Time is passing, and it feels like it is passing me by. It’s been just over two months since we submitted our saliva samples for the study at Boston Children’s Hospital. It’s been over three months since our third loss. Almost TWO YEARS (it will be two years in February) since our first loss. And here I am, still waiting… for answers, for hope, for anything. Everyone is moving on and I’m stuck here, still at the starting line for the third time. Just waiting for my turn.
And I’m waiting for all the Christmas and New Year’s pregnancy announcements. You know they are coming. Full disclosure, The Husband and I got engaged on Christmas Eve in 2006 and so I was one of the “Christmas Eve Engagement” people but that was before Facebook was a thing. Social media at the time was a group text. The Husband’s cousin is planning to propose to his girlfriend over the holidays, and I’m all like… GREAT…. they’ll probably start trying for a baby on their honeymoon and have a baby before we even get our genetic test results back. And have the first grandchild/great grandchild on The Husband’s side of the family even though The Husband is ten years older than his cousin and we’ve been married seven years… GREAT. At this point I should just consider it par for the course when everyone is successful at this whole baby making thing while we fail woefully, yet again.
Last week I was sitting in a meeting at work, and it wasn’t very relevant to my job itself and I really could have been more productive if I spent the hour doing my actual job instead of listening to other people complain about theirs… but I digress… so I was in this meeting and I was rather uninterested. I thought it would be a fun way to torture myself by making a list of everyone I know who has had a baby since my first loss in February 2014 or is currently pregnant. Y’know, because there aren’t enough situations that occur organically throughout the day that upset me, I had to actually seek something out in my boredom. The list includes work friends/acquaintances and “real life” friends/acquaintances.
Births since February 2014: 39 (14 at work)
People currently pregnant: 14 (4 at work)
I feel like these are ridiculously high numbers and the universe is mocking me. And I’m sure there are people I’m forgetting because I unfollowed them on Facebook or something and now they are completely off my radar. I know, I know – I’m at that age when people start and grow their families, and that’s what I want to do so it’s natural that others want to do that too. So maybe it isn’t that surprising, but it is surprising to ME because 39 healthy children have been born, and so far all I have are three sick babies that had zero chance. Why have I struck out when all around me it seems like it’s not an issue at all?!? When will I get my chance?!?
The reason I specifically called out the number at work is because, at least where I work, you can’t really avoid them. There are around 400 people who work in our offices, and it’s a big building but we work on a lot of cross functional teams and I’m always here and there and meeting with this person or that person so I travel around the building and see a lot of people. If you have “real life” friends you can just stop going to events where they are, decline invitations, unfollow them on Facebook, or otherwise avoid them if you feel the need to do so. At work I can’t avoid anyone. They walk by my office, they are in the cafeteria, in meetings, at work events. In fact (and this really upset me), one girl at work is included in both lists. Her son was born last year a week after my first baby’s due date. And last week I saw her at our company holiday party and she is noticeably pregnant. That just really upsets me, because that was the same plan I had. I wanted two babies, and my plan was to start trying for #2 on or around #1’s first birthday. Well, the joke’s on me because I’m still on the sidelines and this chick is living the life I envisioned for myself. Ugh. Not only that but she’s tall and skinny and when she came back after maternity leave last year she looked like she never even had a baby, bounced right back. Double ugh.