But your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do

Time is passing, and it feels like it is passing me by. It’s been just over two months since we submitted our saliva samples for the study at Boston Children’s Hospital. It’s been over three months since our third loss. Almost TWO YEARS (it will be two years in February) since our first loss. And here I am, still waiting… for answers, for hope, for anything. Everyone is moving on and I’m stuck here, still at the starting line for the third time. Just waiting for my turn.

And I’m waiting for all the Christmas and New Year’s pregnancy announcements. You know they are coming. Full disclosure, The Husband and I got engaged on Christmas Eve in 2006 and so I was one of the “Christmas Eve Engagement” people but that was before Facebook was a thing. Social media at the time was a group text. The Husband’s cousin is planning to propose to his girlfriend over the holidays, and I’m all like… GREAT…. they’ll probably start trying for a baby on their honeymoon and have a baby before we even get our genetic test results back. And have the first grandchild/great grandchild on The Husband’s side of the family even though The Husband is ten years older than his cousin and we’ve been married seven years… GREAT. At this point I should just consider it par for the course when everyone is successful at this whole baby making thing while we fail woefully, yet again.

Last week I was sitting in a meeting at work, and it wasn’t very relevant to my job itself and I really could have been more productive if I spent the hour doing my actual job instead of listening to other people complain about theirs… but I digress… so I was in this meeting and I was rather uninterested. I thought it would be a fun way to torture myself by making a list of everyone I know who has had a baby since my first loss in February 2014 or is currently pregnant. Y’know, because there aren’t enough situations that occur organically throughout the day that upset me, I had to actually seek something out in my boredom. The list includes work friends/acquaintances and “real life” friends/acquaintances.

Births since February 2014: 39 (14 at work)

People currently pregnant: 14 (4 at work)

I feel like these are ridiculously high numbers and the universe is mocking me. And I’m sure there are people I’m forgetting because I unfollowed them on Facebook or something and now they are completely off my radar. I know, I know – I’m at that age when people start and grow their families, and that’s what I want to do so it’s natural that others want to do that too. So maybe it isn’t that surprising, but it is surprising to ME because 39 healthy children have been born, and so far all I have are three sick babies that had zero chance. Why have I struck out when all around me it seems like it’s not an issue at all?!? When will I get my chance?!?

The reason I specifically called out the number at work is because, at least where I work, you can’t really avoid them. There are around 400 people who work in our offices, and it’s a big building but we work on a lot of cross functional teams and I’m always here and there and meeting with this person or that person so I travel around the building and see a lot of people. If you have “real life” friends you can just stop going to events where they are, decline invitations, unfollow them on Facebook, or otherwise avoid them if you feel the need to do so. At work I can’t avoid anyone. They walk by my office, they are in the cafeteria, in meetings, at work events. In fact (and this really upset me), one girl at work is included in both lists. Her son was born last year a week after my first baby’s due date. And last week I saw her at our company holiday party and she is noticeably pregnant. That just really upsets me, because that was the same plan I had. I wanted two babies, and my plan was to start trying for #2 on or around #1’s first birthday. Well, the joke’s on me because I’m still on the sidelines and this chick is living the life I envisioned for myself. Ugh. Not only that but she’s tall and skinny and when she came back after maternity leave last year she looked like she never even had a baby, bounced right back. Double ugh.

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27 Responses to But your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do

  1. Even Chelsea Clinton. Yes, the joke is on us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lyra211 says:

    I’m sorry. I remember this feeling so well, and it is The Worst. Actually, I still feel this way a lot of the time, even seven months pregnant, since I don’t really believe it’s going to work out yet (and even if it does, it’ll still be almost three years between when we started trying and when we actually hold a living baby in our arms). I had to sit next to a woman at breastfeeding class on Saturday who was stroking her bump and looking all smug and I wanted to kick her, until I realized that I was just as pregnant as she is, I’m just not as secure and glowing about it (and for all I know, she’s had bad pregnancy experiences in her past too!). Feeling like you’re standing still and time is passing you by while it keeps marching forward for everyone else is one of the worst thing about loss and infertility. I truly, truly hope that it’s your turn soon — nobody deserves a healthy baby more than you do.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I agree, the work thing is the hardest. Those bellies are in your face all day! I work at a company with like 97% women and there are so many pregnant people. I roll my eyes every time I pass one, even though right now I technically am one of them. But I still feel like an imposter and they seem like the real deal. I’m sure most of them have easy, blissful pregnancies and don’t have to worry about loss or immune issues or whatever else we all deal with on these blogs. I’m sorry there are so many of those Bs around you. I wish I could shield you from them!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nara says:

    Yup. I get it. I got married before all my friends (before Facebook was too much of a thing!) and the joke is definitely on me. I’m currently trying to get unmarried even though we split up ages ago and I have a new partner. It’s proving difficult. We should be 7 months pregnant now. Instead I get to hold everyone else’s baby. (Word to the wise: Stop shoving your babies at childless women.) I’m feeling all the bitterness! Sorry you are getting a similar bombardment. (Oh I just figured out today that the b**** at work who asked me if I was pregnant is pregnant. She only just got back from mat leave. I hate her.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha! I wish more people followed your word to the wise! No thank you, keep your babies please 🙂 I’m glad though that I’m not the only one feeling the bitterness. And how dare that B ask you if you are pregnant! She should mind her own p’s and q’s. Ugh.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. oh yuck, that’s just so bad 😦 hugs for you. It takes a lot of strength and energy to deal with this stuff, I’m sorry it is so unfair on multiple layers…. I hope you can get some answers about your losses and so sorry it’s all so crap for you right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry. You are right. Pregnancy and announcements are ALL around! I can’t wait until it’s YOUR turn!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. These announcements still f*ing annoy me and while struggling they would twist me in knots. I didn’t have to deal with fertile coworkers but I’m pretty sure it would’ve sent me over the edge. You are incredibly poised given you’ve lost 3 babies (and I am so incredibly sorry for your losses) and now in the slow and painful process of re-grouping and trying to move forward. It’s agonizing–I f*ing remember like it was yesterday–and I am so frustrated on your behalf! I’ll console you with this piece of knowledge-it’s a fact-the odds are ever in your favour, that you will eventually conceive and carry to term. Can’t say how much more bullsh*t you might have to endure, but odds are you WILL be on that list of yours ❤ XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I also did the same list! I even did it on an excel sheet :-/ I listed all my friends, so I included the non-preggo’s as well, and I indicated which ones are in a relationship and who isn’t. Just to give some perspective to it all, because it also felt for me (even still now) that babies just came popping out all of my friends! I came up with 35 friends who have one or two babies and 31 one who don’t have babies or are not in a relationship. So it made me see there are still a lot of people I know without babies. Maybe you should at another dull work meeting list the non pregnant friends up too?

    Pregnant people at work are indeed the worst. I’m now one of them and even when I don’t want to talk about it (because I know how it felt while ttc) people just keep asking questions or sometimes I caught myself talking about it constantly (I know, I’m terrible!!) I know what it feels like to see all those pregant collegues (wait till they start forming a herd while discussing breastfeeding within your ear-shot UGH) because it’s work and it’s supposed to be a safe environment where you should be able to just concentrate on work related stuff and not feeling down with personal stuff like bumbs and babytalk. Big hug!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I almost forgot: 9 of my friends suffered miscarriage. 9 that I know off (because I still think that there are a lot more miscarriages out there but people just don’t want to talk about it…
      I think 9 out of 35 is a pretty large number!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, 9 out of 35 does seem large! As for my friends on that list, I know of 3 who have suffered an early miscarriage, and 2 who have suffered a second trimester loss. So 5 out of 53. There are probably more – if you believe the statistics, but I don’t know for certain how many.

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    • Ha! Mine was on Excel too and I even color coded it by co-workers and non-co-workes. Excel is so useful sometimes 😉 Perhaps you are right and I should try making a list of non-pregnant and non-mother friends. I never thought to do that. Thanks for your kind words. xxx.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This really got to me… We’ve been trying for 3 years now, 2 years since our last loss and it just feels like I’m running in circles, because even though so much has happened I’m still at the same place as 3 years ago. Meanwhile my friends are having their second child. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’re struggling now, I really hope you get some answers from these tests that helps you move forward. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Airing a Grievance {Happy Festivus Georgie!} | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

  11. RJ says:

    The ones at work are the worst for me because, as you said, you can’t avoid them. The last of the pregnant nurses just went out on maternity leave last week (there were 5, ugh) and two of them are coming back next month. I feel you! I really hope you get some answers soon, for it may give some piece of mind (hopefully).

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Yes, yes, yes, to everything in this post… Sometimes I just want to yell at everyone to please stop reproducing. Just for a little while. Give me a head start for pete’s sake.

    Liked by 1 person

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