I wish I had something good news to share. I want to be that person who suffers terrible losses but eventually has a rainbow story. Who can provide hope to others out there who are suffering their own losses. I wish I could do that but… I can’t. At least not today.
We had our appointment today with MFM and the ultrasound showed the baby’s skull did not fully develop. This pregnancy is not viable. To say I am in disbelief is an understatement. I think everyone was, from Dr. T to the ultrasound technician (who, by the way, is one of the best techs I’ve had.) I think I laid on the table for five minutes staring at the ceiling while everyone talked around me. I remember when E walked in Dr. T said “I think she’s in shock right now.” Eventually I snapped out of it.
Despite the extra folate, trying to live “cleaner” with natural products, taking non-synthetic vitamins, etc. it happened again. A NTD. Dr. T and E both said they have never seen this before – never seen three pregnancies right in a row with abnormalities, with two NTD like this. Dr. T assured me that, even with taking extra folate, there is always a recurrence risk and that this wasn’t my fault and I did nothing wrong. I know all that. Everyone was so nice and kind and compassionate. I don’t think I could ask for kinder professionals to care for me. Even the ultrasound tech walked over as we left the room to go to E’s office and she had tears in her eyes. She gave me a hug and kept saying how sorry she was and she wished we didn’t have to go through this, again, for a third time. I didn’t cry until she hugged me. I was almost numb at first until she came over and I saw her tears. Then I saw E’s tears.
We had a long talk with E after the ultrasound and she was as wonderful as she always is. We talked about if there were additional tests we could do, and our options for assistance if we decide that we can’t keep trying like this on our own. She encouraged us not to make any rash decisions in the heat of the moment. I think she is as anxious as we are for an answer. Unfortunately that may never happen – as Dr. T said when we were talking with her, medicine and science hasn’t entirely caught up with the human condition. One of us may have an unknown genetic anomaly for which no tests or information exists and may not exist for another 20 or 50 years. As far as we’ve come, we don’t know everything. We don’t know what we don’t know. But it seems like they are going to help us look under every rock and at all the available options for testing. Even if the answer is we may never have a genetically healthy child naturally at least we’ll know.
I’m still in disbelief, but to be honest I don’t feel as bad as I did when this happened with our second pregnancy. I feel more composed then I did immediately after we got the news last year. But I keep wondering when I’m going to have my Jerry Maguire-esque breakdown. I feel composed right now, but I don’t know how and I don’t know if it will last.
I also feel like Carrie Bradshaw. You know, in that scene from SATC after Mr. Big announces he’s going to Paris for six months and she’s in the coffee shop with the girls and she’s slamming her hands on the table screaming “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING, AGAIN!”