Uncle

Today I was reading this post and it really…. sobered me. I don’t know of sobered is the right word to express how I feel, but it’s the only word that comes to mind. I think it’s made me feel this way because it has touched upon thoughts and feelings I’ve had deep down but never expressed. Worries/fears that I’ve had in the back of my mind. Probably because I don’t want to think about it, I don’t like to think about it, so I shove it deep down and hide it away. As for the post, our stories and diagnoses are not the same, but the fact that we have both lost multiple pregnancies is the same.

This part in particular caught me:

Yes, if I were still naïve to our diagnosis, I probably would do everything the same again from the very beginning – get married and try for kids once our careers were stable, it was the responsible decision. I would probably try again for a first or second time. Would I try again for a 3rd, 4th or 5th? I don’t know, maybe. ~ MPB

This is what haunts me. What makes me think trying again would be any different? Is acupuncture of more folic acid or a better diet really going to change things? Aren’t 2 losses enough of a sign or a slap in the face? Why should I think that my genes are superior enough that they should be passed down to future generations? Why do I need a “mini-me”? Is it better to stop now after only 2, won’t I feel even worse on the 3rd or 4th? Before I even tried to have a baby I was really very happy. My life was good.  A good career. A good family. A good husband and pets. We didn’t struggle. My biggest struggle was planning a yearly vacation or dealing with my father’s girlfriend (whom I really don’t like. at. all.) But really, I was probably very spoiled. Probably a little entitled –  but things came EASY so I don’t think I knew much better. I didn’t have to try too hard in school – I didn’t have to try too hard to get either of my jobs (I knew people at both companies where I was hired after college.) Yes, I had to  interview well and yes, I had to know enough to get in the door. I had to put in the hours and do the work, but working never bothered me. As long as I tried I could get what I wanted.  Pregnancy loss was the biggest, ugliest wakeup call I ever received. Bigger and uglier than the death of my grandfather when I was 18 (he’s really the only person close to me that I’ve ever lost.)

Last summer I wrote about my best friend M, and about her telling me about her pregnancy (this is before I was even pregnant with Baby 2.) And I felt such.despair. And one thought I always had after that was about her father. Her father died two months before her wedding. Two months before he could walk her down the aisle.  I won’t forget riding with her in the limo on the way to the church and seeing her tears. I look around my living room and there’s a picture of my father kissing me on the cheek on my wedding day. He walked me down the aisle. In our office there’s a picture of him with me and my brother at my aunt’s 50th birthday party two years ago. A year and a half ago we were on vacation in Florida. We have our yearly family vacation at the beach. He comes to my house and tries to help fix things. When The Husband and I go on vacation he comes over to take care of my cat. Sometimes he’s my airport chauffeur. We’ve been to Patriots games, vacations, family parties, dinners. And yes, when I mention things to M involving my father I am very cognizant of what I say and how I say it. From the moment I heard that her father passed away I was always very, very aware of how it might feel to her when I talk about my own.

Why do I think I should have it all? What makes me so special? I know M would do anything for another moment with her father. She can have her daughters but she can’t have that moment. I can have moments with my father but I can’t have my babies. I am fairly good at being a daughter*. Maybe I would not be good at being a mother. Maybe I should be happy with what I have and just accept that other things are not meant to be.

*Most of the time.

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8 Responses to Uncle

  1. I can only speak from my own experience. I’ve lost 8 babies in total and when we had to decide last summer whether to try one last time with our remaining two embryos and a novel immune protocol I struggled with the “can I really do this again?” question. If we didn’t have those last two embryos, I don’t know if I would have tried again even after we had diagnoses (and especially because of the fact that I am genetically defective in the reproduction department). I can say that knowing what I know now the decision would be even more difficult than it already was. The other thing I know for certain is that there are no regrets. I do not regret throwing the dice one more time. Would I feel this way if the gamble failed or if it fails now? I don’t know. I hope I would. Regret is such a wasteful emotion.

    I cannot say what you should do. But I can say that nothing about you or your longing to have a living child leads me to believe you would be anything less than a deeply caring and loving parent.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am fascinated with where your mind went – “Why do I think I should have it all? What makes me so special?” My simple answer is, you, me, all of us, we are all deserving! We should all have it all! And we will all be amazing mothers when our turn comes, because we love so deeply and I’m convinced that’s the most important ingredient to being an amazing mother! Heck, I believe we already are amazing mothers – we are amazing mothers to babies that we cannot hold in our arms, but we held in our wombs and will always hold in our hearts. You are an amazing mother, and you deserve to have it all, and I hope you reach a day when you get to have it all!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Of course you should have it all, my friend! We all deserve the world, every single one of us. Yes, we should be grateful for our lives, of course, but that doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to hope and wish and long for more. You will be amazing mother, I know this. All of that, said, I completely hear you, and it’s so easy for the mind to go down that dark place. I visit it often myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. calcandide says:

    I’m so worried about regretting the decisions I make, but I am so grateful that I’ve read about so many other experiences before making my own decisions. If I hadn’t read blog entries about people whose AMH had dropped ridiculously fast, I never would have requested to have mine retested 7 months after the previous test showed it had dropped considerably.

    I also don’t think having your father at your wedding means you can’t have a baby! (I know that’s not exactly what you’re saying)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know and feel your fears and questions and constantly find myself going back to them. I don’t think anything will help us get the right answers. All I know is we won’t know until we try. I do hope we all get our living baby/ies. ❤ thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Krystal says:

    I have felt this way many times. But then I think… some people DO have it all, and they aren’t the best people. So why not me? And why not YOU? I lost my twins and I thought for awhile that maybe it was because I would not have been a good mother. We don’t know why these things happen. They just do. I hope that you get to have it all… even if you will be missing pieces of your heart from your losses. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. G E says:

    I can only speak from my own experience. I spent my second pregnancy terrified that my body was again going to fail me and kill our second little girl like it had done the first time. I had so much guilt and worry and fear. That said, was it worth it? It was. It was worth every second of it now that we have Baby B in our arms. I can’t say whether I’d feel the same way if this had happened more than once, but if I had just said nope, that is it, I am not every getting pregnant again, I think I would always wonder.

    And I do think you should want/dream/expect to have it all or some variation of “it all.” If others get it, why not you? Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Me Here says:

    I *love* this post. I read it in a taxi to work early this morning and I had tears in my eyes. So beautifully put. It really touched me. Thank you.

    Like

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