Last week was a week I’d rather just forget. First with all the dramatics of Sunday night, which spilled in to Monday. Monday morning also brought news that someone I graduated with died in a motorcycle accident, not even half a mile from his home. We were not close friends, and I haven’t seen him in years, but he was always so friendly with a great sense of humor, and a wonderful smile, and handsome, and it was an accident. One accident and now he is gone. I just can’t get over that. We went to school together from 5th grade through graduation. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it, and the feelings of mortality and thoughts of the brevity of life. Then there were four different pregnancy announcements – two alone on Friday, which actually seems small and petty compared to what I imagine the grief to be of the family that buried their son/brother/uncle yesterday. So by the end of the week I was feeling exhausted and ready to throw my hands in exasperation and defeat.
If I slept about 30 minutes Sunday night in to Monday morning I’d be surprised. I ended up going to court on Monday morning with my brother and stepfather, the judge would be deciding whether or not to continue the emergency order. Long story short, it wasn’t continued and the order was dropped. His crazy ex-girlfriend went before the judge to say she didn’t want it continued, she made most of the story up and her mother had her do it.
UM, WHAT? I obviously knew she was crazy and lying, but she actually got up in front of a judge in a court of law and admitted to it. I was half afraid she wouldn’t. Mind you, she’s an ADULT, so how is this justifiable? I can’t imagine what goes through people’s minds when they knowingly wreak havoc on someone’s life under false pretenses. Did she think it was a joke and didn’t matter? She wasted the cops time on Sunday, my time, my stepfather’s time, my brother’s time, the judges time, etc. And she gets to talk away like nothing happened. I am biting in my tongue (or fingers in this case) because I could really go off on what I think about this and it wouldn’t be pretty. Suffice to say, if I ever come face to face with her again she will get an earful from me and then some.
The Husband and my mother have been having long talks with my brother every day and he has agreed to outpatient counseling. His intake is Tuesday. I am really glad for this – I don’t know if it will help all of his problems, but I feel like it is a start. A step in the right direction. Maybe if he can get to the root of his problems he won’t feel the need to drink so much or use. I don’t even know how often he was using, but once is too much for me. I can’t stand the thought of it.
And of course, the pregnancy announcements. Evidently everyone in my life (a gross exaggeration, I know) is having a December baby. One of the girls at work (she had a miscarriage last December and I actually even let her borrow my copy of It Starts With The Egg), my friend A, an old high school friend Y, and an old camping friend. Seriously, WTF? Four announcements in one week. TWO on Friday. It’s bad enough reading about it on social media (which, I deactivated my Facebook again on Friday morning, stupid social media), but R told me face to face. Of course I couldn’t let my fake, phony smile slip but inside it is like being sucker punched and I need to brace myself. Literally I had to lean up against the door to her office. So, R makes the third pregnant person I know of at work. Work, which is supposed to be my sanctuary. There is R due in December, N due in September, and another R who I am guessing is due somewhere between them. I feel like I am the only person in the world who cannot get pregnant right now.
I know, I am exaggerating and being dramatic, and I know there are certainly many, many more people who want to be pregnant and can’t/aren’t. I know I am not alone. And, truth is, I don’t want to be pregnant so much as I want to have a baby. I just want my child to be here with me. It’s not the pregnancies, it’s that they are one step closer to (most likely) having a healthy, happy child and I am still not any closer.
This month, in fact, is my longest cycle to date – I didn’t even ovulate until CD34!!! I have never before had a cycle this long. And the frustrating part is that I am trying to make positive changes and do new things to help regulate my cycles and conceive easier and be healthier – acupuncture, exercising regularly (but not too hard), yoga, using natural products to try and decrease the biotoxicity in my life – and apparently my body hates it because it is rebelling. I wouldn’t even know I ovulated if not for my temperature rising, as I never saw an LH surge on one of those Wondfo strips. However some days I only test once a day because I forget to test in the afternoon, so it’s possible I missed it. Anyway, you always read about how egg quality is worse when you ovulate later in your cycle, and your lining is worse, etc. so I don’t have much hope that this could be a successful cycle. I wonder if missing an acupuncture appointment had something to do with this – due to my schedule and J’s schedule I’m going a month without a visit. Maybe I need to keep up with my regular visits for consistency and to keep my cycle on track. Who knows.
I went to the beach today, and I think it was good for me. I went in the morning, I don’t like being there late in the afternoon when it is very crowded. I like the morning sun. It was beautiful, not many clouds in the sky, the water was clear and cool, and staring out into the ocean horizon, into the vast nothingness that is the Atlantic, makes me feel so small. I don’t think I would much enjoy living in a landlocked state.
Now, to get back to Orange is the New Black.