I am 21 weeks pregnant. Well, tomorrow I will be. I can’t believe it. It feels like time has gone by very fast since our first anatomy scan. And now I sit here typing this and I can feel kicks (or is it punches?) and movement. Last night we went to see Jerry Seinfeld perform at Foxwoods in Connecticut, and I was laughing up a storm (obviously). And he was kicking the whole time. Probably because I was laughing a lot, but I jokingly said to The Husband it means he’s already a Seinfeld fan.
I am still nervous and have my fears, but lately I’ve been channeling my anxiety into researching infant/baby products. I was feeling like a slacker and feeling, as they say, “behind the 8 ball” because I didn’t start thinking about anything until after our 18 week anatomy scan. I really just couldn’t. I felt like it was pointless to spend time reading reviews and reading about safety and coming up with nursery ideas until after we made it past that scan. I couldn’t wrap my mind around thinking about this stuff and beginning to plan for November until we knew whether or not there were anatomical anomalies or concerns.
So now we know, and I’m channeling my nervous energy to trying to learn as much as I can about cribs and car seats and strollers and baby wearing and nursery ideas, etc. etc. I’ve spent countless hours on websites and reading reviews, and a good friend of mine bought me the Baby Bargains book – and I’ve read almost every chapter now. I have many friends who have kids, but I was not well versed in any of the different products or brands. A total novice. Now I feel more educated and a little less overwhelmed. However, even after reading parts of the book, the first time we went to Babies ‘R Us was completely overwhelming. We spent HOURS in there and only decided on about three items. And it seems like everyone has an opinion to offer and they are all different – someone loved this, but someone else hated it. Someone’s baby wouldn’t sleep without ____, and another person’s baby hated it and they ended up selling it. So some of this may be useless until baby is here and I know what he likes. Maybe I’m making too much out of it or taking it too seriously, but I went through too much grief and heartache to get to this point and I want to make sure we have everything we need, and that it’s SAFE. My hyper-vigilance has turned from getting through the first half of the pregnancy to what is going to happen when Baby Boy is (hopefully) here with us, happy and healthy.
And I do say “hopefully” because I am painfully aware that just because we’ve made it this far, and just because things are going well, doesn’t mean that something can’t happen later in pregnancy. It will never escape me that there is no “safe point”… I am happy and thankful to have made it this far, but until he is here – safe and in one piece with all his fingers and toes – I will have that fear in the back of my mind.
Even though I still have my fears and anxiety, I do enjoy being pregnant for the most part. Well, now that I’m safely in the second trimester and am no longer nauseous and tired. I have energy and am walking, doing some light weight training and practicing yoga several times a week. I like watching my bump grow and feeling him move. Sometimes it’s strange when a large chunk of my abdomen feels like it’s shifting and moving, but I like feeling him and knowing he’s there. I like looking at nursery ideas, even though it overwhelms me. I’ve started wearing maternity pants more and more, and I like them because they are actually really comfortable and I wish I could wear them ALL THE TIME. I’ve been getting a chair massage every other week (we have a masseuse at work every Thursday) and I like taking that time out for me – and it helps my back (I have been experiencing some back pain.) I like my Snoogle pregnancy pillow, which I bought to help with my back pain and to help me fall asleep easier without tossing and turning.
One point of stress that I’ve had recently has to do with having a baby shower. I was ambivalent about whether or not I wanted to have one – the fears and anxieties that crop up after having three losses will make any celebration seem like a bad idea and a jinx. But I will also say that I don’t want to cheat myself out of happiness and celebrating our baby boy – I want my turn to celebrate my little one too. Sometimes I would also feel down on myself for not allowing myself to feel or experience the joys and excitement that “normal” pregnant woman feel. I would justify it by saying I would be happy and excited once he’s here, and it doesn’t matter if I’m happy and excited now. Which I still consider to be true and valid. But as time has gone on and I’ve tried to relax and enjoy this pregnancy more, I became more comfortable with the idea of a shower. So now my mother, aunt and friend M are off and running with it. BUT NOW… there is always a but…
Enter my MIL. My mother has been in touch with her throughout and they chose a date for the shower together, which works for both of them. Except now my MIL and FIL decided that they want to fulfill one of their travel bucket list destinations this year (instead of next year like they originally planned) and so she asked The Husband if I would be “mad” if she wasn’t at the shower. After she had offered to help my mother, had a list of friends she wanted added to the invitation list and has been itching to be a grandmother since we got married. The Husband is an only child, so we are her only shot at being a grandmother. For the record, we are not very close – we get along and have never had any disagreements or whatnot, but it’s not like we go shopping together or out to lunch together or hang out. So I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep. I just think it’s rude that they are considering changing her travel plans and it just so happens to coincide with the baby shower date so she won’t be there. She didn’t have this planned ahead of time – she’s planning it after knowing about the shower. It’s just annoying to me, and The Husband (trying to be the dutiful son) keeps trying to justify it – “Well, business is good for them right now so they know they can leave now with no worries – it might not be good next year.” Or “My grandfather has been sick lately but he’s doing better – he might be very sick next year and they might not want to leave then if he’s really ill.” And “Well, wouldn’t it be better for them to be around next year in case we need help with the baby? At least we don’t need help right now.” If, if, if. What if my aunt had balls? Then she’d be my uncle. One of her ideas, to make it up to me/us (just the fact that you feel like you have to make amends to someone for something proves that you know it isn’t exactly right!), is to throw a second shower when she’s back. It took me long enough to become comfortable with the idea of one shower, never mind two. I am not a fan of this idea – I really do not want two showers when one would suffice.
Okay, this post took a turn for the worse. If you read through all of that, please accept my apologies. Rant over. But if anyone out there has any recommendations on any products they had and loved/couldn’t live without, or that were a waste of time and money, I would love to hear about it.