Yesterday I ended up going to my friend E’s party – but not my family party. I just didn’t have it in me to deal with family yesterday, and we’re going on a family vacation next month and I will get my fill of them then. Anyway, E had the party at a local restaurant that has a small party room. The minute I walked in she came up to me, said hello, and immediately this:
E: You will never believe this.
Me: Oh, I’m sure I will…
E: S just told me she had to tell me a secret. She’s pregnant, AGAIN! Can you believe she is going to have four children? It’s not even safe for her since she’s had three c-sections.
Me: You know what they say, different strokes for different folks.
Literally not even a minute after I showed up that is what I was bombarded with. As if someone having their fourth child is the most important news of the day and something I care about. I can’t speak to the validity of E’s claim that this is unsafe for S, and quite frankly I don’t care. S is the girl I mentioned in my previous post that has three kids by two different baby daddies and, for a time, wasn’t sure which baby daddy fathered her third child. She works part time and basically lives off her current baby daddy who is in construction. I call him her current baby daddy because they live together, but he refuses to put a ring on it and he cheats on her. But she won’t leave him because he supports her. Oh yeah, and after he built himself a fancy schmancy new house three or four years ago, he filed bankruptcy so he didn’t have to pay off all the credit card bills he racked up while furnishing said new house. ‘Merica!
I haven’t even told The Husband about this yet, because recently he has been struggling a bit more than I have with the “trying again.” And if I tell him I think he will just get more angry/bitter about the fact that we’ve had two losses and no success with getting pregnant in the past five months. He is emotionally and physically drained with it all right now and feeling down with himself (even though we both know none of this is his fault, or my fault, or anyone’s fault.)
I will say that E made an effort to spend time with me while I was at the party – probably because I called her out on the fact that she never talks to me when I attend her children’s birthday parties. She sat with me while I had pizza and salad, then chatted with me and another of her friends (her name escapes me) when we were hanging out with E’s sister and brother-in-law We were the only “child free” people at the party – the token child free friends. Us in one corner, and in the other corner was S and all of the fertile breeders. I could go on about each of those girls (four of them including S), who each have multiple children yet sat on their asses the whole time during the party and didn’t do anything to parent their children who were running amok, but there’s no way I can get into any of it without sounding like a judgmental bitch. I already do sound like a judgmental bitch. But in situations like this I feel like I can’t help it and this is what it does inside to me when I hear about situations like S – why is it so hard for me, but so easy for her? I feel like I have done nothing wrong and made more stable life choices, yet she is being rewarded with everything I want. Not that I want four kids, two would be fine, but it’s been over two years and I am struggling to have even one. And yet some people just forget to take their birth control pill one day and get pregnant. There is no fairness or justice in any of it.
On one hand I am glad I went to the party – I didn’t get sad (I did get bitter), and although E has her faults and badgered me into attending, I don’t want to lose our friendship. And I realize that it is a two way street and, from time to time, I may need to support my friends at events that might make me uncomfortable due to my losses. I get that. And I can’t make other people go away – no matter how angry it makes me inside, there are always going to be people who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat or have multiple kids and I just have to deal with it. And it doesn’t make them bad people, I know this. I know nobody intentionally sets out to hurt my feelings or upset me, and that we are all just living our own lives with our own struggles. Deep down I know this and I accept this.
But, on my own little corner of the internet, I can vent a little bit and that makes me feel better.