The Voice of the Sea

Last week was a week I’d rather just forget. First with all the dramatics of Sunday night, which spilled in to Monday. Monday morning  also brought news that someone I graduated with died in a motorcycle accident, not even half a mile from his home. We were not close friends, and I haven’t seen him in years, but he was always so friendly with a great sense of humor, and a wonderful smile, and handsome, and it was an accident. One accident and now he is gone. I just can’t get over that. We went to school together from 5th grade through graduation. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it, and the feelings of mortality and thoughts of the brevity of life. Then there were four different pregnancy announcements – two alone on Friday, which actually seems small and petty compared to what I imagine the grief to be of the family that buried their son/brother/uncle yesterday. So by the end of the week I was feeling exhausted and ready to throw my hands in exasperation and defeat.

If I slept about 30 minutes Sunday night in to Monday morning I’d be surprised. I ended up going to court on Monday morning with my brother and stepfather, the judge would be deciding whether or not to continue the emergency order. Long story short, it wasn’t continued and the order was dropped. His crazy ex-girlfriend went before the judge to say she didn’t want it continued, she made most of the story up and her mother had her do it.

UM, WHAT? I obviously knew she was crazy and lying, but she actually got up in front of a judge in a court of law and admitted to it. I was half afraid she wouldn’t. Mind you, she’s an ADULT, so how is this justifiable? I can’t imagine what goes through people’s minds when they knowingly wreak havoc on someone’s life under false pretenses. Did she think it was a joke and didn’t matter? She wasted the cops time on Sunday, my time, my stepfather’s time, my brother’s time, the judges time, etc. And she gets to talk away like nothing happened. I am biting in my tongue (or fingers in this case) because I could really go off on what I think about this and it wouldn’t be pretty. Suffice to say, if I ever come face to face with her again she will get an earful from me and then some.

Moving on….

The Husband and my mother have been having long talks with my brother every day and he has agreed to outpatient counseling. His intake is Tuesday. I am really glad for this – I don’t know if it will help all of his problems, but I feel like it is a start. A step in the right direction. Maybe if he can get to the root of his problems he won’t feel the need to drink so much or use. I don’t even know how often he was using, but once is too much for me. I can’t stand the thought of it.

And of course, the pregnancy announcements. Evidently everyone in my life (a gross exaggeration, I know) is having a December baby. One of the girls at work (she had a miscarriage last December and I actually even let her borrow my copy of It Starts With The Egg), my friend A, an old high school friend Y, and an old camping friend. Seriously, WTF?  Four announcements in one week. TWO on Friday. It’s bad enough reading about it on social media (which, I deactivated my Facebook again on Friday morning, stupid social media), but R told me face to face. Of course I couldn’t let my fake, phony smile slip but inside it is like being sucker punched and I need to brace myself. Literally I had to lean up against the door to her office. So, R makes the third pregnant person I know of at work. Work, which is supposed to be my sanctuary. There is R due in December, N due in September, and another R who I am guessing is due somewhere between them. I feel like I am the only person in the world who cannot get pregnant right now.

I know, I am exaggerating and being dramatic, and I know there are certainly many, many more people who want to be pregnant and can’t/aren’t. I know I am not alone. And, truth is, I don’t want to be pregnant so much as I want to have a baby. I just want my child to be here with me. It’s not the pregnancies, it’s that they are one step closer to (most likely) having a healthy, happy child and I am still not any closer.

This month, in fact, is my longest cycle to date – I didn’t even ovulate until CD34!!! I have never before had a cycle this long. And the frustrating part is that I am trying to make positive changes and do new things to help regulate my cycles and conceive easier and be healthier – acupuncture, exercising regularly (but not too hard), yoga, using natural products to try and decrease the biotoxicity in my life – and apparently my body hates it because it is rebelling. I wouldn’t even know I ovulated if not for my temperature rising, as I never saw an LH surge on one of those Wondfo strips. However some days I only test once a day because I forget to test in the afternoon, so it’s possible I missed it. Anyway, you always read about how egg quality is worse when you ovulate later in your cycle, and your lining is worse, etc. so I don’t have much hope that this could be a successful cycle. I wonder if missing an acupuncture appointment had something to do with this – due to my schedule and J’s schedule I’m going a month without a visit. Maybe I need to keep up with my regular visits for consistency and to keep my cycle on track. Who knows.

I went to the beach today, and I think it was good for me. I went in the morning, I don’t like being there late in the afternoon when it is very crowded. I like the morning sun. It was beautiful, not many clouds in the sky, the water was clear and cool, and staring out into the ocean horizon, into the vast nothingness that is the Atlantic, makes me feel so small. I don’t think I would much enjoy living in a landlocked state.

Now, to get back to Orange is the New Black.

Kate Chopin

Kate Chopin

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21 Responses to The Voice of the Sea

  1. Vitex helped to regulate my cycles – and maybe it’s a coincidence but I have fallen pregnant the first month I started taking it twice now…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad your brother is getting out-patient counseling. I’ve been thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lyra211 says:

    Wow, what a shock that your brother’s ex-girlfriend admitted that she lied in front of a judge. I mean, it’s the right thing to do… but you’d think she could have started doing the right thing a little earlier, maybe!

    I never got reasonable results with the wondfo strips — they’d get darker and lighter and darker and I could never tell when the test line was darker than the control line. When I switched to digital OPKs things got so much easier, and since then we’ve always been able to time things perfectly. I’m sure you’ll figure out something that works for you, hopefully soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, if she had been truthful from the start none of it would have ever happened!
      And I am ready to toss out all the Wondfos, I think there has been only one cycle since I’ve been using them where I’ve definitely seen a surge and had no doubt about it. Not that it helped since I didn’t get pregnant, but whatever! xxx.

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  4. Nara says:

    I don’t know what to say other than you’ve been through the wars! That sounds really tough. I hope you have a better week this week.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. gsmwc02 says:

    I’m so sorry things are what they are. Hoping things improve.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am really hoping this next week is a lot calmer for you. I’m glad your brother has agreed to do some councelling. And I’m really glad his ex did the right thing. And, I’m glad you managed to get the beach too – your body and soul deserves some peace even if just for a few minutes at the beach.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 4 pregnancy announcements! I once had 2 in a week and I thought that was too much 🙂 I’m sorry you have such a long cycle, the waiting must be terrible.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Krystal says:

    I’ve lived through the whole “everyone is pregnant but me” and it totally sucks. I am so sorry, I know how tough that is. Sounds like you needed that beach break. I hope you get good news soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Here’s hoping things calm down for you soon. And I’m sorry about all of the pregnancy announcements. There is no sugar-coating the fact that they are brutal. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I hope things calm down soon too, last week was just a bit too much. I definitely needed this past weekend to calm down, recharge and try and forget about all the happy pregnant people and their too happy announcements. xxx.

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  10. calcandide says:

    I can’t believe she didn’t get in trouble for lying! You’d think she’d be charged with contempt of court or libel or something. Wow.

    I’ve never used Wondfos, but I’ve never gotten a positive ovulation result except when I’ve used Clearblue digital kits.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like the Wondfos because they are cheap, I bought a whole bunch off Amazon back in February and still haven’t had to buy any more. But I still haven’t seen very many positives. Maybe I just have a weak LH surge, or I’m using them at the wrong time and miss it. Regardless of the OPK we are still “getting down” a lot, with or without the positive, so we just haven’t gotten lucky yet. Grrr!

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