Spring has been in full swing here in Massachusetts, and it’s finally been nice enough to spend time outdoors – running, reading on my back deck, gardening (my friend L and I rented a garden plot at the community garden we have at work), walking, just anything to enjoy the fresh air. I’m even getting the start of a tan which is a nice change from my pale, pasty winter skin.
Like waves, grief has been coming and going. Right now it is going, it is a lull and I try to enjoy it. It’s hard to enjoy it thoroughly when I know that when it comes, when the bad day comes (and it always does), it is quite literally an awful, terrible no good very bad day. So I’m always tentatively enjoying and waiting for the moment that something flips the switch. Mother’s Day was not very bad for me – I know it is a trigger for some and I get it. I had lunch with my mother and grandmother then shopping. And I also made a post on Facebook, the first time I’ve ever sort of publicly acknowledged my loss. It was just something about wishing a happy Mother’s Day to the mothers who have angels holding their babies. Something like that. My Facebook has been on and off since my loss – when I get aggravated with all of the sanctimony, all the whining and complaining, all the phoniness, when I get aggravated with it all I deactivate. But I did reactivate recently. But I have never once posted about my loss. It’s really kind of odd I guess – I posted my pregnancy announcement at 17 weeks, and two weeks later we lost Baby #1. And then there was never another word about it.
And as for baby making, or whatever you want to call it, there is nothing new to say. We are just trying and letting nature take its course. Some days I feel really strong and think there is no reason why I could not or should not have a healthy baby. I get really indignant – and think for sure that it must be time now and I’ve already lost two babies and I’ve paid my dues and surely something good has to happen for me. And other days I think I should just cut my losses and move on from this, and get an IUD or something. That the first two losses were a sign and I must be a glutton for punishment if I try again. And that I should have learned my lesson by now. It’s a battle inside of me and at times it consumes all of my thoughts. Last night, for example, I spent quite a bit of time googling still birth. Why? Because I thought to myself – if I am pregnant again, this is what will happen to me – it will be even worse then what I’ve already gone through – and what could be worse than going full term and having some horrible, horrible accident happen and it being “too late.” Why would I even bother thinking of this? I’m not even pregnant. But all I can do some days is think of the worst possible scenarios, the worst possible outcomes and think to myself – it is going to be me. I’ve already been on the wrong side of the odds twice, so the odds don’t scare me or comfort me. I will always be “the one” in my mind. I don’t want to be “the one” who only gets he bad stuff, the sad stuff – and I worry that I am turning into a self fulfilling prophecy. In the future I want to have a happy, healthy, care free pregnancy and live happily ever after. But… but….
I’ve been indulging myself in a lot of retail therapy lately – sandals, maxi dresses, for some reason I decided to get some new summer gear. And Vineyard Vines having their Friends and Family Sale this weekend certainly hasn’t helped me stop spending (seriously, The Husband and I could probably spend thousands of dollars there each visit if we had it.) I am very quick to say to myself “Well, after what I’ve been through, I deserve it!” and try to justify my spending that way. But I started a new rule that for every piece of new clothing I bring home I have to put a piece of old clothing in the donation pile. And in the past few months I have made many trips to the goodwill donation bin. I really need to rein this in.
I am also planning a long weekend away with one of my friends, probably to New Orleans. We also want to plan a couples trip this winter to Punta Cana (The Husband really hit it off with her husband when they met as they both share a passion for golf.) But New Orleans first! She wants to get away, and I certainly would like to get away and have no obligations keeping me home (except work) so can go whenever. I have plenty of vacation time left this year, so once she and her husband decide when is a good time for them (they have two young daughters so need to work around their schedule) we will be planning our trip. I’ve never been and she’s never been and both of us have always wanted to go. So, if anyone has been and has some recommendations on what to do and where to stay I would love to hear them!
Also, would love to hear some gardening suggestions! L and I weeded our garden plot today, and raked, and tried to move some soil around. It’s not a huge plot but it took us an hour to do it all. We plan to plant cucumbers, tomatoes, peas, zucchini, onions and carrots. I have never gardened before and this is all very new to me so any tips and tricks would be much appreciated!! I wish I took some before pictures today, because the plot was truly a mess, but I forgot. I’m sure I’ll have some pictures to share once we plant and such – we are planting vegetable plants, not seeds, because it’s a little late and we want to get things moving.
And, the Mad Men finale. I watched last night, and maybe I was just overtired but I definitely felt like “Huh?” at the end. So are we to believe Don had a grand epiphany while Namaste’ing in Cali, returned to NYC, was welcomed back with open arms and he is responsible for that iconic Coca Cola commercial? Because that’s what I got out of it. And, why is Betty the only character who is physically suffering for her vices? I would think that others would also be suffering seriously physical maladies given their hard drinking lifestyle but what do I know. I just felt kind of bad for her at the end – she may not be the best mother or a parenting role model but still…