Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’m drifting in my blogging and in my journey to have a living child. My last post, in fact, was my reaction to someone else’s news and nothing to do with me, myself, and I. I don’t want to tell other people’s stories, I want to tell my story. While my feelings and reactions to what happens around me are certainly a part of my story, they are not the most important part and when I jump to anger and resentment like that it makes me feel… ashamed… that I am not a better person. That I am not “rising above”, so to speak. Even if I feel those negative emotions, I wish I could better control them and not get so bent out of shape. I am a work in progress.
Yesterday I had my yearly performance appraisal at work. It’s amazing to me how one area of my life is going so well, whereas I am making zero progress in another area, the area which really feels more important right now. I felt like a rockstar for all of an hour or two after the big meeting with my boss. Then I went back to feeling like The Girl Who Lost Two Babies and Now Can’t Get Pregnant. Of course I’m proud of my professional accomplishments and glad that I am seen as an asset to my department and company. I truly do like the company I work for and enjoy my job (most days.) I know I am lucky in that regard.
But what does it all matter? They can give me a raise, or promote me, or tell me how great I am, but when I come home I generally don’t feel great or successful. And my retail therapy/spending sprees haven’t brought me any sustained happiness. When I get home from work I’m googling “CD27 ovulation” – because yeah, here I am on CD27 and my temp. hasn’t risen and I haven’t seen a positive OPK. Ever since I started acupuncture in October my cycles have regulated – typically 35 days, but I did have an odd 29 day cycle and a 33 day cycle. But now I am looking at well over 40 days, assuming I ovulate and have a 14 day luteal phase. WTF is that?!?! Why is my body being uncooperative? Am I even going to ovulate? Did my lady bits just kick the bucket? I remember in the past one of my doctors told me that these longer cycles are typically anovulatory. I guess I will find out for myself. I don’t know if there is a point in trying at this point because if there are any follicles left the eggs are probably not in good condition to be fertilized. Or, maybe they are great. Who knows? What do I know about any of this anyway? I’m no doctor.
It’s coming up on one year since we got pregnant with Baby #2. I will be up at the beach in NH around the time we found out last year. Part of me thinks it might be bad luck to get pregnant this month – it didn’t work last year, and I definitely don’t want a repeat of that experience. Thank I think I shouldn’t be superstitious and it doesn’t matter because it would be a different scenario, and I would be stronger than to let that scare me. But if my ovaries have shriveled up I guess it doesn’t matter!