Judging the D-Word

I’ve written in the past that one area I’m having trouble with, emotionally and mentally, is judging others. I’ve really tried to fight it, but it’s been hard and lately I’ve been emotionally spent and haven’t had the energy or will to fight it. Mind you, this is all a running commentary in my head – I hardly ever say these thoughts out loud, even to The Husband. But the fact that I even have these thoughts at all makes me feel guilty.

So, what I’ve been “judging” today is divorce. I have a cousin who has a four year old daughter and she and her husband are in the middle of a divorce. This is her second divorce. I’m really annoyed by this. My husband and I love each other and haven’t been able to have a child and start our family yet there are people out there having children and divorcing a few years later and it really bothers me. Why isn’t our love good enough?!?!? What makes these other people deserving when they just break up anyway?

Theoretically, logically, I have no problem with divorce. I have no strong religious or philosophical convictions against it. My parents are divorced and have been since I was 22. They are much happier now than they were before. Two of my aunts are divorced and remarried. One of my good friends is divorced and remarried. It isn’t ideal but it’s better than being in an unhappy marriage, if that’s what it comes to.  Yet lately I feel so.aggravated. at people who have children and a year of two later call it quits.

Why even bother?!?! There are people out there in loving, committed relationships that can’t have children and these other people are out there having kids and splitting when the kids are so young. They clearly didn’t think these matters through yet they are being blessed with healthy children. All I’ve done is plan – to get my degree, get married, get my masters, start a successful career and then hopefully have a family – and my reward is grief and heartache. My cousin might as well have gotten a sperm donor.

The truth is this cousin is really very sweet. She’s one of my few family members who reached out to me after our first loss (she doesn’t know of the second or third) and said some very nice words. And that’s part of the reason I feel guilty at having these thoughts.

But yeah. Lately these types of stories have really annoyed me. Even the celebrities – Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Ben Affleck and Jen Garner, etc. etc. Hilary Duff. Too many to name. They annoy me too.

I know divorce isn’t easy and I’m sure that all other options were exhausted. I know divorce brings its own grief and heartache. I know all this in my mind. And I know it’s not up to me to judge, and it’s none of my business. I just feel like I have tried to do things “right” and my husband and I love each other, but it isn’t good enough.

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16 Responses to Judging the D-Word

  1. I hear you!! Like you, we’ve done everything right to build a strong relationship and be able to provide for child(ren) and yet we cannot have them and are now sacrificing everything we built to be able to afford to adopt. It’s frustrating and really does make me resent others for things like divorce with young children in the picture or mothers who smoke while pregnant (I saw this the other day and it nearly sent me into a crazy rage).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for “hearing me.” I was worried that this post might offend someone, and it was truly not my intent – my intent was to try to work through some feelings I have that don’t jive with how I want to feel or the person I want to be. I try to keep the resentment at bay but at times it rears its ugly head, like last night. Thanks for getting it. xx.


  2. mamajo23 says:

    I so get this. It is hard not to see the unfairness of it. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I try not to be resentful because I know that everyone has their own story and has their own troubles. But it’s hard not to see someone who has what you want and appears to be “wasting” it…. Thank you for “getting it.” xxx.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mamajo23 says:

        I got so mad the other day because I saw a Mom yelling swear words at her four kids. She has so many gifts and I felt like she was ungrateful and ungracious. Just my outside judging I am sure. It is so hard when the universe feels unfair. Hope you are having a good day today. Xo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Mrs. SFLB says:

    i get it. i feel like we also did everything “right” yet here we are while my secretary’s 20 y.o. son is on baby #2 with girlfriend/baby mama. i don’t begrudge them their family but when do we get ours.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that’s another way to put it. I try not to compare my life to others but it’s hard not to when you’re stuck in grief and your whole life or mind seems to revolve around this one thing that you want but can’t have. xxx.


  4. Nara says:

    Well… I get the judging thing but equally I’m in the process of getting divorced and it’s not a decision I took lightly… A decision for which I’ve been heavily judged. We were together for almost a decade which is longer than most relationships of people I know including marriages!

    I know a lot of people judged me when I left and I’m reconciled with that. To me it was a decision around a chance for happiness and a chance to have children. I didn’t leave for a person – I left for the fact that I was not happy in that life and felt that there was a chance I could be happier, even if it meant being on my own. I knew we weren’t going to have children and I wanted that chance. It’s not that I didn’t love him, because I did. We were together a long time – most of my adult life.

    I totally get the judging thing though. I judge people who smoke with kids, ignore their kids… Have multiple kids by different fathers/mothers (I met someone last night who had EIGHT!). I know someone who whinges on FB that she doesn’t have enough money yet has three kids by two fathers and goes out clubbing. I don’t even go out clubbing and I don’t have a free house from the council. But I also know I don’t know the whole story. When you’re suffering (from infertility, illness etc) it’s easy to want to blame the “haves” when you’re a have not. Thing is, good stuff doesn’t just happen to deserving people and resenting folk for having the standard stuff (kids, health etc) is sort of pointless even though it’s natural. It’s like a one legged person hating everyone with two legs… You’d never wish the bad stuff on anyone… You don’t want everyone to be infertile; you just want a baby yourself.

    I guess all you can do if you’re being judged is to be at peace with your own life choices. I recognise that I hurt my ex (as he hurt me) and if we could have gotten through it painlessly then that would have been preferred. However do I regret leaving my marriage? No. I don’t think other people ever know what’s gone on in a marriage. I’ve learned more about myself and about relationships since leaving and I don’t regret it one bit… I know now that what I thought was contentedness was just existing and accepting being treated a certain way. Without bad mouthing or getting into tit for tat, which I’ve never wanted to do, I’ll never be able to justify it to the ex friends who judged me and defriended me for leaving. But I’m okay with that. I have my real friends and I have my new family and that is enough for me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hope you did not take any offense to this post, because my intent was to work through or speak to some ugly feelings I’m recognizing in myself. And my resentment is really just targeted to people who divorce while having young children – why put your children through that? Why have them in the first place if you’re unhappy in your marriage? I can’t imagine they just woke up one day and decided on a whim to divorce. Like you, I’m sure they didn’t take it lightly so why bring another life into that? That’s what I don’t understand and what bothers me. As I said, I have no problems in general with the concept of divorce and I would support someone going through a divorce if they were in a bad situation and it would not improve.
      I realize that the resentment is “pointless” and I don’t think I have ever wished anything “bad” or infertility on these people, or blamed my situation on them. I don’t blame my situation on anything but nature and realize that if it’s something in my DNA, then there’s nothing I can do about that and that’ just how I was “made.”. It just seems like a waste when people who have what I want – a family and children – seem to “waste” it by divorcing when it’s likely being in that position was a mistake for them to begin with. I’m sure people may feel the same about me – why “waste” your freedom of life without children by being sad and moping when you could be doing lots of other things? Unfortunately we can’t always control our grief and sometimes we may have irrational thoughts or feelings while working through it.


      • Nara says:

        Oh absolutely. Don’t worry, I didn’t take offence and I recognise that we have all sorts of feelings during this process. And also that many people judge divorce! I can completely relate to feeling hard done by and wondering why people who don’t seem to deserve kids are fertile. It’s a rough journey for all of us.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. babylossmama says:

    I so get the frustration of feeling like you did everything “right” while others do everything “wrong” and they get the happy ending. I tried to tell myself that they needed the happy because everything else in their life was a mess, while the rest of my life was good. But in some cases (e.g. child abuse) that logic doesn’t hold. Then it just feels massively unfair.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for understanding. I have never thought about what you said, “maybe they needed the happy…”, and I think I’ll try that thought approach next time I feel like this. I just usually get so caught up in my grief and resentment that I get a one track mind and can’t logically find a way out of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. calcandide says:

    Huh, I never thought about divorce like that. I certainly have enough resentment in my heart for everyone, especially when people either complain about their kids, or have a martyr complex about being a mother (if I see one more facebook post about how mothers are better/stronger/more loving/dealing with more than everyone else, I will scream). Maaybe it’s because I have no real family to get divorced (n0 cousins, aunts, or uncles) and most of my friends who are married got married later in life so are less likely to divorce.
    I constantly have feelings that I’ve sacrificed so much to have a family and now I have to do so much more than everyone else just for the slight possibility of ever having one. It really isn’t fair. It’s just not.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I never thought about divorce like this until I lost my babies. And I too can’t stand the martyr moms. Like, get over it. You’re right, it isn’t fair that we have to pay the thousands in dollars and go through the tests and feel the fear, stress, and anxiety like this BEFORE we even get our babies. At the rate I’m going my kid’s college tuition will be spent before he or she even exists.


  7. I understood those feelings when I was in the place that you are at now. As I have aged my thinking about this has changed but I have certainly known those feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s good to know that your feelings have changed on it- I know this is just a “season of life” and that I won’t always feel this way, but it doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the thick of it. I’m impatient and ready for my thoughts on this to evolve now!


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