Two Years

The end of this month marks two years since I stopped taking birth control. Two years and two losses later and here I am.

It is saddening, and frustrating, and disappointing, and maddening to think about this, and I can’t even put a lot of it in to words. Some days it feels like two years of my life are just GONE. It didn’t start out bad – about nine months (ironically) was fine. But now it’s like – POOF! Gone! I’m in the same place I was two years ago. Nothing to show for it.

And you could say – Well, look how STRONG you are! Look what you SURVIVED. You’ve learned a lot about yourself. And your husband. And your marriage. And you are better equipped to handle the tough things life will throw your way in the future.

As if that should make any of it better. Well, that’s all fine and dandy. But I’d rather not have gone through those losses (obviously.)

We have two parties that we were invited to tomorrow – one a family party (11th birthday party for one of my cousins) and the other my friend E’s party (her daughter’s 2nd birthday.) I don’t feel like going to either. The family party will be full of phony people and I will have to be phony myself. I do put on quite a good show when I need to or want to (sometimes I can’t tell if the show is real/genuine or not.) And E’s party will be full of people and their children and I don’t like half of the people that will be there. This is the same friend that pressured me last year about attending the first birthday party and I politely declined. Well, I again got pressure this year  – ironic since The Husband and I have seen her and her husband exactly ONCE in the past year. How can you say we are such good friends when I’ve seen you once and talked to you on the phone (maybe) twice? After I received the invite and declined she sent me texts on several different days asking why I wasn’t going and couldn’t I change my plans, and when I said no (using the  family party as my out) she then pressured me to attend “even for an hour.” What is the point of me going for an hour? I feel like I have nothing to add to children’s birthday parties. I would sit there feeling annoyed/bitter/sad and it’s not like the hostess spends much time with you anyway, because she’s being a hostess. And I would have to see her two best friends, who each have three children – one by two different fathers (at one point she wasn’t even sure which man was the father of her third child), and the other got pregnant by her current fiancé while she was still married to another man. The first lives off her boyfriend’s/ex-boyfriend’s money (child support) and the second is a stay at home mother who dropped out of high school, has no desire to work or get a GED but at times can’t afford to keep her heat on.  As I mentioned in an earlier post I have become quite judgmental at times, specifically regarding people and their parenting and their pregnancies and life choices in these areas, and I can’t help but be annoyed by these two. I’m not sure why they get to have three healthy children each, and I have none. I think I am just as deserving as they are, yet I am struggling and by all accounts (from their own mouths) they haven’t struggled at all having children. I feel like I have done things “right” – school, marriage, house – and they don’t have their shit together at all but get graced with beautiful families.

Waah waah waah. Woe is me, right? I have a loving husband, adorable pets, a roof over my head, a good job, my health (supposedly even though I am going on 5 months trying and no pregnancy), our extended families and good friends. And I am thankful/grateful for all that I have. Two years ago I would have said this is all PERFECT and I had nothing to complain about and life was great. But now, two years later, I am regularly throwing myself pity parties and sometimes get mad at the world. Three years ago, if my friends had a birthday party for their children or generally any other type of party, I would have been upset if I WASN’T invited. Now I dread seeing those invitations. The difference 730 days can make.

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17 Responses to Two Years

  1. lyra211 says:

    People need to get their noses out of your business. I really don’t get it — why do some people think that sending out an invitation means that their invitees are suddenly somehow obligated to attend whatever they’ve been invited to?! It’s polite to send out an invitation, and it’s polite to decline (politely). There should be no negotiation about it, especially with someone you only see once or twice a year! That’s just nuts.

    I’m sorry the two year mark is so rough on you. It’s my two year mark as well (two years since I went off birth control). And yeah, it’s rough. I really recognize that feeling of just not wanting to be part of child-centered family parties and events — it just highlights what we don’t have, and what we *should* have by now. Someday you’ll be past it, presumably, but for now, these people should be giving you lots of slack, and you should be giving yourself lots of slack. That 11-year-old is hardly going to care if you’re at her birthday party or not, and the two-year-old certainly isn’t! Do what works for you — you’ve got my permission. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words and support. It’s always reassuring to hear/read that other people understand and “get it”, and makes me feel less alone. Here’s to hoping that year three is much better for the both of us.

      Like

  2. I’m sorry you are facing the two year mark, I hate this type of anniversary! There is nothing fun about it.
    I am also sorry you are feeling pressure to attend these events. Honestly, I really support your decision to not go. Sometimes, actually most times, looking out for yourself is the best thing you can possibly do.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nara says:

    What a b*tch! I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that 1) I am not attending and 2) How dare she keep pushing me to do so when in going through XYZ. I would probably also chuck in a few descriptors to make her feel really guilty… but then, I’m a b*tch like that. 😉

    I have a “friend” really like that and have gone from politely declining to “Sorry I have more important things to do; as you can appreciate, some of us have to work”.

    Yes I am bitter. Sometimes we have a right to be!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nara says:

    Oops sorry… my typing on device seems to get autocorrected in an annoying way that makes me look illiterate!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wifey says:

    This all sucks. It’s just really shitty and I’m sorry. Take care of yourself and don’t worry about the phony people. I hope this next year is better for you. Truly.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really get not wanting to be phone around phone folks. I also think you need new friends who respect you and the hardships you’ve been through. It’s understandable and developmentally normal for 3-year olds to expect the world to revolve around them. Adults are capable of more and if they are not I give you permission to toss them out of your life, quietly and without notice or otherwise. 😉

    It hurt like hell for me to be around people’s kids when we struggled with IF and RPL before we had our son. I often feel like the enemy among women who are still struggling and I accept that I may appear that way so I’m okay if you see me in that light now too but I hope you know I do understand and fully support you doing what’s best and most self-care-focused when it comes to social expectations and invites. Do what’s right for you. Those who matter will understand or at least accept and respect your need to do so. If I may paraphrase Dr. Seuss…. Those who don’t? Don’t matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words my dear. I appreciate all the support and kindness you’ve shown me. And, I do not consider you an enemy at all – I think of you often and hope and wish all the best for you and Azulito/a. If anything your story is more of an inspiration than an enemy story. xxx.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Caroline says:

    Oh girl, those yearly anniversaries can be so hard – we just hit 3. Hope THIS is your year!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. rachela28 says:

    I feel your pain. It’s been 2 years of ttc for my husband and I, 2 losses as well. There are times when I wish I could go back to being naive about all that, before we started trying. But I know we can never go back, we must move forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Birthday Friends | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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