Hope Anchors the Soul {I Am Adrift}

A week and a half ago, while awaiting a response from M on the status of our genetic testing, E and I had been exchanging emails. At one point she said this:

“I did want to tell you that Dr. T recently had a patient that had a second loss with the same diagnosis as you. She has two healthy children. You never know when one piece of information can give you hope.”

I didn’t know what to think about that. I still don’t know what to think. I realize the point she was trying to get across but reading that didn’t really evoke any strong emotional reaction in me.

My response to that comment was:

As for the hope, I know this goes against the grain and I’m probably not “supposed” to say things like this, but I almost don’t want any hope. I would love for the results to come back saying that yes, there is something in our DNA and we can never have a biological child so that I can close the door on this and move on to adoption or donor material without always wondering “What if we had tried just one more time…” I’m not saying I would love the diagnosis, but I would love the finality. I know that we could move on now, and we don’t even need the results back to decide to move on, but I think having results like that would make it much easier to swallow and I wouldn’t always be wondering if I gave up too soon or if “Just one more try” would have done it. I’m not looking forward to having to make a decision if the tests come back and we don’t get an answer.

I feel like a weirdo saying I don’t want hope. Aren’t we all supposed to have hope? Isn’t that why we are here and why we keep going? I do hope to have a child one day. I do hope to have a family. I hope to raise a child, to love a child, to share my favorite things, to be a family. Help with homework. Go on vacations. Go to dance recitals or baseball games or debates or science fairs. Whatever it is. To learn new things about myself and The Husband, to push myself, to share experiences. Change diapers, clean messes, to see my patience be tested. To see my dog with a little human. I hope for all of that.

But as for my feelings toward hope, and I think I alluded to it in my WTF? post, maybe if I just accepted this situation as hopeless I could move on quicker instead of dragging this out. I’ve already lost three babies in three years of trying- shouldn’t that be enough to convince me it’s time to  pursue other options? Do I need to have these test results back in order to accept the situation for what it appears to be?

I keep going back and forth. Immediately after Baby 3’s diagnosis I was convinced it was time to move on to adoption. I reached out to other bloggers who had adopted or were in the process to get their feedback and advice. I reached out to my friend K, whose cousin adopted a son two years ago so she could ask them which local agency they used and what they thought. Then time wore on, and I decided to sit back, relax, and not make any decisions. And then I decided that we could do IVF with PGD if the genetic results revealed a cause. And then three weeks ago I decided again that we should adopt. Then last week, incredibly, I decided that we should just try naturally again because now, instead of taking regular old folate, I am taking methylfolate and that is going to help me (not sure why I decided that is the golden ticket) and I was just having a hard time believing we could experience a third NTD (not sure why I was suddenly feeling so invincible.)

So really I have been back and forth and all over the place, driving myself crazy with what I should or shouldn’t do. And that results in me not wanting to deal with it. The Husband and I haven’t really talked much about it – I think we had a silent agreement that we would just discuss everything once the test results came back. Of course we discussed the delay in testing, and he is frustrated by that too, but as for what to do next he kind of just defers to me or says “Let’s just wait and see.” Wait, wait, wait. I’m so sick of waiting. Every day I wait feels like a day closer to the day I go in to early menopause or my ovaries just shrivel and die. And, nobody could help a girl out by getting the genetic testing done in a timely fashion so that just makes it worse.


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24 Responses to Hope Anchors the Soul {I Am Adrift}

  1. RJ says:

    You have an uncanny ability to put into writing what I feel. I completely relate to the feeling of not wanting hope, as that means there is an actual reason for what’s been happening and then it gives a reason to STOP! I know we are completely capable of stopping on our own, but then you get the “what ifs”, and it just doesn’t ever feel final. Anyway, what a crappy place to be in and I wish I had some wise, supportive words. But all I can say is I totally get it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember being exactly where you are. Hoping and yet not hoping. Unsure of what decision to make, changing my mind almost daily. And then factor in Mr. MPB changing his mind all the time it felt like we were the most indecisive people in the world!
    When it came to making our decision, for us, the biggest factor in our decision was not having regrets. I have no real advice on how to get to a place of a decision, but I know for us, with time and patience we eventually did make a decision. And, when we both just knew adoption was our path, it just felt right. We were both finally on the same page and I will never forget the day we left the adoption agency and Mr. MPB said to me “for the first time in years I have hope that we might actually have a family.”
    (Please know I am by no means advocating adoption to you, just using our choice as an example, because it’s the one I know).

    Liked by 3 people

    • I DO feel indecisive! Although, I am usually always like that with minor things mostly related to eating – what to have for dinner, where to go out to eat, etc. So indecisive. This is such a big life decision, I don’t want to be indecisive. I keep thinking I should have a gut feeling but I haven’t felt one yet. I guess, like you said, I need to give myself time and patience.
      And, I totally understand you were not advocating for us to choose adoption or any other course, just sharing your experience – which I appreciate and am grateful to you for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. KT says:

    I completely understand where you are. While our situation was different (4 miscarriages with no explanation for 3 of them and all babies were genetically “normal”) I hated having to choose what to do next without feeling like I knew the answer. I felt like if someone could just tell me that we would eventually bring a healthy baby home or that there was no chance for us then I could make a decision but the uncertainty is awful. I can’t imagine having to deal with the decisions you have had to already make. In the end, we ended up trying again on our own (with the support of progesterone, metformin, baby aspirin, and a few other things) and we brought home a healthy baby from our 5th pregnancy in 2 years.

    I decided that for me, I would just keep trying until I couldn’t bear it anymore. It may sound weird but I felt like one day I would wake up and know I couldn’t do it again. We weren’t there yet so we kept trying. Only you know what path is right for you but getting there is so hard. Hoping you have your testing results back soon and that they will give you some clarity in such a difficult situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your experience and your kind words. I too feel like I just need someone to “tell” me – in fact I basically said as much to E in one of our exchanges! Of course, nobody can tell me what to do, but at least if I could be pointed in a direction … or something…. because I just don’t know!
      I do like that comment though, about trying until you can’t bear it anymore. I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind about that, and might just make a post out of it. It’s given me food for thought.


  4. I can relate so much to these feelings… Being ready to accept life of what it is, but no able to do it until all uncertainties are cleared. I really hope the genetic tests results can bring you what you need to choose how to move forward, however I’m not sure we can ever remove all uncertainties.
    I don’t know if what I’m writing is making sense at all, I just wanted to say, I understand this feeling, it’s so hard, I wish you find your way soon. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nara says:

    I get it. Hope is almost worse, I think. First time round I’d never ever been pregnant so I had no great hope. And then I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Now I feel like I have hope even though it’s probably just as unlikely to work! Tough to work through these things.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really understand and can relate to the wild oscillation between options and the fanciful invincibility. I’ve gone through similar whirling dervish routines myself. I also understand not wanting hope and just closure on this chapter. Three years and three losses as you’ve had is a long stint in hell, stripping you of any faith or will at times if not forever. I guess I’m trying to say I feel and hear you and am nodding my head. I wish the limbo would end at least. Damn those idiots for their careless delay.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I completely get it, it’s such a tough place to be. I’m so sorry you’re in this place at the moment but as our counsellor said things will resolve themselves as humans struggle to live with indecision for long – she was very right in our case. I also hoped to be told there was some reason for not medically trying again and was shocked and scared to be told it would ‘probably be ok’ – because that probably word is just massive when like us you’re facing potentially going trough the total heart break of neonatal loss. 15 months of indecision later and it’s my husband who has finally said he just can’t face trying again. After the initial feelings of devastation (while totally understanding his reasons) I do now feel more at peace that a decision has been made. We are now exploring adoption – another long process to go through but it feels good to be looking forwards and not stuck in limbo. Limbo is a very damaging place to be long term so we made a decision to save our relationship/family really. Sorry this is long – what I’m trying to say in a very long-winded way is once a decision is made, the what ifs have actually been very few and far between. I very much hope you get some answers soon and regardless of the outcome of those, you will reach a decision point when the time is right for you and it will bring some relief. There is no right or wrong, just a feeling about which future looks brightest I guess. Sending warm hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    • No need to apologize for a long comment – I appreciate you sharing some details on your story. Probably is definitely a huge gulf when dealing with medical questions and, although the intent may have been to reassure, nothing can reassure once you’ve already faced tragedy like this unless it is 100% definitive. Which, nobody can guarantee so I guess we all have to live with that small bit of doubt. But, you are right, limbo is very damaging and I’m trying to at least be calm while we wait for results – once the results come I don’t think we’ll be in limbo any longer and I think, with that piece of information, we will make a decision quickly.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Just wanted to throw in my two cents. Once my husband and I decided to go with adoption, I rarely thought back to “what if.” Of course, I was very lucky as the process was quick (May approval and October placement) and we were able to add a healthy little girl to our family within our budget. We even ultimately had hubby get a vasectomy because we had determined we were one and done and just didn’t want to deal with any surprises. But our experience is probably not common enough to even be good advice, I suppose — but there it is. Good luck with your decision-making.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing. That does seem like a quick placement – even if it doesn’t happen like that in all instances, I am sure there are some that happen that quickly so it is a possibility. So often you hear about the long wait to be matched and it might be a turn off to some, but it doesn’t necessarily happen like that 100% of the time so your story is a good reminder.


  9. I can completely relate to your struggle to hope. Sometimes I think it would be really nice if I could take permanent measures to never get pregnant again and just move forward with my life, either childless for a season or start working towards the adoption process. I actually have a really strong desire to adopt children, but I feel obligated to try to find answers for my recurrent miscarriages before I do so. I don’t really have a hope that a doctor will be able to help us conceive a healthy child, but I’m at least hoping to find an answer so that I can feel confident moving forward. It’s so stressful though – having to wait for answers and not knowing if the time you wait is going to be wasted or worth it. Anyways, I just wanted to send you my support and love. XOXO!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. you are not weird. you just want closure and you want things clear and not undecisive. It’s completely understandable.


  11. Hope can be both wonderful and the worst feeling in the world. Closure and finality seem like totally reasonable and rational things to want. Any news on your test results? I’m still so frustrated on your behalf.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I totally relate to your need to have a genetic answer before moving on. Although it’s not at all the same thing, I have felt very validated in getting a diagnosis. It’s a relief to know exactly what’s wrong, exactly what the problem is, so that one can relax and say, OK, this is the problem and now my task is to decide how I’m going to handle it. So many people need this validation, in the context of pregnancy loss, in order to take that deep breath and relax and say, OK, let’s start the adoption process. Because for one thing, the whole adoption process can be an ordeal, what with deciding on all the different options, registering with agencies, getting scrutinized under the microscope…so if you have that certainty of genetic testing, it gets rid of those lingering doubts that can drain even more of your energy. Sending hugs and blessings…Laura

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Laura! I want nothing more than to carry and give birth to a healthy, living child… but if there is some reason why I can’t do that than I want to know now instead of dragging it out! I think you hit the nail on the head with being validated by a diagnosis… it boggles my mind that thus far everything has come back “normal” yet I still don’t have a living child. I feel like I need to exhaust all my options with regarding to finding a diagnosis (if one exists) before I can give up on myself and my own genetics. Thank you for your compassion and kind words… 🙂


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