The end of this month marks two years since I stopped taking birth control. Two years and two losses later and here I am.
It is saddening, and frustrating, and disappointing, and maddening to think about this, and I can’t even put a lot of it in to words. Some days it feels like two years of my life are just GONE. It didn’t start out bad – about nine months (ironically) was fine. But now it’s like – POOF! Gone! I’m in the same place I was two years ago. Nothing to show for it.
And you could say – Well, look how STRONG you are! Look what you SURVIVED. You’ve learned a lot about yourself. And your husband. And your marriage. And you are better equipped to handle the tough things life will throw your way in the future.
As if that should make any of it better. Well, that’s all fine and dandy. But I’d rather not have gone through those losses (obviously.)
We have two parties that we were invited to tomorrow – one a family party (11th birthday party for one of my cousins) and the other my friend E’s party (her daughter’s 2nd birthday.) I don’t feel like going to either. The family party will be full of phony people and I will have to be phony myself. I do put on quite a good show when I need to or want to (sometimes I can’t tell if the show is real/genuine or not.) And E’s party will be full of people and their children and I don’t like half of the people that will be there. This is the same friend that pressured me last year about attending the first birthday party and I politely declined. Well, I again got pressure this year – ironic since The Husband and I have seen her and her husband exactly ONCE in the past year. How can you say we are such good friends when I’ve seen you once and talked to you on the phone (maybe) twice? After I received the invite and declined she sent me texts on several different days asking why I wasn’t going and couldn’t I change my plans, and when I said no (using the family party as my out) she then pressured me to attend “even for an hour.” What is the point of me going for an hour? I feel like I have nothing to add to children’s birthday parties. I would sit there feeling annoyed/bitter/sad and it’s not like the hostess spends much time with you anyway, because she’s being a hostess. And I would have to see her two best friends, who each have three children – one by two different fathers (at one point she wasn’t even sure which man was the father of her third child), and the other got pregnant by her current fiancé while she was still married to another man. The first lives off her boyfriend’s/ex-boyfriend’s money (child support) and the second is a stay at home mother who dropped out of high school, has no desire to work or get a GED but at times can’t afford to keep her heat on. As I mentioned in an earlier post I have become quite judgmental at times, specifically regarding people and their parenting and their pregnancies and life choices in these areas, and I can’t help but be annoyed by these two. I’m not sure why they get to have three healthy children each, and I have none. I think I am just as deserving as they are, yet I am struggling and by all accounts (from their own mouths) they haven’t struggled at all having children. I feel like I have done things “right” – school, marriage, house – and they don’t have their shit together at all but get graced with beautiful families.
Waah waah waah. Woe is me, right? I have a loving husband, adorable pets, a roof over my head, a good job, my health (supposedly even though I am going on 5 months trying and no pregnancy), our extended families and good friends. And I am thankful/grateful for all that I have. Two years ago I would have said this is all PERFECT and I had nothing to complain about and life was great. But now, two years later, I am regularly throwing myself pity parties and sometimes get mad at the world. Three years ago, if my friends had a birthday party for their children or generally any other type of party, I would have been upset if I WASN’T invited. Now I dread seeing those invitations. The difference 730 days can make.