A Moment Before You Need More Happiness

Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’m drifting in my blogging and in my journey to have a living child. My last post, in fact, was my reaction to someone else’s news and nothing to do with me, myself, and I. I don’t want to tell other people’s stories, I want to tell my story. While my feelings and reactions to what happens around me are certainly a part of my story, they are not the most important part and when I jump to anger and resentment like that it makes me feel… ashamed… that I am not a better person. That I am not “rising above”, so to speak. Even if I feel those negative emotions, I wish I could better control them and not get so bent out of shape. I am a work in progress.

Yesterday I had my yearly performance appraisal at work. It’s amazing to me how one area of my life is going so well, whereas I am making zero progress in another area, the area which really feels more important right now. I felt like a rockstar for all of an hour or two after the big meeting with my boss. Then I went back to feeling like The Girl Who Lost Two Babies and Now Can’t Get Pregnant. Of course I’m proud of my professional accomplishments and glad that I am seen as an asset to my department and company. I truly do like the company I work for and enjoy my job (most days.) I know I am lucky in that regard.

But what does it all matter? They can give me a raise, or promote me, or tell me how great I am, but when I come home I generally don’t feel great or successful. And my retail therapy/spending sprees haven’t brought me any sustained happiness. When I get home from work I’m googling “CD27 ovulation” – because yeah, here I am on CD27 and my temp. hasn’t risen and I haven’t seen a positive OPK. Ever since I started acupuncture in October my cycles have regulated – typically 35 days, but I did have an odd 29 day cycle and a 33 day cycle. But now I am looking at well over 40 days, assuming I ovulate and have a 14 day luteal phase. WTF is that?!?! Why is my body being uncooperative? Am I even going to ovulate? Did my lady bits just kick the bucket? I remember in the past one of my doctors told me that these longer cycles are typically anovulatory. I guess I will find out for myself. I don’t know if there is a point in trying at this point because if there are any follicles left the eggs are probably not in good condition to be fertilized. Or, maybe they are great. Who knows? What do I know about any of this anyway? I’m no doctor.

It’s coming up on one year since we got pregnant with Baby #2. I will be up at the beach in NH around the time we found out last year. Part of me thinks it might be bad luck to get pregnant this month – it didn’t work last year, and I definitely don’t want a repeat of that experience. Thank I think I shouldn’t be superstitious and it doesn’t matter because it would be a different scenario, and I would be stronger than to let that scare me. But if my ovaries have shriveled up I guess it doesn’t matter!

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13 Responses to A Moment Before You Need More Happiness

  1. Ive been feeling the same way about my blogging the past week too. And I can also relate to avoiding getting pregnant around the same time as our last loss. I thought maybe I was the only one to think this way. If u felt that way too, know you are not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lyra211 says:

    Ugh, sorry you feel stagnant. I hate that feeling. If it’s any help, before I got pregnant I had wacky cycles (everywhere from 27 to 66 days), and I generally ovulated, even on the super-long ones (which I know because of BBT monitoring). Now I’m regular as can be and I have no idea why it changed. I hope your cycle regulates soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry you are struggling so much right now. I hope your body starts to regulate itself better, the last thing you need to worry about is getting pregnant now, when that’s what you were ‘good’ at before. You just don’t need more stress right now! Sending you love my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nara says:

    I’m so with you. I have this theory that there are 3 main things in my life and at least one of them has to be screwing up at any one time! Work, relationship and family/friends. When I was doing great at work, I ended up separating from my husband. Now I’m in a great relationship, we are going through IVF… and now IVF seems to be going reasonably, work is really hard! As my mum would say, these things are sent to try us! I hope you are keeping well through all this and sorry you are feeling down this week. Keep up the blogging and telling your story!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sending hugs. I’m so familiar with one area of life going well while another goes south… While we were trying for a baby, work was great, I was really successful. Now that we finally have a living child, that turned upside down (though I hope there is light at the end of this tunnel). Hang in there. Better days will come.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Krystal says:

    Blogging can be challenging, definitely. But you can write whatever you want! Vent or talk about whatever you need to. I know how you feel about certain things going well (work) while others are not. It took my husband and I a while to count our blessings after we lost our boys, and probably even before that. It is tough when something so huge has happened in your life. It overshadows everything. Sending love and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I am usually better about counting my blessings and being thankful for what I do have, but some days or weeks are just tough. Especially with other things going on besides TTC that cause some stress. Argh. Anyway I hope you and your little gal are doing well. Hugs to you both.

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