The Girl Who Cried “Pregnant!”

I feel like a fraud. Y’know:

a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

In other words…impostor, fake, sham, charlatan, quack, mountebank (never even heard of mountebank before, thanks Google!) A fraud of a blogger. A fraud of a friend. A fraud of a coworker. A fraud of a pregnant woman.

In my last post I mentioned that I had many posts in draft (up to 18 now!) that I just didn’t feel like publishing. I think that’s a metaphor for how my life has been since April. I have been safe in my cocoon at home, basking in being a hermit, and I haven’t wanted to change that. I’ve been afraid to change that.

The fact is, I am (almost) 15 weeks pregnant. I will be 15 weeks on Monday. This is the farthest I have made it since my first pregnancy in 2014. We were able to rule out anencephaly at 10 weeks. At 12 weeks the nuchal scan came back low risk, and last week we got our NIPT results back – normal/low risk on all of the chromosomal abnormalities for which they tested. The heartbeat has been strong. All of our ultrasounds have looked normal. We have been getting good news at every visit and we’ve had plenty – three MFM visits/ultrasounds with Dr. T and two OB visits thus far.

Every time something gets checked off the list – No anencephaly! No chromosomal abnormalities! – I move on to a new worry. I briefly considered purchasing a home doppler, but the nurse at Dr. F’s office talked me out of it and I think that’s a good thing. But I miss the days of being hopelessly blissful and ignorant. Knowledge is power, and I’ve certainly been advocating for myself and asking my questions but I wish I didn’t know so much about what could go wrong, and I knew more about what could go right. The number of different worries that flit in and out of my mind each day are things that were never on my radar in 2013 or early 2014. And I don’t want to see people, because I don’t want to tell people, and at this point I’m starting to either look like I’ve put on some pre-summer pounds or I’m pregnant. My belly is definitely thicker, and I’m probably one of those women that you look at and think – is she gaining weight or is she pregnant? (Rightly or wrongly we’ve all had those thoughts run through our head when we see a woman who’s looking bigger, yes?) And it’s starting to look less like I ate a big dinner and more like a bump. Every time I think I am ready to tell people – first I though we would tell after we ruled out anencephaly, then I told myself after the nuchal scan, then I told myself after we got the MaterniT21 results – I always think of a new reason to delay.

So, I am pregnant. We are having a boy. Come November I should be giving birth to a son. I feel like a fraud because every other time I’ve been pregnant something terrible has happened and then I am no longer pregnant and without a living child to show for it. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed, but every time something goes wrong I feel like all I do is get people’s hopes up (namely, our parents) and then they just get dashed with bad news. I am hoping this time is different. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be one of those pregnant women who sing it from the rooftops and tell people as soon as they get a positive test. I honestly feel like I could just tell nobody and let them find out when they will. Organically. No big announcement. If you see me and I have a bump, then you know I’m pregnant. If you see me next year and I’m wearing my baby boy in a sling, then you know I had a baby.

I don’t know how often I will blog for the time being. Even writing this, publishing this, makes me feel superstitious and like I might be jinxing things. Everything has been going well – why change the status quo? But if all progresses well and baby is healthy it will become obvious to those around me anyway, so I can’t hide forever. It’s not that I’m not excited. Believe me, I am excited that things have been going well and (so far) everything looks healthy. I am excited to have a son. I am excited that this is another chance for our dream to come true. But the fear is real.

Now, I am going to shower (I actually got sweaty on my morning walk – summer is approaching!) and then watch some of the Six Feet Under marathon HBO has gifted us this weekend. I forgot how much I enjoyed it the first time around – with the notable exception of “That’s My Dog”… no single episode of a television show has ever made me so uncomfortable… not only was David hijacked, but I felt hijacked while I was watching it and I plan to never watch that episode again. Very f’ing disturbing. I will be skipping that episode for sure.

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Begging for some Ben and Jerry’s 🍦

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59 Responses to The Girl Who Cried “Pregnant!”

  1. babylossmama says:

    I am so happy for you and am wishing for a sticky baby. I know exactly how you feel. I hated having to tell people because I was afraid of getting their hopes up and then I’d have to deal with that disappointment on top of my grief. We waited until 22 weeks because I was lucky enough to be able to hide it that long but I never felt safe. It sucks, to know so much. You can do this though. Pregnancy takes so much courage. You’ve got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. snowdroplets says:

    I’m happy for you! You’re no fraud or mountebank ( whatever that is)! Sending you and your baby lots of positive thoughts for a healthy pregnancy and baby boy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! Mountebank is such a strange word but that’s what Google gave me yesterday lol… I may throw it around in casual conversation soon to see how others react 🙂 But I appreciate your good thoughts for us and I am sending some back to you too! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There are no words! I am so so so happy for you and happy you decided to get pregnant! I wish I could hug you right now. I have so many questions for you (how do you feel?, how did it feel getting each of those results?, and countless other things that are none of my business). We have been doing everything alongside each other, the nips, the nuchal, everything! I had a feeling in my heart I must say. I don’t know why. There was no indication. And a boy! We are both having a boy!
    You are no fraud my dear. You had bad luck, just bad luck. It’s terrible and heartbreaking and all of the things we know about TFMR but you are no fraud. You don’t work about an

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! As for how I feel, physically much better now that I am out of the first trimester – I vomited only three times but the constant battle between nausea and hunger, coupled with the fatigue was really hard for about a month. But now I am well enough to start light exercise again (walking and yoga) so that has helped me immensely. Hoping that both of our boys arrive happy and healthy later this year!
      If you ever want to chat, feel free to email me – even if I don’t update the blog much I’ll be checking emails for sure. ashleighbee721 at gmail dot com.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Stupid phone posted before I was ready. Last sentence should say “you don’t worry about anyone but yourself right now.” Again I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Enjoy your shower and tv show!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so incredibly happy for you and completely understand your trepidation. I am hoping with everything in me that you continue to receive good news at each ultrasound/appointment and that baby continues to grow big and strong. Sending you so much love and copious amounts of hope!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That’s so great!!! I’m so happy for you!!! Really hoping everything continues to go well and you have a smooth delivery in November!! Keep us up to date!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. leemc2417 says:

    Yes, yes, yes! I knew it! Something in your last post made me think that you might be pregnant, and to say that I’m estatic for you would be an understatement. I’m so happy you have been getting good results after good results and pray that you continue to receive them! As far as telling people….well, I waited until about 30 weeks with Brecken. I’m 25 weeks with number two and still haven’t told anyone soooo…… I get it. Take your time. After all, it’s no one’s business but yours and when you’re ready, you’re ready. You’ve been through he’ll, so don’t feel obligated to do anything before you’re ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. RJ says:

    Congrats my friend! I am so happy to read this. I completely understand your reservations about telling people (in real life and in the blog world). That does not make you a fraud, it makes you cautious based on your prior experiences. It’s so hard to be pregnant after loss, and you’ve had incredibly devastating losses. I will keep you, your partner, and your little baby boy in my thoughts and I am sending over lots of positivity. Hugs and congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my gosh, what an amazing post to read! Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. jwhitworth7 says:

    I got chills reading this! I am so happy to hear that all the test results look good. Oh man oh man this post just made my day!!! And a boy!!! Ohhhhh!! Yay!!!! May the rest of your pregnancy be textbook normal and enjoyable!!! Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. lyra211 says:

    Huge, huge congratulations on having made it this far and on all the tests you’ve passed — I am so incredibly happy for you. What amazing, wonderful news. I am wishing you the most boring, normal pregnancy that ever there was.

    And… I think it’s totally fine to let people find out organically. That’s what we did, and it worked great for us. Also, as I look back over my pregnancy pictures, I realize that even though I felt huge at 15 weeks, I didn’t actually look as huge as I felt. I bet you can get away with not talking about it for a lot longer if you don’t want to, and just privately enjoy that growing bump. Most people are polite enough not to ask, and the ones that aren’t, well, you deal with them as they happen.

    Wishing you all the luck in the world, and thank you for telling us. This is just incredible news that has hugely brightened up my Sunday morning.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Mindy Lauren says:

    I am so so so happy for you!!! My fingers are crossed that come this winter you are toting your baby boy around in a sling!!!!! Yay!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Krystal says:

    Read this really quick (on the way out the door) – I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! Praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy for mom and baby, and cannot wait to “meet” this little man!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Jivf says:

    Amazing update! I’m thrilled to hear you’re doing well and out of the first trimester. You don’t owe anyone an explanation so don’t feel bad. Being nosy, I was sure you were waiting for some results in June for something before moving forward, but I’m so glad to hear your timeline jumped forward! Hope you continue to feel good.
    Go ahead and post those drafts!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! We were going to wait, but I got extremely impatient and just said… “F it”… quite literally. And now here we are three months later…

      Like

      • jivf says:

        Wow. That’s scary and brave and familiar. I’m so glad it worked out! At least you’ll still get the info for future reference. Was your husband on board or was there convincing? Do you have a plan for telling people?

        Like

  15. Jen says:

    OMG!! I am so happy to read this!! I wish you all of the best. You deserve a normal boring pregnancy followed by a beautiful,living, happy baby!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Nara says:

    This is wonderful news! Wishing you an uneventful remainder of your pregnancy. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  17. wooow, such good news! you’re not jinxing it by posting it on wordpress (I had the same irrational feeling ;-). You deserve a happy baby boy in November. I’m sending all my good luck wishes your way!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Justonemore says:

    Long time lurker/reader who is so happy for you. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I’m so happy to read this news! I know pregnancy after loss is hard in a way that you can’t really put into words so I completely understand all of the conflicting emotions you are feeling. But I am so happy for you and hoping that you continue to get good news! XOXO!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Congratulations! Am cautiously celebrating for you and your husband and extended family. Sending positive vibes for all the remaining “milestones” to a healthy newborn.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Congratulations!! I’m so very happy for you! And I can only imagine how hard it is. At work, I only announced my pregnancy with SB to my boss and one colleague I was close to. The rest figured it out with time 😉
    Hang in there. I so much hope you will bring home a baby this fall. Many hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Oh, I was so hoping this was the reason for your recent silence. So excited for you. Of course your caution is completely reasonable and understandable and you should do exactly what feels comfortable for you this whole pregnancy and nothing more or less. Hang in there and please keep us posted as much as you feel up to it. I’m rooting for you and BABY BOY!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. ChickinNH says:

    I am so happy for you. I am hoping so hard that everything will go smoothly and I cannot wait for you to hold a healthy baby in your arms. I truly want that for you so badly. I understand the fear and I am sure that that will not go away until your son is safely born but hang in there. It’s not a fun pregnancy after what you’ve been through but I can say it IS worth it. Wishing you all the best and hoping hoping hoping!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Sondra says:

    I can tell you, your not a fraud. Your babies existed and you are a mom. I’m so happy to read the news of this little one. I know that there is always a new worry and even leaving the hospital with Nora I was convinced someone was going to stop me in the hall and say, “Nope! You don’t get to keep her!” Loss messes with that once naive person we once were. My hope for you is that you’ll find joy. Sending love. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  25. After my first two losses while pregnant with MT I didn’t tell people until after 20 weeks. People had begun guessing and at work I even lied when they tried to hint (toxic work place at that time) so I totally get the hermit/not telling bit though it makes me sad how we suffer through what others embrace with abandon (cue singing from rooftops). Do what you wish, girl!

    As for having a boy: I may have squealed a little for you. Sending so much love and good wishes your way.

    Hoping your silly girl got some Ben & Jerry’s for her efforts. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words! I am making my own rules, lol!
      And no, sadly for her she did not get ice cream – she is in a bit of a diet as she’s started to pack on some pounds in her older years. It doesn’t stop gene from trying though! Haha.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. myhopejar says:

    I can’t believe I missed all these posts. Again, I’m just so happy for you. I hope everything continues to go well!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I am so behind the times and I only just saw this!! Congratulations what wonderful wonderful news!!!!

    Like

  28. Please do not ever worry about what other’s think! Congrats and prayers for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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