just when we think everything is great they want to do more testing! We can’t relax!” I tried to explain that NSTs are not uncommon, and that everything looks fine and Dr. T is just trying to provide us more assurances/comfort than what the ultrasound can offer.
Now I have my regularly scheduled OB visit tomorrow, our hospital tour/preparing for childbirth class this weekend, our maternity photos next week, another OB visit in two weeks, a growth scan in four weeks, and by then I’ll be 35 weeks. I hope by then I’m feeling more upbeat! Although I guess we all deserve those days once in a while, those dreary days when we just want to curl up and lay in bed and shut out the world.