All These Things I Carry Now, In This Bittersweet, In This Bittersweet Now

My baby shower is this weekend, and while I am mostly looking forward to it and excited, I have also been experiencing some mixed emotions as it draws closer to the date. It’s been an unlikely trigger and brought up some sadness that I thought I had mostly dealt with at the beginning of the pregnancy.

My mother has been very excited about everything, to say the least, and so the whole event has grown a little bit bigger than I had originally imagined. I have a large family to begin with, but she’s also invited some of her own friends (some of whom I’ve never met) and I feel like it’s a lot of pressure. Although this pregnancy has been completely different that my previous pregnancies and I am trying to have faith in my baby and my own body to bring him home safely, I still do experience bouts of anxiety and fear. I tried to avoid telling people for the longest time (even on this blog!) and now I am going to be front and center for a few hours this weekend and I’m having a little anxiety about that in itself. I’m not a person who necessarily enjoys being the center of attention to begin with – I think I do my best work under the radar if I do say so myself!

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to celebrate this (by all accounts) healthy baby and pregnancy, and I’m grateful to my mother and my friends/family who have helped her organize and plan the shower. I know how much thought and time they’ve put into making this a great day for me. And this baby deserves to be celebrated, he is my little miracle! But it is also bittersweet and has dredged up old feelings about my previous pregnancies. Those babies were never celebrated. Those babies never had a day when friends and family were excitedly anticipating their arrival. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for me. And I’m trying to balance that with feeling happy and excited for this baby. Most of the time I have managed these different feelings well, but this week I feel like it’s been a fine line and I’ve fallen a little off balance. I tell myself that just because I am sad for my previous losses doesn’t mean I can’t be happy or excited for this baby and his impending arrival. He deserves to have people be excited for him. But I also don’t want to forget the three that came before him. During my first pregnancy my mother had gone so far as to book a date and venue for the shower, but then we lost that baby at 19 weeks and she had to cancel it. I’ve harbored that fear in the back of my mind that it would happen that way again – that she’d have to cancel it.

Anyway. I had my bi-weekly acupuncture appointment last night and that seemed to help me a bit. And I’ve kept myself busy with getting his room together (it’s painted, new lighting/ceiling fan installed, crib and dresser assembled, and a few decor items are on the wall now!) I’ve also been reading – I’m about 75% of the way through Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, and next up on my reading list is Touchpoints. My next OB appointment is Friday, and I’m getting an “Expectant Mother Manicure” Friday in preparation for the weekend. I decided to take a long weekend off work – Friday and Monday, as Monday is our eight year wedding anniversary. We don’t have any special plans, and I imagine we’ll have a lot of organizing to do, but it will be nice to have the day off and spend it together. And after our anniversaries of two years ago and last year, I’m sure I’ll appreciate having a quiet day to ourselves. So I don’t want it to seem as if I am wallowing, because I’m not. I am grateful and happy and excited and I’m sure that most people wouldn’t even know or be able to tell that I have other feelings about it all. I am happy to be one week closer to meeting this baby! I love when I feel him kicking and moving! It’s just a little bittersweet as well.


We are perfect angels!

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to All These Things I Carry Now, In This Bittersweet, In This Bittersweet Now

  1. lyra211 says:

    I wonder if there’s a way to recognize your other babies at your shower — would that help it feel a little more authentic to you? It wouldn’t necessarily have to be dramatic, but if you have ultrasounds or bump photos or other mementos from those pregnancies you could make a little table of memories. Just a thought — I often feel more comfortable with my pregnancy/parenting anxieties when I acknowledge that part of my history, but I know that not everyone is comfortable with being open about their previous losses. I hope your shower is beautiful and that you celebrate the heck out of this amazing little guy!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I ended up wearing a piece of jewelry (necklace) that I have that represents all three of my losses, and the ruby ring that I bought after my first loss. I think it was enough for me to recognize them to myself, and The Husband, and to feel like they were a part of it in that way. But it was beautiful and we did celebrate and it was a lovely time! We are very lucky.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lyra211 says:

        That sounds lovely — what a nice private way to honor your other babies at your shower. I’m so glad that you had a great time! Now have fun doing a ton of laundry and box-collapsing. 🙂 Just kidding… I hope it’s satisfying to see things coming together for your little one!


  2. RJ says:

    Happy 8 years to you and your hubby! That’s amazing!

    I can I fully identify with being excited for your current pregnancy but feeling sad that no one but you (and hubby) celebrated the pregnancies that were not to be. I often think about the ages of those children and what they may have been like. It makes me sad as well. And I too have anxiety that rears its head at moments I least expect it, and sometimes it’s hard to control, or even to understand what’s triggering it.

    You will be in my thoughts this weekend and I hope you enjoy your baby shower (and that being the center of attention isn’t too terrible)!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sbach1222 says:

    I understand you completely. Nothing can erase the fears that our past has put on us. We can only be glad for each good report and find some peace in knowing that this time is different. It IS different after all.

    And I hear you about the center of attention thing. I HATE it!!!

    Have fun at your shower. I hope it shows you how much you and baby are loved, all of your babies are loved just the same, people just showed it different ways.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support. We did have a lot of fun at the shower, and it was overwhelming with the love and support from our family and friends! Really above and beyond and it was so very nice. And you are right, this time IS different. I have to keep telling myself that! xxx.


  4. KT says:

    My baby shower was such a trigger for me too. After four losses I was so scared that everyone would celebrate me and baby and give us all these things and then something would happen and I would be “stuck” with it all. I couldn’t even put up the crib/nursery until they told me I might have to be induced early at 33 weeks because of baby’s slow growth so the fact that you are moving along with all that is amazing.

    People who haven’t been through multiple losses don’t really understand how even though the doctors can keep telling you baby is great, healthy and fine that the trauma of past experiences make it so hard to believe that until a living, breathing baby is safely in your arms.

    I hope you can enjoy your long weekend and that you are able to enjoy your shower for the amazing celebration it sounds like it will be : )

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for understanding and for your kind words. I have that exact fear – that something is going to happen and I’m going to be “stuck”. I try to push it out of my mind but it does crop up again from time to thine and I think it must be natural for women like us who have endured the multiple losses. The shower was amazing, and we were able to enjoy it and focus on good energy and thoughts during the celebration! xxx.


  5. Oh I can so understand your mixed emotions and anxiety surrounding this. I’ve thought of the future often and wondered how I will feel having a baby shower and celebrating a baby while thinking about the unfairness of having to say goodbye to my other little ones. I pray you have an enjoyable time and feel special thinking that your babies would want you to be happy and celebrating after so much loss. You totally deserve this happiness! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words Amber! We did have a great time, and I was (am) genuinely happy.. our family and friends did so much to ensure it was a special day and I don’t think I could have felt any way except happy! Hope you are doing well. 🙂 xxx


  6. jwhitworth7 says:

    So happy for you and happy anniversary! I know the shower brings with it mixed emotions as you think about your other pregnancies but I do hope you can enjoy yourself and celebrating this baby boy! And I’m sort of jealous about your acupuncture appts! I haven’t been in years and miss it SO much!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! We were able to enjoy ourselves – I think the feelings leading up to it were much worse, and once the time arrived all those feelings dissipated. I LOVE acupuncture and have been going for two years now! I’m not sure what I did without it!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I hope the shower went well (which in this case might mean “without too many triggers”, but perhaps also with a good time/break for a much-needed cry?) and I’m so glad for every one of your updates where the little one is just growing as expected. I can only imagine how hard this must be after multiple losses. In a way I was glad to be a foreigner without the network/family expecting a baby shower… but on the other hand, it would have been nice to celebrate the little one.

    If you’re up for more reading recommendations, I found “Mindful Birthing” provided much food for thought. I actually went to the class as it was developed where I lived 2 years ago, and found it very helpful for learning to approach pregnancy and birth as something that doesn’t need to be panic-inducing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The shower went very well, and once we were there the anxiety and sadness just sort of washed away and we were able to focus on celebrating this little boy. And than you for the reading recommendation, I’ll have to add that one to my list! It’s good to hear you found it helpful. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Let me know what you think...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s