Touch of Grey

Am I infertile? I ask myself that sometimes. No, not in the sense that I can’t get pregnant – I can get pregnant on my own (well, without medical assistance – clearly I need The Husband to participate in these endeavors!) and have done so three times. Do I suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss? Well, I’ve lost three pregnancies and never carried full term, with the caveat that none of my losses were “natural.” All were medically orchestrated losses. I chose when and how to lose them. Could any of my babies have survived to full term? That’s up for debate and the consensus regarding my first pregnancy is no, that baby would not survive to full term. With the second and third? Perhaps… but neither would survive outside of the womb for very long. I feel like staying pregnant, keeping my babies alive inside of me, would have been similar to keeping them on life support. They were only alive because my body was doing the work for them and would not have survived without me.

But I digress…

So where do I fit? I am fertile in that The Husband and I are able to create pregnancies, but the pregnancies we’ve created are all abnormal and “incompatible with life.” And nobody can give us an explanation as to why or how to prevent it. I feel like I am in a murky, gray area. I can get pregnant! Yay! And my body doesn’t seem to have a problem carrying pregnancies! Yay! Fat lot of good that’s done for us.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. Oh sure, you might say there is nothing “wrong” with me and in general I am in good health. But something clearly isn’t right and I wish I knew what it was.

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27 Responses to Touch of Grey

  1. I can’t even imagine the frustration this has caused. And I can’t imagine the pain you’ve had to deal with having gone through everything. But I do know one thing, from one stranger to another – you are one hellava strong women. There’s no doubt about it. I’ve read back a few post’s and skimmed through more before that. I hope & pray that a clear path will find its way to you. I pray that get you get answers you’re seeking. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. mamajo23 says:

    What a painful and frustrating situation. It must be really hard to know what direction to go in. I imagine the doctors have suggested ivf with embryo chromosome testing? I am so sorry for your losses and for the fear I imagine it has brought. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your kind words. Our genetic counselor mentioned a referral to an RE to discuss options such as donor egg, donor embryo, donor sperm, etc. which I’ve declined for the moment. My second and third babies have been chromosomally “normal” according to the microarray analyses that were performed, and my husband and I have “normal” karotypes, so they don’t really think it is strictly chromosomal and that it is more at the granular DNA level. However, until they know exactly what the issue is they can’t do a specific DNA test on any of our embryos. Or something like that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My friend, you are not alone in these feelings. I too feel like an imposter in the infertility world because i/we are very fertile. The problem we have is different, our babies are not “compatable with life” (side note, that the worst term ever and I despise it even though all doctors use it). Finding out what the problem was, the reason, was some thing my husband and I needed in order to stop trying, but finding out that my body was 100% of the problem really didn’t help change our fertility situation, except it added in a whole new layer of self-blame and guilt. But, I did need to know because with knowing I’ve been able to move onto adoption without wondering what if we just tried one more time. Anyways, I guess what I really want to say is that I understand in my own way what you are going through right now and I just want to let you know that you aren’t alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • RJ says:

      I also suffer from the self blame and guilt. It sucks and I try so hard to give myself a break. I’m so sad to know other women go through these feelings too. Totally not fair but it makes us completely human.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I definitely feel like I want and need a reason, although no reason will ever be sufficient or make me feel better. But at least it might provide some form of closure and understanding. Although I know that ultimately it might come down to medicine and science hasn’t caught up with whatever is causing this yet. Thank you as always for your support. I’m glad there are others who understand where I’m coming from.

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  4. RJ says:

    I completely relate to these feelings as well. I internally struggle with what you’ve posted about on a daily basis. I can also get pregnant…yay…but I have never seen a heartbeat so where does that leave me in the infertility world? I certainly feel infertile except that I can get pregnant. I’m gearing up to post about my work up but by and large it’s normal (I’m a terrible blogger when it comes to writing my own posts). These are awful feelings and please know that you’re not alone (as MPB has stated above).

    Liked by 1 person

  5. snowdroplets says:

    I often think the infertility world just doesn’t have the right words and terminology for all the ranges of experiences we face. Infertility can range from couples who can never get pregnant under any circumstances to people with multiple children who had difficulties. I’ve never been pregnant, but I understand some of these feelings. It can be hard to know where we fit. Sending you support!

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re right, there aren’t categories or words for all of the experiences. Maybe 20 years from now they will have a name for it and a way to test or cure it, but right now they might not. It’s hard waiting for science to catch up to us. Thank you for your understanding. xxx.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel heartbroken for you and the situations that you have been put in with infertility. It just plain sucks. The word infertility is very frustrating because people usually associate that word with people who can’t get pregnant and not those of us who can get pregnant with no problem, but can’t keep the pregnancies for varying reasons. Sending lots of love your way. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words and support. It is much appreciated. You’re right, we don’t all fit into one box and what works for one situation won’t work for all, but a lot of people think IVF is a cure all. I’ve had a few people ask why I don’t “just do IVF” – as if it is so easy!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry for you, it’s such a heartbreaking thing for you to experience… there are so many different facets to infertility that we can drive ourselves mad trying to figure out which category we fit into. That you have struggled and are struggling to have a healthy baby should be reason enough for to be compassionate and supportive of your situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. There are no words for this feeling, I know it well.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I totally understand the feeling of not belonging to any category. I could get pregnant fairly easily, especially considering I only have one tube, and before this last loss I wasn’t considered a ‘recurrent miscarrier’ because my first loss was ectopic, so doctors say ‘it doesn’t count’. Well, it hurts the same, only difference is doctors were not willing to look for a cause or try any treatments. Technically, I was fine, healthy and fertile, even though I went through 3 losses in 13 months. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this and science is not more advance and can’t help all of us figure out our problems. But know you have support and compassion, no matter which category we belong (or not).

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sending you hugs. I think this is why I did my ‘I don’t belong” post, because I know we can all relate.

    PS Start declaring LIFE, fruitfulness, and fertiliness! Have you read God’s plan for pregnancy? I highly recommend it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in these feelings. I do remember that post of yours, it’s one that’s really resonated with me. I’m finding more and more that even though our stories are all different the feelings that infertility and pregnancy loss evoke in us are all very similar. I’m glad I found this online community to help with coping and expressing myself. 🙂

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  11. I have never experienced your pain and I cannot imagine how devastating it must be.I am sorry for your loses. I was not able to get pregnant, did IVF 24 years ago and have a daughter to show for it. Also adopted three times. It is difficult when you want something that most people celebrate so easily. I wish you all the luck in the world as you find your way towards parenthood.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. “At least you can get pregnant” is one of the most unhelpful and offensive comments out there. I am technically infertile and those words even irritate me – WTF? How is that helpful if you can’t stay pregnant or you suffer from a loss?

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