Am I infertile? I ask myself that sometimes. No, not in the sense that I can’t get pregnant – I can get pregnant on my own (well, without medical assistance – clearly I need The Husband to participate in these endeavors!) and have done so three times. Do I suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss? Well, I’ve lost three pregnancies and never carried full term, with the caveat that none of my losses were “natural.” All were medically orchestrated losses. I chose when and how to lose them. Could any of my babies have survived to full term? That’s up for debate and the consensus regarding my first pregnancy is no, that baby would not survive to full term. With the second and third? Perhaps… but neither would survive outside of the womb for very long. I feel like staying pregnant, keeping my babies alive inside of me, would have been similar to keeping them on life support. They were only alive because my body was doing the work for them and would not have survived without me.
But I digress…
So where do I fit? I am fertile in that The Husband and I are able to create pregnancies, but the pregnancies we’ve created are all abnormal and “incompatible with life.” And nobody can give us an explanation as to why or how to prevent it. I feel like I am in a murky, gray area. I can get pregnant! Yay! And my body doesn’t seem to have a problem carrying pregnancies! Yay! Fat lot of good that’s done for us.
I just want to know what is wrong with me. Oh sure, you might say there is nothing “wrong” with me and in general I am in good health. But something clearly isn’t right and I wish I knew what it was.