It occurred to me that since our first loss my memories seem sharper. I can very distinctly remember conversations I’ve had with people, thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve felt. Very specific and it only pertains to life since the first loss. It’s almost as if I’m hyper-vigilant of my feelings and emotions and it puts every situation in sharp focus. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can relax because basic conversations can be filled with emotional land mines. Not all the time, but sometimes. I don’t recall having this occur after my grandfather passed away, and that’s the only other significant loss I’ve experienced in my life. I was almost 19 at the time and a freshman in college. I don’t remember much of what happened immediately after he passed, or much of the wake and funeral services, and I’m glad for that. But I don’t think there is a line drawn as distinctly in the sand – marking “before” and “after” – when he passed. Not the way a line marks before and after February 24,2014. There is a line there and the before and after are very distinct in my mind.
I also feel like it’s harder for me to be around the people who knew me before – people who knew the old me. This me, New Me, is so different from Old Me, although we share the same basic core beliefs. If people are expecting the carefree, happy person that cruised through life they will be disappointed by New Me. So I don’t really let them know New Me. New Me is a hermit who doesn’t offer up any insights in to my life or emotional state. I am very good at smiling and laughing and self deprecation but not so good at opening up and talking about feelings. My mother tells me this, The Husband tells me this, and I know I inherited this from my father. I am his daughter in this way. I only give it up if asked directly and pointedly.
Lately I’ve been having dreams about tornadoes. In one I was living in a trailer, with a basement, and we went down to the basement but the tornado swept up the trailer and the basement right out of the ground. In another I was in an RV and the tornado swept us up in the RV and I was swirling around in the twister, going round and round, aware that I was flying up in the sky and I was scared of debris hitting me. Not of crashing to the ground, but of the debris in the twister impaling me or hitting me and knocking me out. I think my dog was with me but I’m not sure.
I think I need a dream catcher.