Birthday Month

Usually once a day I log on to the Facebook and my first stop is the “On This Day” feature. I like looking back on what I was doing three, four, five years ago. I eschew a lot of aspects of social media and particularly Facebook, but this isn’t one of them. Sometimes I smile appreciatively to myself, thinking about how witty I was. Sometimes I laugh to myself and think “I must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.” Sometimes I remember exactly what prompted me to post those seemingly random lyrics, quotes or memes.

Today, going back to 2008 through 2013, I made a yearly post about March 1st marking the beginning of my “Birthday Month.” That’s right – a birthday wasn’t enough for me, I celebrated the whole damn month! I was a total birthday diva. Dinners with friends, family, co-workers. Cakes. Shopping trips. Vacation to Disney one year. I went harder on my birthday than on Christmas – lots of people celebrate Christmas. I knew only one other person who celebrated March 8th.

dawson_crying

My birthday is March 8th too! How could you forget me?

The Birthday Month posts ended in 2013. I was kind of surprised by this until it hit me. March 1, 2014 was less than a week after our first loss. Clearly I was in no mood for celebrating and self congratulations. Last year we were trying again after Loss #2, and also approaching Baby 2’s Due Date (March 15), so again I wasn’t feeling festive.

My mother called me yesterday and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. Dinner out? Take out at her house? Is there a favorite meal she could cook? I got annoyed at her questioning… All I did was survive a year! I told her… People do it everyday! Who cares? I told her…WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I asked…. Sounding more and more like my father.

One of the nicest memories I have of the immediate aftermath of my first loss is, coincidentally, my birthday. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do anything. We ended up going to her house and she made homemade pizza, chicken wings and mac & cheese. With ice cream cake. That menu is close to my ultimate “comfort meal” and I can’t tell you how excited I was for a buffet of that cheesy, fattening, high cholesterol inducing food. I loved it. Last year was okay, but I don’t remember it as fondly for whatever reason. Maybe because instead of feeling like I just had “bad luck” and perhaps could bring home a child soon if we gave it another go, I was starting to realize there might be more to my losses than bad luck but wasn’t sure what or why.

Anyway… I’m not looking forward to being another year older. I suppose I am trying to age gracefully, but I am aware that my fertility is decreasing exponentially each year (or so the experts say) and all I can picture is empty ovaries all shriveled up like a prune or something. The thought of my impending birthday and getting another year older just makes me feel more anxious to be moving towards something, anything – trying naturally, adoption, whatever – instead of feeling like I’m wasting time. Thirty three is Larry Bird’s number though, and he’s a Boston sports hero, and I always play black 33 when I’m playing roulette at Foxwoods – so it can’t be that bad, right? (Don’t answer that.)

If you’re still reading this, here is a four leaf clover for you as we enter March – I hope it brings you good luck and happiness!

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28 Responses to Birthday Month

  1. I’m sorry your birthday is no longer as fun as it once was. I get this, we had 2 miscarriages right around my birthday so mine too has become an exercise of necessity, not one of enjoyment. If I could stick my head in the ground and just avoid it entirely.
    Anyways, that said, I do hope that whatever you do for your birthday you are able to find some fun in it. Sending you lots of love and truly hoping 33 is the year that all your dreams come true!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you create a new or renewed tradition for yourself this birthday. Get you back in a way. Though I certainly understand not feeling like celebrating. Kind of cool your big day is IWD!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. RJ says:

    I hope you have a good birthday month, even if it’s clouded by past hurts and getting another year older. I hope this is your year…you deserve all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wishing you a happy birthday month. There is nothing shrivelled up about you at 33 I promise, even if it feels like it sometimes X

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I had my first early loss on my birthday about 3 1/2 years ago and between that and the infertility, which made me feel like I was running out of time, I also feel differently about the day. I’ve since started to make it a more private thing. I just found it too hard to fake excitement or happiness around others, so instead I do something with just my husband and that way I can be in whatever mood I’m feeling because I know he will understand. Even if you don’t feel like celebrating your birthday, maybe you could just take some time to do something with your husband. You guys have been through a lot and maybe it’s time you treat yourselves a little bit. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lyra211 says:

    Oy, I’m so sorry. Our daughter’s due date was on my birthday last year — I was so excited about it when I found out, but since she died my birthdays just haven’t been the same. There’s always a shadow hanging over them. If this is part of how you grieve, don’t let anyone tell you you need to snap out of it — I hope your family is sympathetic and understanding.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. yet another downfall of our infertility and RPL struggle, we loose the joy of celebrating our birthdays. Like you, I used to celebrate my birthday month and now I am happy to just let it slip by. I hope that you do find some things to celebrate this month. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was the same back in the day, celebrating all month. I’m sorry that it’s turned into a painful time for you but I wish you a very peaceful happy birthday month, nonetheless. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jivf says:

    What?! No way!!
    A very happy upcoming day to us 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. CJandMe says:

    I can so relate to this. It happens to be my birthday month too. I had my first loss two days before my birthday. I never did celebrate that year. I hope you do have a happy birthday this month 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I have the same feelings when my birthday comes, since my first loss.. I don’t want to celebrate it anymore and just think it’s yet another year without a baby. I hope you manage to do something fun and enjoy the day, besides these thoughts. Wishing you a great month!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Krystal says:

    I hope you have a good birthday month. I know it must be difficult. I lost my boys 4 days after my 29th birthday, so my birthday is always difficult. But I hope this is YOUR year, and great things happen for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Happy birthday month friend. May this year bring you peace and happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Happy birthday month friend. May this year bring you peace and happiness.
    As you told me as I am going through the same feelings and emotions, though our fertility declines with age, you are far from your ovaries shriveling or anything like that. You obviously can get pregnant. I got pregnant with my first little girl right before I turned 33 a couple years ago and now have diminished ovarian reserve. Believe me, you are just fine and I know this is your year. I am here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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