If things were different, they’d be different

The past three days have been very long and exhausting and, although it isn’t related at all to my pregnancies or losses, I really need to get it all out. I’ve written in the past (here and here) about my brother and how he put himself in a bad situation this summer. Well, this week he went off the rails again with drinking and cocaine, and so badly that my family and I went to court today and asked for him to be involuntarily committed to a drug/alcohol rehab program. The court psychiatrist agreed with us and the judge granted our petition. Earlier this evening he was sent directly to rehab.

Talk about emotionally exhausting. It has been really stressful. Late last night we made the decision that we would go to court this morning to start the process. My mother and I arrived at the courthouse at 8:15am and didn’t leave until 5:30pm. My father and stepfather met us there after the judge issued the warrant and the cops picked him up and brought him to the courthouse. I didn’t sleep at all last night, my stomach was in knots. I spent a lot of time curled up on the couch staring out the big picture window in our living room. Talking to my grandfather, talking to my lost babies. Asking them to please help us when we went to court and to please help my brother through this. I hardly ever talk out loud to them. And I don’t pray, but I did both last night. I don’t know who I prayed to, I just ended up talking out loud about it and asking for help. Whose help? I don’t know.

My mother especially has been upset and she was listed as the official “Petitioner” although we all went to present a united front. I had to drive her there and she told me – I am much stronger with you around. I am one of those “details people” so had all the information she needed for her affidavit and was reminding her of things she forgot. I tried to be pragmatic and keep her focused on one thing at a time – right now we are filling out forms. Right now we are waiting to be heard. Right now we are waiting for him to be picked up. We couldn’t control or worry about more than one step at a time. She was worrying about things ten steps away – worrying about him being upset, worrying about him being away for the holidays, worrying about him getting feisty with the cops. Things we can’t control or worry about until we get through the task at hand.

I hope he has the strength to take this opportunity and make the most of it. To really be able to make the effort to better his life. Of the two of us I have been the more emotionally stable, more emotionally tough and strong willed. I know I am strong. I know I can get through things. I would gladly give up some of this strength if it would help him get through this and get better. I know there is only so much we can do, and this isn’t a cure all. I just hope he is able to put in the work and really commit. He didn’t cause a scene with the cops picked him up or in the courtroom. He seemed to accept it. He of course pleaded his case that he didn’t want to go, but when the decision was made that was it.

The facility where he was sent is only a few miles away from my house. We aren’t allowed to visit him at all or send care packages or anything like that. I just keep wondering what he is doing. It makes me sad to think he is there, alone. I know it was a necessary step, and one we had to take to try and help him since he would never voluntarily go for treatment. But I just keep having questions through my head… silly, frivolous questions that are unimportant… Will he get to see the Patriots game Sunday? Do they have TVs? How do we get him money for the canteen? Is he mad at us? What should I tell his friends when they ask where he is? I hope he doesn’t make bad friends in there who he hooks up with when he leaves. I mean, they all have substance abuse problems but I hope he doesn’t somehow find someone worse off than he is and leech on to him and pick up new bad habits. I hope the therapists can see through the charming front he can present when trying to get people on his side. I almost feel guilty being home right now, with my dog and cat and in my nice fluffy robe. I’m sure he isn’t comfortable at all, and he isn’t supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be fun. I know this was the right thing and one of the only options we had at the moment. I just wish it never came to this. I wish a lot of things were different.

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30 Responses to If things were different, they’d be different

  1. Im sorry, Ashleigh. I dont think I really have the right words. I am sure you wish so badly things were different, I get it because my brother is in a very similar situation. Its so shitty. Our lives parallel each other in some unfortunate ways. Ill be praying for you and your family, and I really think you all did the right thing ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I’m sorry to read this but will say a prayer for your brother. I was put into rehab by my partner and family. It was grueling and awful and exactly what I needed. He’s probably in detox now. If you’re allowed to go to family sessions I recommend you do. And I;m sure you know this but you need to take care of yourself too. Therapy, groups, whatever works for you. Sending you lots of serenity.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. I hope that, as terrible and awful as it may be, that this is what he needs too. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to live with addiction. We haven’t been invited to family sessions yet but will definitely go if the opportunity arises.


  3. I am so incredibly sorry you family is facing this situation right now. I firmly believe you are doing the best thing possible right now and I truly hope this urns his life around. Sending you love and wishing you copious amounts of strength right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Man. When it rains, right? I’m sorry you are all suffering. For what it’s worth I agree with Elizabeth’s encouragements to care for you too right now. You need to beware compassion fatigue too. You’ve been through so so much. Give that beautiful boxer and kitty as many cuddles as you need. I hope he seizes this opportunity you all have made possible for him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope he seizes it too. Not everyone has a chance to go to rehab, or a family that will do this when they need help. Too often the story ends up ending in a terrible manner and I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if his ended like that and we didn’t try everything we could. I appreciate your support, and yes, the cat and dog have been getting an inordinate amount of love and kisses lately. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. mamajo23 says:

    Such a tough struggle. We did the same thing for my older sister and she is now 3+ years sober and in business school. Hoping all the best for you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. RJ says:

    Sending you lots of love and support during this difficult time. Your family is doing their best to help your brother but that doesn’t make it any easier. Addiction is a terrible disease that affects not only the addict but all of the people around him/her. I think I may have told you that my sister also suffers from addiction (and some other mental health issues). Just make sure you are taking time for yourself to process these feelings and get some support. It’s s long and difficult road to recovery and you are all going to need the support. Best wishes and I’m so sorry you and your family are going though this. It’s awful.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t have any experience with this issue, but I can tell by your words how tough of a situation you + your family was in. I hope that writing this post was a little relieved, that you could just leave here on your space, breath and let go somewhat. I hope that you are taking some time out for yourself too, as the others has mentioned. Your in my thoughts and prayers! As with anything, fertility or not – one step at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nara says:

    I can relate, a bit. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that this is the time for recovery. X

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Been there says:

    We found out that our daughter was an opiate addict in July. We were mortified, terrified and heart broken. She went willingly to rehab and just made the 90 day sober mark. She goes to NA everyday.
    The family goes to NarAnon Family group. It has been a lifesaver for us. We have learned thast we cannot control her choice and that we can live our lives without torment. I strongly suggest searching for a group near you. If you can’t find a NarAnon, AlAnon follows the same principles. You do not have to wait for his discharge. It had made a huge difference to our family. Best wishes to your brother.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing your story and the tip. I will have to search to see if there are any groups that meet in our area. I am sorry that you had to experience this as well, and I hope that your daughter is able to continue successfully with her recovery. One day at a time.


  10. valleyally says:

    My thoughts are with you. This a tough experience to have to deal with. You guys did the right thing and hopefully one day soon he will express his gratitude to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is such a difficult situation, I’m so sorry… I’m hoping your brother will get through it and appreciate your effort. You’re a wonderful sister and daughter, be sure of that!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Krystal says:

    Praying for you, your family, and of course your brother. It sounds like you are doing so many things to help him, and I hope that he sees the love that you and your family have for him.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. That is a lot of deal with but so proud of your family for stepping in and getting him the help he needs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I am proud of my mother for doing this… it was very hard for her as he’s always been “her baby” but I’m glad she finally said “Enough is enough”… I can’t imagine what it must have felt like.


  14. Hugs! This is really hard. I’ll be praying that he is able to make some positive changes in his life and get the help he really needs.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Wow. What a tough, tough experience with so many emotions… on top of everything else going on in your life. I’m thinking of you and your family and your brother.

    Liked by 1 person

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