You can hear happiness staggering on down the street

Tuesday of this week brought the end of my 46 day cycle and the beginning of a new cycle. Last cycle was my longest cycle since going off birth control in May 2013. I don’t understand how, since loss #2 and beginning acupuncture, my cycles were all 32-36 days (except for one 29 days mixed in) and now this. I remember a doctor telling me once that if a cycle was longer than 35 days ovulation probably did not occur. However I did have a noticeable temperature increase the last 13 days of the cycle, so I think ovulation did occur.

It feels like everything I am doing to “be healthier” is a waste. The acupuncture, the yoga, using natural/fragrance free/BPA free products. The COQ10. Homemade lotions. And for what? Okay, I know being healthier and taking good care of myself is not a waste, and is probably beneficial for the long-term. But for the short-term, what did I get? My longest cycle ever and incredibly painful cramping on Tuesday. So bad that I actually came home on my lunch break (I work 10 minutes from my home) so I could lay down for 30 minutes, get some medicine and try to feel better. I don’t like to take medicines, even Tylenol for headaches, but the cramps were so unbearable that I had to. I was in pain, exhausted, headache, feeling like I could fall asleep at my desk at work. Not fun times.

Then I spent the rest of the week being angry. Once I realized a few weeks ago how long my cycle was going to be, when I didn’t ovulate around the day I normally do, I lost hope for this cycle thinking that my egg and lining would be poor quality and thus no implantation. So I had my mind made up ahead of time that I would not get pregnant, but it still made me angry seeing all the pregnant people at work. I think I need to think of a name for the group of them. I noticed yet another one on Thursday, this one in Marketing (not in Finance, like the rest of them and me) so that’s why I probably didn’t know before – our paths don’t cross that much. Yet there she was on Thursday with her noticeable bump, and there I was rolling my eyes. So, FOUR pregnant girls at work, on top of the numerous others I know of outside of work. I’m sick of seeing them, and don’t want to talk to them, and it has nothing to do with them as people and everything to do with the fact that they are all pregnant and I am not. I won’t try to make excuses for myself, at least not here on this blog, so there it is – they are pregnant and I am not and it makes me sad and angry and worried and ashamed of myself for various reasons. I try to not act this way or feel this way, but some days it is exhausting to hold myself together and this week had several of those days.

This isn’t to mean that I dislike any of those pregnant people. I do not. Several of my friends, all good people who have been kind to me, are pregnant and my feelings aren’t personally directed towards them, even thought it might seem like it. I don’t begrudge them any of their happiness. I just wish I could have some of that happiness too. I feel left out, left behind, undeserving, and it’s hard to deal with day in, day out. Most of the time I am good at putting it all aside and refocusing my thoughts – especially at work. I keep myself busy, go to the gym, read a book. But my best friend at work is 26 weeks pregnant and several times a week when I see her I think – I TRIED FIRST! I WENT OFF THE PILL FIRST! I WAS PREGNANT FIRST! I’VE BEEN WANTING THIS LONGER THAN SHE HAS! WHY DOES SHE GET IT BUT NOT ME? WHEN DO I GET MY TURN?

Really all kinds of petty, juvenile thoughts. I feel like an angry, whiny child throwing a temper tantrum (in my head, that is.)

Speaking of happiness, I came across this quote the other day:

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep” and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness.” Ask yourself, “Is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.

—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. But it makes me think, and thinking’s not a bad thing.

I had other things I wanted to write about today and definitely got off track with this. I guess it will have to wait for another day, as I have two more episodes left of Orange is the New Black to get through – I am determined to finish tonight, and The Husband is out with some of his friends so isn’t around to hog the iPad and distract me.

Before I go, after the Supreme Court decisions that came out recently I just have to add this – damn it feels good to be a liberal this week (even though technically I am “undeclared” I always lean to the left.)

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20 Responses to You can hear happiness staggering on down the street

  1. mamaetmaman says:

    I’m sorry. IF is so hard. I started this journey with a bunch of women who have lapped me and are onto trying to make their second baby. You really do feel left behind. I know how frustrating it is to feel this way yet feel like you have to hide or be ashamed of how you feel. I just hope that life cuts you a break, and that it’s your turn soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I so understand how hard it is to watch everyone around you get pregnant and have kids! I’m now watching everyone move onto their second and we still don’t have one. It drives me crazy, and on my bad days it makes me miserable! I’m sorry it’s so tough for you right now. Sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending many hugs. And thanks for the quote.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lyra211 says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I conceived for the first time on a 35-day cycle (and that pregnancy made it to 18 weeks and only ended because of my clotting disorder), and I know I ovulated on cycles as long as 66 days (through BBT monitoring). I think what that doctor told you was bunk.

    Yeah, you know, even now that I’m pregnant I still have trouble with pregnant women, especially since a couple of our friends are about to have their THIRD kid. Yes, THIRD living, breathing baby. I can’t look at that belly now like 30+ weeks pregnant with a third kid and not hate them just a little bit. Sure, things are easier to deal with in general right now, but at only 6+ weeks I can’t actually believe that this is going to work, and I don’t think I’ll ever be fully healed and/or able to listen to someone prattle about their normal pregnancy complaints.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Based on how I feel now, and how others that were in my position and have moved on feel, I think pregnancy announcements will always cause me a bit of discomfort and anxiety. I guess it’s normal when you’ve been through what we’ve been through. Hope you are feeling well my friend. xxx.

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  5. Im in the same boat as you. I know its so frustrating when you do all these healthy things and dont see the immediate results. Your hard work will pay off though, dont give up!! Your happy ending is on its way.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry. I too find it incredibly hard seeing pregnant people, who suddenly pop up everywhere I go (seriously, I’ve seen one in SUSHI BAR, or all places! I was pissed off, I thought I’d be safe there, hehe). As for the healthy changes you are making… I think it takes incredible strength and commitment to embrace everything that might help getting pregnant, and I admire all that you’re doing… One of the reasons I drag my feet and still haven’t gotten myself to acupuncturist is that normally they suggest eliminating dairy from one’s diet. I just can’t. The same with gluten and wine. It’s just not a guarantee that I’d have a baby after I quit eating bread, and I’m like, life is sad enough as it is, can a non-pregnant lady have some pizza with wine already?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I totally hear you on the pizza and wine! And I’d add french vanilla iced coffee to that list 😉 And, my acupuncturist did not suggest eliminating dairy completely, as I don’t drink that much milk or use a lot of dairy products. She did tell me to up my intake of farm fresh local eggs, and asked me to eliminate all synthetic vitamins. She recommended I work with a specific nutritionist but I never followed through with making that appointment… I too have my limits!

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  7. I have the same feelings as you towards pregnant women, especially at work (because there you see them every day). I’m already struggling with one or two pregnant ladies, but you have 4! that’s a LOT. *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Krystal says:

    I am loving that quote. Awhile ago, I said that I wanted all my future children to have a “full” life – which included having heartache, sadness, etc. because I think it builds character, creates wisdom and understanding, and signals the need for a support system – all of which are healthy, good things in life.

    Infertility is tough. I remember the years going through it and just loathing every pregnancy announcement. I hope your pregnancy announcement is sooner than you think.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. RJ says:

    I can totally relate to several things you said in your post but most notably being surrounded by pregnant coworkers. There are now 5 pregnant RN’s and a pregnant social worker (6!!) on day shift with me. In short…WTF? It’s a constant reminder of what I don’t yet have. It’s sometimes difficult to keep my feelings in check . While I would never wish anything bad upon these ladies, I wish I could easily get pregnant and have a baby. I guess I’m just sad for me.

    As you know, I’m also on the natural product/supplement kick and I’m really wondering if it’s actually doing anything. How are we suppose to know? I hate not knowing. It goes with hating not being in control. I wish I could just let go of those feelings.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Fingers crossed that you get good news very soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know how we are supposed to know! It’s frustrating. I wish there was some way to test and see if all of these natural products amount to anything at all besides a drain on the bank account 🙂 And, I get being sad for you. I feel sad for me too… xxx.

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  10. Pingback: A Cliché | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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