***Trigger Alert/Warning: Pregnancy Discussed***
Last month was the month of my longest cycle. 46 days to be exact; ovulation on day 34. So imagine my surprise when this month I ovulated on day 15, which was a few days after I got home from my short beach vacation. I had been drinking, eating bad, and not temping or using an OPK. I was certainly not expecting to ovulate so early in my cycle after what transpired the previous month. The Husband and I were even having spontaneous sex! Imagine that!
Last weekend I visited a friend in Plymouth at a beach house she was renting and while we were floating on “Party Island” (a huge raft with seats and upholders that fits 6 people and was anchored) I started feeling a little sick as we rode out the wake from passing boats. Now, I LOVE the ocean and floating and boating have good sea legs and never really feel sick on the water. But I was feeling uncomfortable and just shook it off – I knew I ovulated already but thought it would be too soon to feel anything *if* I was pregnant.
On Thursday I had an acupuncture appointment with J, and to be safe I took a Wondfo pregnancy tests I saw the faintest, faintest line. So faint I thought it was just an evaporation line, but it nagged at me – I’ve used those tests before and every time it was negative it was stark white. Nothing that remotely appeared to be an evaporation line.
The next day there it was again – but darker. Same with Saturday and same today. And by then I was feeling distinct symptoms. No morning sickness, but twinges and sensitivity. I don’t care how bad the symptoms get, I just want my baby here in late March (estimated due date according to the interwebs – March 29th.) The timing of all of this is exactly two weeks behind the timing of Baby #2 last year. Baby #2 was due March 15th of this year.
So I knew on Friday that I was pregnant. The first person I told was The Dog. I hugged her and talked to her and she just looked at me with her big, soulful brown eyes and looked so strong with her head held high. I didn’t tell The Husband until this morning. I don’t know if that makes me a bad wife or not, but I wanted a few days to myself with the news to really sort of process it and digest it. I wanted to get past the immediate feelings, whatever they may be, and feel all the things I would feel without having his feelings and thoughts invade mine or distract me. Obviously we have been trying and want a child, and as happy as I am to have succeeded at getting pregnant now comes the difficult stuff. Now comes the ultrasounds (I feel like I have never received good news at an ultrasound.) The waiting between appointments, the wondering, the anxiety. I have already had two babies with abnormalities and I just hope that this is not the third. I know that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby in nine months for any variety of reasons. I know that hearing a heart beat doesn’t mean the baby is okay. I know that getting past the first trimester does not mean it is smooth sailing for the rest of the pregnancy and you can let your guard down. I’ve lived 2nd trimester loss twice now.
I am trying to remind myself of all the good things – we know we have normal karotypes, we know that we are not carriers for the same recessive kidney disorders, I have been taking extra folate, non-synthetic vitamins, Co-Q10, using more natural and less chemical products throughout our house. I keep repeating that list in my head when I start feeling a little anxious.
For the most part the anxiety has been minimal. I’ve felt a strange combination of wanting to jump for joy, be excited, cry with happiness and then also feel paralyzed with fear and wanting to drop to my knees and cry because I’m scared/nervous. All of those dueling feelings have been canceling each other out and it’s left me pretty calm. The Husband was happy and cautiously optimistic. He is always more optimistic than me anyway; I am an admitted pessimist. I was also distracted yesterday by more problems with my brother. He had been making progress with his counselor, and then yesterday had another episode. Probably a post for another day. Today we went out on the boat with my mother and stepfather and nothing makes me feel more relaxed or free or calm than the salt air and riding the waves.
I actually have an appointment with Dr. F (my OB/GYN) for my yearly physical next week. I was also planning on talking to her about my abnormally long cycle and frustration at not getting pregnant. But now seeing as I’m pregnant I might call and see about pushing it out a few weeks to have it more in line with the timing for my first prenatal appointment – can I even have an annual physical if I’m pregnant? I also need to see about the timing for my first appointment with Dr. T (the maternal fetal specialist.) When I met with her for a “pre-conception appointment” in December she said she would be performing all of my ultrasounds and any testing (non-invasive or otherwise.) So when then should I see Dr. F? I don’t know. I know I don’t need to worry about these things for the immediate future and these aren’t calls I need to make tomorrow or even this week.
So there it is. I guess if someone asked me “What’s new?” I’d have something to say. But I am not telling anyone right now – not family or friends. I debated whether or not to mention it right now the blog, but I want to get this all out. Since I’m not telling any “real life” friends or family right now, besides the limited few who read this (since I do try to keep it “anonymous”), my little corner of the internet is where it will go.