Tuesday of this week brought the end of my 46 day cycle and the beginning of a new cycle. Last cycle was my longest cycle since going off birth control in May 2013. I don’t understand how, since loss #2 and beginning acupuncture, my cycles were all 32-36 days (except for one 29 days mixed in) and now this. I remember a doctor telling me once that if a cycle was longer than 35 days ovulation probably did not occur. However I did have a noticeable temperature increase the last 13 days of the cycle, so I think ovulation did occur.
It feels like everything I am doing to “be healthier” is a waste. The acupuncture, the yoga, using natural/fragrance free/BPA free products. The COQ10. Homemade lotions. And for what? Okay, I know being healthier and taking good care of myself is not a waste, and is probably beneficial for the long-term. But for the short-term, what did I get? My longest cycle ever and incredibly painful cramping on Tuesday. So bad that I actually came home on my lunch break (I work 10 minutes from my home) so I could lay down for 30 minutes, get some medicine and try to feel better. I don’t like to take medicines, even Tylenol for headaches, but the cramps were so unbearable that I had to. I was in pain, exhausted, headache, feeling like I could fall asleep at my desk at work. Not fun times.
Then I spent the rest of the week being angry. Once I realized a few weeks ago how long my cycle was going to be, when I didn’t ovulate around the day I normally do, I lost hope for this cycle thinking that my egg and lining would be poor quality and thus no implantation. So I had my mind made up ahead of time that I would not get pregnant, but it still made me angry seeing all the pregnant people at work. I think I need to think of a name for the group of them. I noticed yet another one on Thursday, this one in Marketing (not in Finance, like the rest of them and me) so that’s why I probably didn’t know before – our paths don’t cross that much. Yet there she was on Thursday with her noticeable bump, and there I was rolling my eyes. So, FOUR pregnant girls at work, on top of the numerous others I know of outside of work. I’m sick of seeing them, and don’t want to talk to them, and it has nothing to do with them as people and everything to do with the fact that they are all pregnant and I am not. I won’t try to make excuses for myself, at least not here on this blog, so there it is – they are pregnant and I am not and it makes me sad and angry and worried and ashamed of myself for various reasons. I try to not act this way or feel this way, but some days it is exhausting to hold myself together and this week had several of those days.
This isn’t to mean that I dislike any of those pregnant people. I do not. Several of my friends, all good people who have been kind to me, are pregnant and my feelings aren’t personally directed towards them, even thought it might seem like it. I don’t begrudge them any of their happiness. I just wish I could have some of that happiness too. I feel left out, left behind, undeserving, and it’s hard to deal with day in, day out. Most of the time I am good at putting it all aside and refocusing my thoughts – especially at work. I keep myself busy, go to the gym, read a book. But my best friend at work is 26 weeks pregnant and several times a week when I see her I think – I TRIED FIRST! I WENT OFF THE PILL FIRST! I WAS PREGNANT FIRST! I’VE BEEN WANTING THIS LONGER THAN SHE HAS! WHY DOES SHE GET IT BUT NOT ME? WHEN DO I GET MY TURN?
Really all kinds of petty, juvenile thoughts. I feel like an angry, whiny child throwing a temper tantrum (in my head, that is.)
Speaking of happiness, I came across this quote the other day:
I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep” and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness.” Ask yourself, “Is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.
—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life
I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. But it makes me think, and thinking’s not a bad thing.
I had other things I wanted to write about today and definitely got off track with this. I guess it will have to wait for another day, as I have two more episodes left of Orange is the New Black to get through – I am determined to finish tonight, and The Husband is out with some of his friends so isn’t around to hog the iPad and distract me.
Before I go, after the Supreme Court decisions that came out recently I just have to add this – damn it feels good to be a liberal this week (even though technically I am “undeclared” I always lean to the left.)