When I was attending my support group meetings last year one of the themes that came up a few times was the idea that our losses made us more understanding and sensitive to others who are struggling. Not necessarily with pregnancy losses or fertility, but any struggles. And I would agree that these experiences have really opened my eyes to recurrent pregnancy loss, fertility, etc. I never even knew that IUI’s existed a year ago. I knew that IVF existed, but not FET. I didn’t realize how expensive it was or the commitment that went into monitoring appointments, doctors appointments, medications, shots, etc. So I would 100% agree that my losses have put me on a path where I became more knowledgeable about infertility, more empathetic to those who have miscarried, more aware of just how many people suffer with infertility, more understanding of their journeys.
But (and there is always a but, eh?) I have also become very judgmental about some people in my life and about people’s choices in general.
For instance, a second cousin of mine recently got engaged. She has three children, by two different fathers, and had her first when she was young (19 or 20). And my grandmother announced it today like I was supposed to be very excited about this development. I haven’t seen her since I was in middle school, she lives in Florida, and I hadn’t really given her much thought in years. My response was that I hope she didn’t wear white on her wedding day since that ship has obviously sailed. And that I didn’t like her when we were children, I probably wouldn’t like her as an adult, and I couldn’t care less. Isn’t that just really awful?
Another example is my cousin A. She is pregnant with her second child, meanwhile her husband (whom I can’t stand) wants to uproot their family to Texas or Illinois so he can go BACK to school (note: it took him over four years to finish his undergraduate degree and my cousin financially supported the two of them while he went to school full time). My aunt is the primary caregiver of their daughter (my aunt quit her own job to raise this kid because my cousin couldn’t afford to support their bills & daycare) and is/was presumably going to be the caregiver of their second spawn. So this self centered dolt thinks it’s fair to uproot his family, go back to school full time and live on the one salary again. When this all came out at a family dinner (the cousin/aunt involved weren’t there as they live hundreds of miles away) I didn’t hesitate to say exactly what I thought about her choice in husband and what I thought about their decision to have another child with all this other business going on, and told my grandmother she should be thankful that at least one of her granddaughters has some common sense (which isn’t fair, because my other cousin K seems to have common sense.)
And don’t get me started on the drug users, and welfare abusers, and high school dropouts, and people who fake disability, and people who get pregnant while having affairs (I know people who fit into each of these categories.)
So while I think my losses have made me more compassionate in some respects, in others I think I have become more rigid and judgmental. And really, I have no reason to be like this. I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes, and it’s none of my business. I know all of this. But some days I can’t help it. Some days all I can think of are the reasons why it shouldn’t be them and why it should be me. And then I feel like THIS MUST BE WHY I haven’t had my healthy baby. It must be because I am a judgmental ungrateful person, and I will never have my family until I stop these thoughts.
Most of the time I can control it and I’ve tried to stop it altogether but some days it is really really hard.