Am I asking WTF the Phil Dunphy way, as in Why The Face?
NO, I’m asking WTF the pissed off way, as in What The F*&^!
I have been trying not to whine and complain too much. I’ve been keeping my gratitude journal. I’ve been working through my pregnancy journal and posting those memories in a cathartic exercise to deal with the past. But today I just can’t.
I think I have been patient as it relates to the genetic testing and research study in which we decided to participate. This week I decided to email E (my genetic counselor) and M (the research coordinator at BCH) to see how it was going and to find out where they were in the process. Because, you know, we were quoted three to four months and we returned our saliva samples in October, and all the consent forms and releases have long been sent to them too. So, this month would bring us to three months and I was hoping for the best that, maybe, they were close to being done.
Well, apparently Tufts Medical Center doesn’t care that I signed release forms back in October or September or whenever it was that I signed those particular forms, because they have NOT YET sent the tissue samples from Baby #1 & Baby #2 to BCH. So, BCH has not yet begun analysis on any of my samples, The Husband’s samples or Baby #3’s samples because it is best to have all the DNA in hand before running any analysis. Apparently sending the samples all at once increases the chance of finding something. The “good news” is that Tufts has now agreed to release the samples, but “the paperwork has been very drawn out.” M hopes that the tissue samples will be sent within the next month. Also, apparently there is some genetics conference in March and she is going to be presenting our case at the conference (without names and identifying information) and is hoping to have some other experts weigh in.
First, I am mad at Tufts. I SIGNED THE FORMS MONTHS AGO. They are MY SAMPLES. If I want them to go to the research study then just fucking do it! Why the drawn out process? Be like Nike and Just. Do. It. Second, I am mad at myself. I know by now I have to be on top of things and be my own best advocate. I should have checked in on this months ago. If I had known this was happening I would have been on the phone with Tufts a long time ago and doing whatever I needed to do in order to get my samples sent. Phone calls. Emails. Letters. Going to the hospital. I would have been a damn squeaky wheel until I got my way.
So, what does this mean? Instead of (potentially) having answers this month or next month I’m looking at MAY OR JUNE. It takes three months to get the DNA data mapped and returned, then they need time to analyze it.
When I told The Husband, he asked – “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” all slow and drawn out.
Yep, I’m serious. Very frustrated and serious.
I might as well just try again without even knowing. I’ve already lived through three tragedies, what’s one more?
Trying again on our own. That’s what it will probably come down to, I can see it now. “Sorry, after nine months of waiting we don’t have any answers and weren’t able to find anything. Everything seems ‘normal.’ We’ll let you know if some new medical discovery comes about that provides an answer.” At that point IVF with PGD won’t be an option. Options will be: try again on your own, adopt, or use donor material. And if nobody can provide me an answer, and nobody can point to a cause and say – because of x you will never have biological children – well, if nobody can do that then adoption and donor material may be very bitter pills to swallow.