Too much trippin’ and my soul’s worn thin

I’ve been preparing for a “bad week” this week, what with the two year anniversary of my first loss. Even though you think you’re past it, and that it won’t be as bad as last year, the date just looms larger as it gets closer. I remember how happy and naive I was two years ago and I feel sad for myself. Sad for the old me, because her life would soon change drastically. Sad for the new me, because she’s sad and still hasn’t succeeded at having a living child.

And sure enough, it started Saturday night. I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby. It was really strange, and I’m sure I’m messing up the flow of the dream, but basically I was pregnant and in labor. I was at a hospital, but not one of the hospital’s I’ve been to in the past. First I was upstairs in a room, and then they wheeled me out. Then I ended up on the ground floor in a large room with rows of empty beds – no curtains around them, no individual rooms, just a large open room with beds. But as I was being wheeled around I could feel the baby “coming out” – and they told me to keep the baby in, and not to push, and I was panicking saying the baby couldn’t stay in that position and the baby was going to die. And then I was in a room and the nurse was holding a stillborn baby and I was saying “I told you I shouldn’t have kept the baby in!”

Isn’t that just awful? I don’t even know where my mind came up with that.

Then on Sunday I just felt off. That night I was feeling a lot of anxiety as I was trying to fall asleep. There was no one particular thought but it was just an overall sense of anxiety and feeling unsettled. I thought about getting out of bed and going to watch TV, or even writing a blog post, but I just laid in bed and eventually dozed off after tossing and turning.

Yesterday started out okay, and then at lunch I checked my email and one of the ladies from my support group had sent me an email saying she is pregnant. She lost her first pregnancy within weeks of my loss, a little girl diagnosed with anencephaly. She went on to have a healthy son last March, her due date was two weeks before my due date for Baby #2, and they are now again expecting a son. I am ashamed to admit that this set me off in a bad way and I did not react internally with much grace.

First, tears of frustration. Why not me? Two years ago she and I were in the same awful spot, and now she is on her way to having her second healthy child and I am still in a miserable place. Have I not suffered enough?  Why has she gone on to have healthy pregnancies (and so has another of the ladies from our group, she had a healthy son in November 2014), and yet not me? Instead I have had two more losses. WTF, universe?  Second, ignoring it. I still haven’t responded to her email. I could respond with a perfunctory “Congratulations” but really I am just annoyed in general and I don’t feel like responding. Maybe if I ignore it she will just forget about me. As George Costanza once said “I don’t want to be remembered… I want to be forgotten.” Of course, they were discussing having sex with a virgin so it doesn’t really translate to this situation…  Anyway, I know my situation isn’t her fault and that she has suffered a terrible loss with her first pregnancy. But she even admitted herself, when we last saw each other for a group get together last summer, that “It hurts less” now that she has a healthy, living child. So now everyone else gets to have things get better but not me (this isn’t even true – there were four of us in the group, and only two have gone on to have subsequent healthy pregnancies. I have had two additional losses, and the fourth woman is having trouble conceiving due to infertility.) Things just get worse for me, that’s what it seems like. I feel resentful but the reality is that her pregnancy has nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. I guess I just resent the way the universe has treated me the past two years. I wanted to start smashing things last night – grab plates and wine glasses and cups out of the cabinets and smash them against the cold tile kitchen floor. I wanted to break things. I didn’t, but I had an urge.

I’m probably being overly dramatic. I could blame it on hormones, since I’ve been having cramps off and on since Friday and I know what’s due any time now. I could blame it on Feb. 26th too. I don’t like feeling this way, feeling resentful at someone else’s good fortune. Then I think, well, this is why I haven’t been graced with my own happiness. I clearly don’t deserve it if this is how I react to other people’s good news. Shouldn’t I feel happy for her? Why am I not feeling happy for her? This isn’t the way I want to be. I’ve been trying hard to be just the opposite in face, but it all came apart at the seams yesterday. I don’t react this way to every pregnancy announcement, and in general I feel like I haven’t felt as angry and bitter. And then yesterday happens. Today’s another day to try and be better.

As for the rest of the week, I’m going to acupuncture Thursday night, and then I took a vacation day on Friday. I’m just not going to work on that terrible day. I booked myself a hot stone massage at one of my favorite spas. I haven’t had a hot stone massage in many years and I figured I would just treat myself. I’m sure I’ll find other things to do too… perhaps just lying in bed watching Seinfeld, perhaps going shopping, perhaps eating lots of bad food.

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23 Responses to Too much trippin’ and my soul’s worn thin

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Significant dates and anniversaries are hard enough without these announcements and the rest of the world seemingly getting exactly what they want. It’s not fair, it simply isn’t. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way, I challenge anyone in your shoes not to have days where they just want everyone and everything to go away, to shut up frankly. I feel it often – some people and their announcements seem to grate on my nerves more than others. I don’t know why it is, some people just feel a bit toxic to me these days with their announcements (Facebook is the worst) because so much of it feels smug, even if its not meant to be. People simply don’t know how lucky they are unless they have seen the other side of life that you have. Like you, I just want to break stuff sometimes and say “why me?”. But there is no answer, we are just the unlucky ones and that is what is so hard to accept. This lack of control, this randomness. I am sending you giant hug, I can’t take the pain away but hopefully I can let you know you aren’t alone xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nara says:

    Hey. That totally sucks. I completely understand why you’d feel that way. I sort of feel that way when my previously “infertile” friends seem to forget all about stuff and move on. I have a friend who had IVF to have their first child (worked first time, natch) and then conceived a second naturally (natch). I sort of hate them apart from the fact that I’m sure they experienced the pain of infertility. I think people just want to forget once they’re out of it. I don’t blame them… But I don’t really take it with grace, either. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am tearful alongside you.
    Remember dreams are dreams – they are not real.
    You are going to go on to have healthy children very soon. I know it.
    It is human nature to react the way you found yourself reacting to the news of your support group member’s pregnancy. I would have done the same.
    You are right though, has nothing to do with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jivf says:

    Tough week… what an understatement. I’m so sorry you’re feeling down.

    Not sure the correct response to the pregnant lady from support group. For starters, I think your reaction was completely normal. I don’t think you’re being overly dramatic at all. It’s so natural to want the things we want and envy people who get it first.

    I know for me it bothers me when people don’t tell me and then I see them on the street with their baby bump and have no time process in person. Beside that is that it’s frustrating not to have an action plan or be in the process of doing something. I never felt my age until someone told me I have to wait to start another cycle — “WHAT?? I might have a giant ticking clock on my ovaries, what are you even saying?!” No idea if it’s actually happening, just the perception.

    You’re doing all the right things and you should cut yourself some slack. Be kind to yourself first… then worry about being happy for someone else. Netflix, ice cream, fuzzy socks, coffee with a friend that makes you laugh – whatever it is, I hope you find comfort and some cheer on a difficult anniversary.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Justonemore says:

    I recently had a conversation with my therapist about what it feels like when your support group is able to move forward and you’re just stuck. You are allowed to feel all. of. it. I used to participate on a babycenter RPL board and I had to leave after three years when it hit me that the vast majority of women who started on that board with me moved on to have one or two healthy babies – in the exact time frame that I lost five. I think that there should be a support group for the last people standing in their support groups.
    As for the treain’ yo self, I am the guru on this now. I am an unrecognizable bourgie person who gets regular massages and has me-trips to my favorite stores, holding four dollar lattes. Do what you’ve got to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing your experience! Honestly, I don’t feel like the ladies from my group would even “get it” now – none of them have gone on to have a second or third loss. Even though we could relate on the first loss, I’m so far beyond that now and I don’t think they could relate to what it feels like now. Just as I can’t relate to having a child after a loss since I’m not there yet.

      Like

  6. Sending lots of love.
    Your dream sounds like you’re blaming yourself. Try not to. (I think everyone does, and I imagine repeated losses only make this worse. But I’m sure it was not something you did.)
    Also, it took me until SB was about a year old to be (almost) not bitter about other people easy conceptions and pregnancies. Hang in there, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry that this time of year is so hard for you. I hate these anniversaries for the sorrow and hurt they bring up.
    And, I’m also very sorry to hear that you had to deal with a pregnancy announcement from the lady in your support group. Honestly, I really think your response is justified and completely normal. I know I respond very similarly to pregnancy announcements, and I can only imagine the extra sting that came from this particular announcement.
    And, I want to answer your one question – ” Have I not suffered enough?” – yes, my friend you have! Have have suffered more then enough and more then you ever deserve. What you have endured is nothing short of cruel and horrible. I am still hopeful one day your turn will come and you will have your little one, but I realize that does nothing to help you today. I’m just so sorry for all that you have been through. Sending love your way

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jwhitworth7 says:

    I am so sorry! I know that visceral feeling that you described at hearing the pregnancy announcement. There were several times I too wanted to smash everything in site. I am so glad that you have some treats for yourself plan for the end of the week. You totally deserve them!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What shitty timing for a pregnancy announcement. And your dream sounds awful. I’m so sorry. I hope the hot stone massage helps a little bit. Of course you know how I deal with announcements. And I did leave a message unanswered for a long time. Every time I picked up my phone I burst into tears and only replied to her once I knew she would be asleep. Don’t reply until you’re ready and don’t feel bad if you never reply :).

    Liked by 1 person

  10. RJ says:

    These dates are so hard. I also wonder if the pain will get better if I ever have a living child of my own. Something to think about that we will hopefully know someday.

    Sounds like you are taking care of yourself as this sad day approaches. Please know you are in my thoughts and I’m sending my love.

    Like

  11. jmh1311 says:

    Sending strength xx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Tomorrow | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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