Annnnnnd we’re talking about your kids again

Today I went to a “Baby Sprinkle” for my best friend, M. M’s second daughter is due in early January. To read about my *awesome* (is there a sarcasm font?) reaction to her pregnancy feel free to click here. It’s password protected – you can email me at ashleighannes12 (at) gmail (dot) com or leave me a comment with your email address and I’ll send it to you (and delete your comment so your email isn’t out there!) She told me about her pregnancy right about the time The Husband and I conceived Baby #2 (I didn’t know I was pregnant yet.) It went about as well as could be expected considering we had lost Baby #1 four months earlier.

Anyway, her MIL (who is one of our teachers from high school) threw her a little sprinkle today. When her sister D called me to invite me I had misgivings right away. First, I have never supported having two showers (especially when your first child was born less than two years ago) and have refused to go to all other second showers and sprinkles that I’ve been invited to. However, since this is my best friend and I like her MIL, I was willing to let that slide. Second, and more importantly, this would be the first baby event I’d be attending since we lost Baby #1 in February. I am just not that in to baby showers, baby announcements, gender reveals, etc. (and for good reason) since we lost our first baby. I do realize this puts people in a tricky position – do they invite me or not? I would have been offended had I not been invited, and I’m sure they didn’t want me to feel left out. So, I agreed to go. Even driving there I felt like turning around, but I tried to put my best foot forward.

Evidently I underestimated how much this whole event would upset me and overestimated  my strength and how well I would be able to deal with it all. I was the only guest there who did not have at least one child. M’s cousin J was there, who, by the way, is pregnant with her second child and that child’s due date is the week before Baby #2 was due. M is on her second, her sister D has 2, her SIL S has 2, her friend M has 2, her friend J has 2. And ME! And basically the whole conversation at brunch revolved around their children. I sat there mute. I literally had nothing to add to that conversation. M complained how her daughter only wanted her, not her husband, in her whiny voice. And how the baby’s cranky today. Boo fucking hoo! I had half a mind to look her in the face and say “At least your child isn’t dead!” and see what she said about that. Her cousin J even had the gall to say “We talk about our kids so much, isn’t it funny when your friends without children get all mad at you because kids dominate the conversation?” Or something along those lines. With the death glare I gave her I’m surprised she’s still alive. I got pretty good at giving her my bitch face by the time I left. All in all I felt like J and M were being whiny and ungrateful. I had bitchy retorts lined up for them and I could have stopped the conversation with just one or two sentences, but really, what did I expect? It’s a “Baby Sprinkle” and they are going to talk about babies. DUH.

So, after all of this going on with all these comments, blah blah blah babies diapers yada yada yada, I ended up in tears in the bathroom. I tried to pull it together quickly but I saw my face in the mirror and knew I couldn’t go back out there. But I also didn’t want people to think I died in there and I didn’t know how long it would take me to compose myself. I opened the door a crack to get D, and M’s MIL saw me and came in and knew right away. She gave me the best hug, which I really needed, and told me she’s so sorry, and she’s so surprised I even came, and then D came in and held me for a few moments while I cried. She too said she was so sorry, and that she wavered on whether to invite me but didn’t want me to have me left out, and that everybody would understand if I needed to leave and it doesn’t mean I’m a bad friend. All of that kind of stuff. I ended up leaving before cake, but I stayed for an hour and a half. It was really just terrible.

And it’s nobody’s fault. It’s not their fault my babies were sick. Maybe it’s their fault for not having lives outside of their children and not being able to carry on conversations that don’t include children, but whatever. Really I just shouldn’t have gone. I knew I shouldn’t have gone from the beginning. I’m not sure why I went.  It was nice of them to include me and invite me, but I didn’t have to accept so it’s really my fault for being this upset. Lesson learned.


This entry was posted in friends, loss, pregnancy envy, sadness and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Annnnnnd we’re talking about your kids again

  1. I’m sorry. It was brave of you to go, but it sounds just awful. I can’t stand when people are ungrateful about their kids. Even if you didn’t struggle, how could you not see what a miracle your child is? It makes me sick.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support, especially when I know you are going through a tough time right now yourself. I know deep down that M and J do love and cherish their children, but right now I am just hyper sensitive to offhand comments like that. It burns me up inside!
      I am thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay. Wishing you much strength in the days and weeks ahead.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have always avoided showers – wedding and baby. I have always found them to be tedious – I always send a gift but never go. I’m thankful I started that years ago and I complained about how boring they are well before our first loss, so no-one is surprised when I don’t attend. That said, there is no way I’d attend one now!
    I’m impressed you made such an effort and I’m sorry you struggled so much. I am glad your friends were as supportive as they could be.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mamaetmaman says:

    I’m so sorry that you had to endure that. My previous workplace was like that- a whole whack of people my age who had two kids under the age of 5, all bitching about various aspects of being a parent, saying how “lucky” we were to be “DINKs” (double income no kids), free time, etc. Little did they know that we had been trying for over a year, or had multiple miscarriages. It really ate me up inside, and in the end, I had to leave that place and apply for a transfer. I’m so sorry, and I hope that you get your take home baby soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support. It’s never easy – it seems like relationships at home and work are all impacted by our losses. I hope things are better for you now that you have transferred. For me, work is the one place where I feel good (most of the time anyway!)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Mercurial Mom says:

    I fear going to my first shower since losing my babies. I respectfully salute you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mrsaligators says:

    Ugh. That really sucks. I had two baby showers on the same dang day not long after my first loss and I remember feeling like I was in a fog. Watching people open up baby items and gush over children was difficult and I ugly cried the whole way home. You made a great effort in going and you learned new boundaries for yourself. Sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re so strong for going. I grew up in a country without baby showers and have never been to one… I’m sorry that your friends were so insensitive, complaining about their kids, and I’m glad you found some supportive people. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Caroline says:

    I am impressed that you went! I have not been to a baby shower of any kind since Jackson was born. I did not even attend my SIL’s this spring. So I give you mad props for even going. Hoping that soon you will be able to talk with the other mommies!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You’re so strong for going!! I wish I could give you a hug! I completely relate- at my MIL’s no one talks about anything but babies. We even had a family chat group and after A was born I left the group and don’t plan to be in it anytime soon. It’s so hard for me, and I can’t really wrap my mind around the fact that she does it even though her daughter went through something similar as me. I have begun to help myself understand that people don’t do these things to hurt me or to get me- they do it because they can and they love their children! So I just sit there, mute, while my mind wonders off to different places.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hugs are always welcome 🙂 I know nobody meant to upset me, and I knew going into it that this would probably happen. It just stinks that not one person had anything to talk about except babies and their children. I would have been happy to have a one on one with someone about anything while everyone else had their baby talk!
      Anyway, thank you for your support my dear.


  9. Jen says:

    I hate that this has happened to us and now things like baby showers are not just the normal dreadful to people like us. Most people are incredibly bored going to things like showers but to you or I they are so much more. They are a reminder of loved ones lost and current struggles. Theres no possible way of having fun at one. Nevermind when you are sitting with people that just dont get it. To no fault of their own. I’m sure every mother has complained about the kids a fair share but when a grieving mother is sitting at the table it is super insensitive. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. You are a true friend for even trying! That should show your friend how much you love her. I have this type of anxiety over showers ( I havent gone to one yet!) and now just normal dinner with my girl friends. I have 4 friends “trying” right now. Every time im summoned for dinner I want to decline out of fear that one will announce and I know I will not be very supportive.
    Maybe for while decline all showers. I know shes your best friend but the heart ache that comes with baby showers right now is to much. I hope that you were able to leave and find something to keep your head and heart clear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words…. And how very true they are! I am definitely going to be declining shower invitations for the foreseeable future. I thought I was ready but I just wasn’t. And I know what you mean about the anxiety over people announcing – I feel it too. Ugh.
      In any event, after I left I did some retail therapy at Macy’s. The shoe department was calling my name 😉


  10. Krystal says:

    I’m sorry you had to go through that. I have been in similar situations many times, and it doesnt get easier (even now that I’m pregnant). It says a lot about your character and your love for your friend that you went in the first place, and you should be proud of yourself!

    On a side note – the South Park picture at the end made me laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The South Park picture is what inspired the title of the post! I saw it on Twitter, and as soon as I saw it I knew that I had to blog about my experience at the “sprinkle.”
      Anyway, thanks for your support 🙂 I hope you and Baby C are doing well.


  11. victoriaagredo says:

    I havent gone to showers and reveals for years. I used to beat myself up about it, but now I dont. I have to do what I have to do to take care of me!

    Liked by 1 person

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