I’ve been preparing for a “bad week” this week, what with the two year anniversary of my first loss. Even though you think you’re past it, and that it won’t be as bad as last year, the date just looms larger as it gets closer. I remember how happy and naive I was two years ago and I feel sad for myself. Sad for the old me, because her life would soon change drastically. Sad for the new me, because she’s sad and still hasn’t succeeded at having a living child.
And sure enough, it started Saturday night. I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby. It was really strange, and I’m sure I’m messing up the flow of the dream, but basically I was pregnant and in labor. I was at a hospital, but not one of the hospital’s I’ve been to in the past. First I was upstairs in a room, and then they wheeled me out. Then I ended up on the ground floor in a large room with rows of empty beds – no curtains around them, no individual rooms, just a large open room with beds. But as I was being wheeled around I could feel the baby “coming out” – and they told me to keep the baby in, and not to push, and I was panicking saying the baby couldn’t stay in that position and the baby was going to die. And then I was in a room and the nurse was holding a stillborn baby and I was saying “I told you I shouldn’t have kept the baby in!”
Isn’t that just awful? I don’t even know where my mind came up with that.
Then on Sunday I just felt off. That night I was feeling a lot of anxiety as I was trying to fall asleep. There was no one particular thought but it was just an overall sense of anxiety and feeling unsettled. I thought about getting out of bed and going to watch TV, or even writing a blog post, but I just laid in bed and eventually dozed off after tossing and turning.
Yesterday started out okay, and then at lunch I checked my email and one of the ladies from my support group had sent me an email saying she is pregnant. She lost her first pregnancy within weeks of my loss, a little girl diagnosed with anencephaly. She went on to have a healthy son last March, her due date was two weeks before my due date for Baby #2, and they are now again expecting a son. I am ashamed to admit that this set me off in a bad way and I did not react internally with much grace.
First, tears of frustration. Why not me? Two years ago she and I were in the same awful spot, and now she is on her way to having her second healthy child and I am still in a miserable place. Have I not suffered enough? Why has she gone on to have healthy pregnancies (and so has another of the ladies from our group, she had a healthy son in November 2014), and yet not me? Instead I have had two more losses. WTF, universe? Second, ignoring it. I still haven’t responded to her email. I could respond with a perfunctory “Congratulations” but really I am just annoyed in general and I don’t feel like responding. Maybe if I ignore it she will just forget about me. As George Costanza once said “I don’t want to be remembered… I want to be forgotten.” Of course, they were discussing having sex with a virgin so it doesn’t really translate to this situation… Anyway, I know my situation isn’t her fault and that she has suffered a terrible loss with her first pregnancy. But she even admitted herself, when we last saw each other for a group get together last summer, that “It hurts less” now that she has a healthy, living child. So now everyone else gets to have things get better but not me (this isn’t even true – there were four of us in the group, and only two have gone on to have subsequent healthy pregnancies. I have had two additional losses, and the fourth woman is having trouble conceiving due to infertility.) Things just get worse for me, that’s what it seems like. I feel resentful but the reality is that her pregnancy has nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. I guess I just resent the way the universe has treated me the past two years. I wanted to start smashing things last night – grab plates and wine glasses and cups out of the cabinets and smash them against the cold tile kitchen floor. I wanted to break things. I didn’t, but I had an urge.
I’m probably being overly dramatic. I could blame it on hormones, since I’ve been having cramps off and on since Friday and I know what’s due any time now. I could blame it on Feb. 26th too. I don’t like feeling this way, feeling resentful at someone else’s good fortune. Then I think, well, this is why I haven’t been graced with my own happiness. I clearly don’t deserve it if this is how I react to other people’s good news. Shouldn’t I feel happy for her? Why am I not feeling happy for her? This isn’t the way I want to be. I’ve been trying hard to be just the opposite in face, but it all came apart at the seams yesterday. I don’t react this way to every pregnancy announcement, and in general I feel like I haven’t felt as angry and bitter. And then yesterday happens. Today’s another day to try and be better.
As for the rest of the week, I’m going to acupuncture Thursday night, and then I took a vacation day on Friday. I’m just not going to work on that terrible day. I booked myself a hot stone massage at one of my favorite spas. I haven’t had a hot stone massage in many years and I figured I would just treat myself. I’m sure I’ll find other things to do too… perhaps just lying in bed watching Seinfeld, perhaps going shopping, perhaps eating lots of bad food.