Have You Any Dreams You’d Like to Sell?

It occurred to me that since our first loss my memories seem sharper. I can very distinctly remember conversations I’ve had with people, thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve felt. Very specific and it only pertains to life since the first loss. It’s almost as if I’m hyper-vigilant of my feelings and emotions and it puts every situation in sharp focus. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can relax because basic conversations can be filled with emotional land mines. Not all the time, but sometimes. I don’t recall having this occur after my grandfather passed away, and that’s the only other significant loss I’ve experienced in my life. I was almost 19 at the time and a freshman in college. I don’t remember much of what happened immediately after he passed, or much of the wake and funeral services, and I’m glad for that. But I don’t think there is a line drawn as distinctly in the sand – marking “before” and “after” – when he passed. Not the way a line marks before and after February 24,2014. There is a line there and the before and after are very distinct in my mind.

I also feel like it’s harder for me to be around the people who knew me before – people who knew the old me. This me, New Me, is so different from Old Me, although we share the same basic core beliefs. If people are expecting the carefree, happy person that cruised through life they will be disappointed by New Me. So I don’t really let them know New Me. New Me is a hermit who doesn’t offer up any insights in to my life or emotional state. I am very good at smiling and laughing and self deprecation but not so good at opening up and talking about feelings. My mother tells me this, The Husband tells me this, and I know I inherited this from my father. I am his daughter in this way. I only give it up if asked directly and pointedly.

Lately I’ve been having dreams about tornadoes.  In one I was living in a trailer, with a basement, and we went down to the basement but the tornado swept up the trailer and the basement right out of the ground. In another I was in an RV and the tornado swept us up in the RV and I was swirling around in the twister, going round and round, aware that I was flying up in the sky and I was scared of debris hitting me. Not of crashing to the ground,  but of the debris in the twister impaling me or hitting me and knocking me out. I think my dog was with me but I’m not sure.

I think I need a dream catcher.

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17 Responses to Have You Any Dreams You’d Like to Sell?

  1. RJ says:

    It’s amazing how life can turn into before and after, with such a sharp divide. And we have no clue which events will stick with us and change us forever. I can completely identify with what you’re saying, as my sharp line is July 31, 2014. Nothing will ever be the same and I can never go back into that wonderful, blissful bubble. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s amazing you mention being memories being sharper since your first loss. This is precisely what happened to me after the car accident. I remember some doctor telling me as a teenager that this is a very common phenomena for people to experience after tragedy.
    Anyways, just saying that I totally get this. Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As I was reading this about memory after loss it was like a revelation to me! I started to really think about our first pregnancy loss and it rings true like u described. Half of these dates and things I remember I dont even want or try to, I just do. Thanks for sharing. And I hope those crazy dreams (sounds like the Wizard of Oz!) go away soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jwhitworth7 says:

    Hi. I just started following your blog after stumbling upon it from another blog. I wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your losses. It’s almost scary how much I related to this post. From the memories being more sharp and clear to how loss changes us. I will never be the same person I was before the loss of my son and I’ve accepted both the good and bad that comes along with that. Hoping that you have some peaceful dreams soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for stopping by and for your kind words. I’m sorry that you can relate to some of this – at times I forget how many people suffer pregnancy loss until I stumble across a new blog or get a new comment or email. It’s all too common I’m afraid and I’m sorry for the loss of your son.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. calcandide says:

    A friend of mine committed suicide when I was in high school, and I remember every detail about finding out about it, who told me, where I was, what the weather was like, etc. It’s been over 20 years, and I still remember like it was yesterday. Interestingly enough, I feel like my memory has gotten way worse since then, almost like my brain is trying to forget all those details but I’m forgetting everything else instead. And I’ve been having insane dreams lately too! I wonder if it’s an infertility thing…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel ‘hyper vigilant’ of my feelings too, but I think of it as a good thing. Like being more in touch with our real selves. The same about the changes. I too know I’ve changed so much, but I guess it’d be unrealistic to expect going through such significant experiences and not having them change or shape us in some way. It’s only natural we adapt to our lives, even when we think the change is not for the best. New experiences will come in the future and change you again, hopefully for the better. Hoping you get better dreams soon too. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What you wrote above rings so true with me. Since losing Q, my memories are much more vivid (as are all of those from that time period). Without intending to do so, memories from that time period (and subsequent events) will just pop into my mind (whether invited or not). As for changing, no one should expect you to be the same person. It’s impossible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess this is common which makes me feel better! My memories don’t necessarily pop in at random times, but when I do call on them they are vivid. Sometimes I would like to take a pill and just forget! xxx.

      Like

  8. Pingback: February Favorites: Part Deux | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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