Three ***

***Trigger Alert/Warning: Pregnancy Discussed***

Last month was the month of my longest cycle. 46 days to be exact; ovulation on day 34. So imagine my surprise when this month I ovulated on day 15, which was a few days after I got home from my short beach vacation. I had been drinking, eating bad, and not temping or using an OPK. I was certainly not expecting to ovulate so early in my cycle after what transpired the previous month. The Husband and I were even having spontaneous sex! Imagine that!

Last weekend I visited a friend in Plymouth at a beach house she was renting and while we were floating on “Party Island” (a huge raft with seats and upholders that fits 6 people and was anchored) I started feeling a little sick as we rode out the wake from passing boats. Now, I LOVE the ocean and floating and boating have good sea legs and never really feel sick on the water. But I was feeling uncomfortable and just shook it off – I knew I ovulated already but thought it would be too soon to feel anything *if* I was pregnant.

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Plymouth shoreline

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Plymouth shoreline

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Look who we found wandering in shallow waters

On Thursday I had an acupuncture appointment with J, and to be safe I took a Wondfo pregnancy tests I saw the faintest, faintest line. So faint I thought it was just an evaporation line, but it nagged at me – I’ve used those tests before and every time it was negative it was stark white. Nothing that remotely appeared to be an evaporation line.

The next day there it was again – but darker. Same with Saturday and same today. And by then I was feeling distinct symptoms. No morning sickness, but twinges and sensitivity. I don’t care how bad the symptoms get, I just want my baby here in late March (estimated due date according to the interwebs – March 29th.) The timing of all of this is exactly two weeks behind the timing of Baby #2 last year. Baby #2 was due March 15th of this year.

So I knew on Friday that I was pregnant. The first person I told was The Dog. I hugged her and talked to her and she just looked at me with her big, soulful brown eyes and looked so strong with her head held high. I didn’t tell The Husband until this morning. I don’t know if that makes me a bad wife or not, but I wanted a few days to myself with the news to really sort of process it and digest it. I wanted to get past the immediate feelings, whatever they may be, and feel all the things I would feel without having his feelings and thoughts invade mine or distract me. Obviously we have been trying and want a child, and as happy as I am to have succeeded at getting pregnant now comes the difficult stuff. Now comes the ultrasounds (I feel like I have never received good news at an ultrasound.) The waiting between appointments, the wondering, the anxiety. I have already had two babies with abnormalities and I just hope that this is not the third. I know that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby in nine months for any variety of reasons. I know that hearing a heart beat doesn’t mean the baby is okay. I know that getting past the first trimester does not mean it is smooth sailing for the rest of the pregnancy and you can let your guard down. I’ve lived 2nd trimester loss twice now.

How could you not trust this face with a secret?

How could you not trust this face with a secret?

I am trying to remind myself of all the good things – we know we have normal karotypes, we know that we are not carriers for the same recessive kidney disorders, I have been taking extra folate, non-synthetic vitamins, Co-Q10, using more natural and less chemical products throughout our house. I keep repeating that list in my head when I start feeling a little anxious.

For the most part the anxiety has been minimal. I’ve felt a strange combination of wanting to jump for joy, be excited, cry with happiness and then also feel paralyzed with fear and wanting to drop to my knees and cry because I’m scared/nervous. All of those dueling feelings have been canceling each other out and it’s left me pretty calm. The Husband was happy and cautiously optimistic. He is always more optimistic than me anyway; I am an admitted pessimist. I was also distracted yesterday by more problems with my brother. He had been making progress with his counselor, and then yesterday had another episode. Probably a post for another day. Today we went out on the boat with my mother and stepfather and nothing makes me feel more relaxed or free or calm than the salt air and riding the waves.

Mt. Hope Bay

Mt. Hope Bay

I actually have an appointment with Dr. F (my OB/GYN) for my yearly physical next week. I was also planning on talking to her about my abnormally long cycle and frustration at not getting pregnant. But now seeing as I’m pregnant I might call and see about pushing it out a few weeks to have it more in line with the timing for my first prenatal appointment – can I even have an annual physical if I’m pregnant? I also need to see about the timing for my first appointment with Dr. T (the maternal fetal specialist.) When I met with her for a “pre-conception appointment” in December she said she would be performing all of my ultrasounds and any testing (non-invasive or otherwise.) So when then should I see Dr. F? I don’t know. I know I don’t need to worry about these things for the immediate future and these aren’t calls I need to make tomorrow or even this week.

So there it is. I guess if someone asked me “What’s new?” I’d have something to say. But I am not telling anyone right now – not family or friends. I debated whether or not to mention it right now the blog, but I want to get this all out. Since I’m not telling any “real life” friends or family right now, besides the limited few who read this (since I do try to keep it “anonymous”), my little corner of the internet is where it will go.

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51 Responses to Three ***

  1. Sondra says:

    Thinking of you!! ❤ Sending so much love and support.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congrats, girl! I’ll be with you every step of the way! Oh, and it’s ok to get your annual exam while pregnant. I had full Pap smear at five weeks with my daughter and all was well. Xoxo.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mamaetmaman says:

    This is wonderful. I love how you shared the special news with your sweet pooch. I’ll be thinking of you and sending good vibes for everything to go smoothly.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Elizabeth says:

    So very happy to read this update. Sending much good energy from NYC. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Great news!! I am so happy for you. Praying for all good things to come my friend ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. RJ says:

    Yay!!!! I am so happy to hear this news. I will be sending you lots of positive thoughts and well wishes. Thank you for sharing…I know it’s so scary to do, even in the virtual world. It’s great you’re doing things on your terms 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Congratulations! This is so wonderful!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Congratulations!! I love that you first told your dog 🙂 Of course you’re worried after all you’ve been through. One day at a time. Hopefully about 280 of them until you get to hold a healthy baby in your arms. Sending many hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. gsmwc02 says:

    Congrats and best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

  10. lyra211 says:

    Yes!!! Congratulations! This is really good news, and I so hope that everything goes well! Wishing you the best — and just the right amount of nausea. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Congrats lady! I had 2 early losses & I’m holding my 3rd baby now (born in March, no less!) I was taking good vitamins & Ubiquinol (pure CoQ10) and living healthy, and I do feel it made a difference, so stay hopeful! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Krystal says:

    Congratulations! Wonderful news. I am excited for you as well. I do know the conflicting feelings that come with being pregnant after loss… it is overwhelming and scary at times, but also can be so happy and rewarding. I wish you the best in this journey and I pray that you get to take home a healthy, happy baby 🙂 Let me know if you ever need to talk during the difficult moments (although, I hope that you do not have any!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Krystal! I know you, unfortunately, understand where my feelings of fear come from. But you and your beautiful daughter provide so much inspiration. Your support and kindness is very much appreciated. xxx.

      Like

  13. calcandide says:

    Congratulations!!! I’m so happy for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Wonderful news!!! I’m rooting for you and just know that things can be different… keep us posted!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Nara says:

    Yay! Super happy for you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh Wonderful news!! Congratulations!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. myhopejar says:

    I’m so happy I chose today to finally jump on WordPress and check in! I’m so happy for you hon. I completely understand the mix of emotions you’re experiencing right now. What really helped for me, was to keep saying over and over again. New pregnancy. New egg. New sperm. New chance. New hope. Praying for you girl. I really, really hope this is it hon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so very happy to hear from you and glad you checked in! Thank you for your advice and kind words. Your support means so much. I think of you, Arun and Archer often and hope you are all doing well. xxx.

      Like

  18. Congrats on your news. And may God be with you through this one. May this be a healthy baby.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Congratulations!!! I hope that this time it all works out because you have been through enough!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Oh my goodness, I haven’t been over to your blog for so long because I had the wrong link and finally figured it out when I clicked on your comment from my site. I’m so excited to read this update from you and I’m praying and hoping that you and baby will have a healthy and peaceful 9 months. XOXO, Love and hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. rachela28 says:

    Congrats! I am right in that same situation with you, except my first two losses were 8/9 weeks along. I am now 7w2d along so I am pretty cautious right now. Praying for you and sending positive thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I am so excited for you! Please keep us posted.. Let’s try to be optimistic about it!! ❤ I don't think it will ever be smooth sailing or worry-free for us. Take one day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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