La Douleur Exquise

I wish I had something good news to share. I want to be that person who suffers terrible losses but eventually has a rainbow story. Who can provide hope to others out there who are suffering their own losses. I wish I could do that but… I can’t. At least not today.

We had our appointment today with MFM and the ultrasound showed the baby’s skull did not fully develop. This pregnancy is not viable. To say I am in disbelief is an understatement. I think everyone was, from Dr. T to the ultrasound technician (who, by the way, is one of the best techs I’ve had.) I think I laid on the table for five minutes staring at the ceiling while everyone talked around me. I remember when E walked in Dr. T said “I think she’s in shock right now.” Eventually I snapped out of it.

Despite the extra folate, trying to live “cleaner” with natural products, taking non-synthetic vitamins, etc. it happened again. A NTD. Dr. T and E both said they have never seen this before – never seen three pregnancies right in a row with abnormalities, with two NTD like this. Dr. T assured me that, even with taking extra folate, there is always a recurrence risk and that this wasn’t my fault and I did nothing wrong. I know all that. Everyone was so nice and kind and compassionate. I don’t think I could ask for kinder professionals to care for me. Even the ultrasound tech walked over as we left the room to go to E’s office and she had tears in her eyes. She gave me a hug and kept saying how sorry she was and she wished we didn’t have to go through this, again, for a third time. I didn’t cry until she hugged me. I was almost numb at first until she came over and I saw her tears. Then I saw E’s tears.

We had a long talk with E after the ultrasound and she was as wonderful as she always is. We talked about if there were additional tests we could do, and our options for assistance if we decide that we can’t keep trying like this on our own. She encouraged us not to make any rash decisions in the heat of the moment. I think she is as anxious as we are for an answer. Unfortunately that may never happen – as Dr. T said when we were talking with her, medicine and science hasn’t entirely caught up with the human condition. One of us may have an unknown genetic anomaly for which no tests or information exists and may not exist for another 20 or 50 years. As far as we’ve come, we don’t know everything. We don’t know what we don’t know. But it seems like they are going to help us look under every rock and at all the available options for testing. Even if the answer is we may never have a genetically healthy child naturally at least we’ll know.

I’m still in disbelief, but to be honest I don’t feel as bad as I did when this happened with our second pregnancy. I feel more composed then I did immediately after we got the news last year. But I keep wondering when I’m going to have my Jerry Maguire-esque breakdown. I feel composed right now, but I don’t know how and I don’t know if it will last.

I also feel like Carrie Bradshaw. You know, in that scene from SATC after Mr. Big announces he’s going to Paris for six months and she’s in the coffee shop with the girls and she’s slamming her hands on the table screaming “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING, AGAIN!”

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66 Responses to La Douleur Exquise

  1. Oh, Ashleigh, I dont even know what to say. I am terribly sorry and heartbroken for you. I wish I could give you a hug & have the right words, but I know there are none. Please know I am here for you, even just to listen. You are such an amazing woman and will be in my thoughts and prayers 🙏🏽❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have tears in my eyes as I read this. I am just so unbelievably sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mamaetmaman says:

    I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you again. I am thinking of you.

    Like

  4. mamaetmaman says:

    Any chance you and your partner have been karyotyped or seen by a geneticist?

    Like

  5. Sondra says:

    I’m so sorry.. There are no words and my heart just breaks for you and your husband. I don’t know why this is happening, but I do know you don’t deserve any of this. Hugs, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My heart just broke for you. I am so sorry. This is so fucking unfair.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My heart goes out to you ❤ ❤ ❤ XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh my God. I am crying and I feel absolutely sick for you. I cannot believe this. I cannot fucking believe this. I am so incredibly sorry. Sorry doesn’t even really begin to cut it. Why is life so cruel sometimes? I wish I could wave a magic wand and this would all be a dream. How can the universe ask one person to suffer so much?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am so sorry. This isn’t Mr. Big leaving. This is Miranda’s mother dying. It’s just not fair. I am so so very sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss–I wish there was something I could say to help you. Last night I went outside and smashed some walnuts with a hockey stick…it made the hurt feel the tiniest bit better. I’ll go smash some around in your honor. Internet hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh god no. I am so broken hearted and also in disbelief. You may not want to try again but I hope you don’t mind that I’m going to ask my reproductive immunologist if he is aware of anything that could cause this from his realm of experience and practice. Can I email you if he has anything helpful to offer?

    Liked by 2 people

  12. RJ says:

    This brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you and your partner have to go through this again. It’s just so unfair. I wish there was something, anything that I could say to ease the pain but I know that nothing can help right now. I’m so so sorry and I’m here to support you in any way I can. Sending you lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh no. I’m so terribly sorry this is happening. Again. This is so unfair.
    Sending huge hugs. I’m glad you have all these wonderful professionals, but I’d so much rather see them help you through a successful pregnancy. Someday. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m so sorry for you. This is terrible news and shouldn’t be happening to a good person. The world is an unfair place.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. lyra211 says:

    Oh my god, no. I don’t even know what to say other than that I am so incredibly sorry, and I have tears in my eyes for you as I’m typing this. It’s beyond horrific. I wish there were something I could do for you right now to make this any better or your life any easier. Sending huge, teary hugs and lots of love your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. calcandide says:

    I’m so sorry. I couldn’t believe it when I read it, it’s just not fair. I was so hoping for a good outcome for you after everything you’ve been through. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Mrs. SFLB says:

    i’m so so sorry. there really are no words.

    Like

  18. I’m so so sorry about this. I don’t know what to say. It’s been my biggest fear throughout this pregnancy and I feel your pain acutely. Again, I’m just so sorry

    Like

  19. oh my goodness – I am so so so sorry. I hate this so much. My heart hurts for you. This is definitely not your fault. here for you friend…

    Liked by 1 person

  20. My heart breaks for you and your husband. There are no words that will make you feel better, that we know. I’m here for you. ❤ Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. babylossmama says:

    I’m so, so sorry. This SUCKS. It is so horribly unfair.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. ChickinNH says:

    There are no words. I am so so sorry. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Nara says:

    I am just catching up. I am SO SORRY this **** has happened to you. Life is so unfair! I don’t know what to say apart from: big bloody hugs to you. This sucks and… It just sucks. Sending you love x

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I am so sorry to hear this news – my thoughts are with you xx

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Krystal says:

    I must have read this three times in disbelief. I am so sorry. I know I won’t ever have the right words to make you feel better about it, although I wish I did have magic words. I am always here if you need to talk. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. No, no, no. I’m obviously a few days behind but I am reading this and cannot believe this is happening to you again. I don’t know what to say but know that we are all here reading and crying with you and thinking of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am just in a total state of disbelief and sadness for you.

    I was reading through the comments and if you end up on blood thinners, I’m happy to share my experience with them (they are not really so bad and enabled me to have a successful pregnancy).

    Liked by 1 person

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