I’ve been having a bit more anxiety than usual the past week or so. The trigger – it started after I read something on social media – a friend of a friend’s 3 month old daughter passed away in her sleep ten days ago. The parent’s friends started a GoFundMe page to help with funeral expenses, etc., and any extra would go to the SIDS Institute.
I’ve never met this couple before, and they have two older children as well that I have never met. I can imagine how pained and devastated they are. And I’m sure that, as horrifying as I think it is, whatever they are experiencing is worse and my heart broke a little when I saw their daughter’s picture on the GoFundMe page. Why?? There is no answer that will ever suffice. When I saw those posts my mind got immediately swept up in the vicious anxiety web and I was off and running on Google and blogs and getting myself into a panic. It is hard to break out of that feeling that, once you have been “the one” who experiences tragedy (three times no less), you will always be “the one.” I know that I will not always be “the one” and that I am not going to carry all of life’s burdens and tragedies. But I have moments where I feel like I will be and that it is just going to be my lot in life. Even when things are going well with my current pregnancy, I still don’t entirely trust that my good luck will continue…. because it does feel like good luck. Like somehow, during this one pregnancy, I got lucky. I hope that it continues and I hope that I get many, many healthy and happy years with my son, but there are no guarantees for any of us.
And then I decide I just have to try to be present, in this moment right now, and be thankful that I have made it this far. Right now everything is okay. Perhaps it won’t be tomorrow, but there’s no use worrying about it now and wasting this moment. And I don’t want my baby to feel my anxiety.
I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pregnant women with no fears or doubts. The ones that think after 12 weeks, everything is just golden and there is nothing to fear. They are right, the majority of the time at least.
I don’t mean to give the impression that I am just worrying 24/7. We’ve been on vacation and to a comedy show and to Babies R Us and things are moving right along. We’ve even picked out nursery furniture! I’m getting in light exercise and reading and following the dramedy that is our 2016 election (#NeverTrump.) We go out to dinner and have been to cookouts and are going about life. But yes, I do have those moments of agonizing fear – I’ve been through so much to get to this point and I’m so afraid of losing it.