The Longest Day

Today has been a very long, very awful day. It didn’t start out that way – it started out well enough. We went to breakfast, then took the dog over my mother’s house so she could play with my mother’s dogs while we chatted by the pool.

It all turned right after lunch, when my mother called to tell me my brother and his ex-girlfriend got into an argument. I haven’t written too much about it before, perhaps here, but my brother has an alcohol and/or substance abuse problem. The substance abuse of choice is cocaine. I think we’ve all suspected or known for some time, and he always steadfastly denied it and continues to deny it. But this disagreement with his girlfriend led to some heavy drinking, and some extremely nasty text messages, with the (now)ex-girlfriend’s mother calling my mother and accusing my brother of having a coke problem. For all of my disagreements with his ex-girlfriend and her low life family, I cannot deny this. The Husband went to visit with my brother and pick him up and take him to our house, since he was in no condition to drive (he started drinking around noon) and he needed a change of scenery.

We had a heart to heart at my house, as much as you can with someone who is drunk, enraged at his ex-girlfriend and a bit unstable. I told him that I could not have something happen to him after losing my babies. And that every day I worry about him, and it makes me sick sometimes. And he said as upset as he was at being cheated on, he would never compare breaking up with his girlfriend to me losing my babies. And he cried. Then I cried. And I told him that he, The Husband and our father are the three most important men in my life and all I want for him is to be okay. To stop drinking, to stop the drugs, to get help and just be okay. And that I loved him and I know we fought as kids, and we aren’t close all the time, but he’s my only sibling and I don’t want to see him like this and wasting his life away. And that he was better than this, and not to go down to her level of games and nasty words. He said he was at his friend D’s house last night, and D was watching TV on the couch cuddling with his two kids and he felt so sad for himself. That it hurt to see someone so happy and be so unhappy having just found out that his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. I told him, that of everything he said, I could relate. How much it hurts me to see a pregnant person, to see my friends and their babies. How it makes me so sad inside knowing my babies are gone. And that the reasons are different but the feeling is the same. That I knew deep inside he just wants to be loved and I do love him. And our parents do. And The Husband does. And he could turn to us, and we wouldn’t lie to him like she did. And he has so many friends, and is so much more outgoing than me, and so many people care about him. He doesn’t need this in his life.

Nevermind that he lied to me today – saying he only did the drugs “occasionally”, meanwhile one of his very good friends that I spoke to (he called me to check up on my brother) said he was doing coke last night at his house after he found out about the cheating. I asked my brother point blank if he did coke last night and he proceeded to look me straight in the eye and deny it. Once the brother calmed down and laid on the couch I dumped out every bottle and can of alcohol in my house. I also went through his phone (I’m a snoopy sister) and tried to determine who it was he gets drugs from – and saw calls to a certain person at all hours of day/night. So then I did some Facebook investigating and yeah, the guy is a seedy character and I wouldn’t doubt he is supplying the drugs. The only one or not, I don’t know.

I don’t even know how serious the problem is. My brother works with The Husband, and he is there every day. Never late. Works overtime. The Husband doesn’t see how he could have a serious problem and function as well as he does at work (he does manual labor.) I don’t want to be naive and in denial, and I want to believe the best of my brother, but he was definitely acting strung out today.

He finally passed out at my house around 8PM, and then I got a call from my mother at 9:30PM. The cops had shown up at her house to serve him with an emergency restraining order and demanded to know his whereabouts. I knew if I woke him up he would know something was up and never go with me to my mother’s house. So she gave them my address (we only live about 10 min. away) and The Husband and I waited for the cops to show. Once they showed up we woke up my brother and they came in the house to serve him. He was pretty calm while they were here, then once they left he dissolved in tears. I have never see him so low. Never seen him so upset. I think my heart broke again into pieces.

My mother showed up about 5 min. later and again he was upset. I think he is sad, hurt, embarrassed. But, he did say some very awful things to the ex. I told him we all get angry and sad, and it is okay to feel those things, but it is not okay to act the way he did today. He has to go to court tomorrow, and I don’t know who is going with him. I guess I will find out tomorrow morning.

But now I cannot sleep. I have a pit in my stomach. He needed help a while ago, and we could all see this relationship was going to end in disaster. All I want is for him to get help. I told him there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist or going to rehab. To LET people help you. And before they left I asked him if he remembered the conversation we had earlier in the kitchen, and he said yes. He did. The Husband also gave him  speech – about how his uncle passed away two years ago, and we lost two babies, and two of his cousin’s have had serious issues this year, and he won’t be able to handle something serious happening to someone else he loves.

I just want him to be okay. I want him to get help. I would love for it to be at a residential rehab program. I know my mother would do whatever she has to do to pay for it. I am so afraid to go to sleep tonight, so afraid that I will get a call that he drank himself to death or that he od’d. My mother doesn’t have any alcohol in her house, which is where she was taking him, but who knows. What if he calls someone to bring him something? What if he takes off? What do we need to do, an intervention? What if he refuses, do we really just cut him off? I actually called several of those numbers tonight to get information, after he passed out but before the cops served the papers – about interventions. To find out the costs and how quickly it can happen. I don’t know if my mother has the stomach to start the process so I figured I would get her information. At the very least I would love for him to see a therapist. I don’t think his problems can be solved with tough love and pleading from family.

What if, what if, what if. Another of life’s problems and all I can think is what if.

It feels a little better to have written this all out in a post. The knot is still there, but I feel a little calmer. I hope tonight is his bottom. Maybe the restraining order is the wakeup call he needs. He said he doesn’t want this to be his life, and I told him it doesn’t have to be. That he has a choice right now. That we want to help him. And this isn’t going to define him forever and he can clean this all up. He has been working so hard, and doing so well at work, and he shouldn’t throw it away over a trashy chick who can’t keep her legs closed (some of my anger seeping out.) I wish I could make him feel and understand how badly I wish he would pull it all together. How much I want him to get better, how much I love him and want him to be happy and healthy.

I really just hate drugs. Hate them.

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22 Responses to The Longest Day

  1. RJ says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate on some level as my sister suffers from addiction and mental health problems. You just want so badly for them to be ok and to be able to help in any way you can. It’s so hard to see the ones you love suffering. I sincerely hope things work out for him and your family. He is lucky to have you all supporting and loving him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this AND TTC-problems. I hope it would work out all right for your brother. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lyra211 says:

    I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and on top of everything else you’re dealing with. Your brother is lucky to have you in his life, and I so hope that he takes your words about loss and getting help to heart. You’re doing everything you can, and you’re being an amazing sister and daughter. Wishing you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sondra says:

    Oh hun.. You know my story and everything you wrote is how I often feel. I cannot have anything happen to my brother after losing my babies. I wouldn’t be able to cope. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this. But one thing did stick out to me- my mom did cocaine for years (maybe decades) and she still went to work everyday, on-time (same with my brother). It progressively got worse (took years) but every day it got a little worse and out of control. Knowing what I know now, I wish I would have stepped in even sooner, but I kept thinking it wasn’t as bad with my brother. But, it was and got worse and worse. I’m not saying your brother will take my brother’s path, but I am telling you not to be cautious. Feel free to email me if you want & I can’t tell you the whole story w/ my brother right now. I’ll be thinking of you guys. This is so hard to be a part of and watch a family member suffer. I hope things start looking up for him.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sondra says:

    *you should be cautious (sounded a little like I was saying you shouldn’t be)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. babylossmama says:

    This sounds exactly like what we went through with my brother about 8 years ago. You are doing everything right. He was able to get into an outpatient treatment program in town, and was given medication to help break the cocaine habit. It took him a lot longer to reduce his dependence on alcohol, and I give nearly all the credit to a wonderful woman he fell in love with who has supported him tremendously in getting sober. He’s now working full time for the first time in his life and even has his drivers license back after a decade; he’s off alcohol and drugs and even working to cut out the smoking. THERE IS HOPE!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing this story – it is very uplifting. Sometimes all you read about are the sad stories with the bad endings – it’s nice to read a story that provides some hope. I am so happy for you and your family that your brother was able to turn his life around. I am hopeful that getting my brother in an outpatient therapy program will be a good start for him too. xxx.

      Like

  7. mamaetmaman says:

    I’m so sorry. This sounds like a really big burden for you to carry, even if it’s shared with your mom and your husband. I hope that your brother has his “AHA!” moment soon, and finds a way to mend the hurt he is shielding inside in other (non-destructive) ways. Hugs to you ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Sending many hugs. I’m so sorry you are going through this on top of everything else.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You have my empathy for the worries you’re experiencing and I echo your hopes that your brother chooses to let help in and make lasting change.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Addiction is horrible, and hurts so many people. I am so sorry your brother is struggling and my heart breaks for you as well because you do not deserve to watch your brother go through. I hope your brother chooses to make lasting change sooner rather then later.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: If things were different, they’d be different | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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