I’ve written in the past that one area I’m having trouble with, emotionally and mentally, is judging others. I’ve really tried to fight it, but it’s been hard and lately I’ve been emotionally spent and haven’t had the energy or will to fight it. Mind you, this is all a running commentary in my head – I hardly ever say these thoughts out loud, even to The Husband. But the fact that I even have these thoughts at all makes me feel guilty.
So, what I’ve been “judging” today is divorce. I have a cousin who has a four year old daughter and she and her husband are in the middle of a divorce. This is her second divorce. I’m really annoyed by this. My husband and I love each other and haven’t been able to have a child and start our family yet there are people out there having children and divorcing a few years later and it really bothers me. Why isn’t our love good enough?!?!? What makes these other people deserving when they just break up anyway?
Theoretically, logically, I have no problem with divorce. I have no strong religious or philosophical convictions against it. My parents are divorced and have been since I was 22. They are much happier now than they were before. Two of my aunts are divorced and remarried. One of my good friends is divorced and remarried. It isn’t ideal but it’s better than being in an unhappy marriage, if that’s what it comes to. Yet lately I feel so.aggravated. at people who have children and a year of two later call it quits.
Why even bother?!?! There are people out there in loving, committed relationships that can’t have children and these other people are out there having kids and splitting when the kids are so young. They clearly didn’t think these matters through yet they are being blessed with healthy children. All I’ve done is plan – to get my degree, get married, get my masters, start a successful career and then hopefully have a family – and my reward is grief and heartache. My cousin might as well have gotten a sperm donor.
The truth is this cousin is really very sweet. She’s one of my few family members who reached out to me after our first loss (she doesn’t know of the second or third) and said some very nice words. And that’s part of the reason I feel guilty at having these thoughts.
But yeah. Lately these types of stories have really annoyed me. Even the celebrities – Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Ben Affleck and Jen Garner, etc. etc. Hilary Duff. Too many to name. They annoy me too.
I know divorce isn’t easy and I’m sure that all other options were exhausted. I know divorce brings its own grief and heartache. I know all this in my mind. And I know it’s not up to me to judge, and it’s none of my business. I just feel like I have tried to do things “right” and my husband and I love each other, but it isn’t good enough.