The best laid plans of mice and men

Called A today. Genetic test results are not back yet; but she did get an email from them last week stating that the results would be released between 11/21 (last Friday) and 11/26 (Wednesday.) Hoping she gets them tomorrow or early Wednesday so I don’t have to wait until after the holiday (Friday) to find out.

An update on O: Unfortunately The Husband and I did not get to adopt him… while L was still recuperating and on the medication we got a call from the shelter. Another family came in and wanted to adopt him. We couldn’t take him right then, because the vet wouldn’t vaccinate L while on the meds, and I didn’t want him to wait indefinitely for when we were able to take him. So he went to another family. I am a little sad that we didn’t get to adopt him, but I am also still glad that he found a family. He didn’t get to come to our home but he did get to go to a home and isn’t at the shelter any longer. That’s really the most important thing. And L, thankfully, seems back to her high spirited self. 

I haven’t been working out the past week as much as I’d like to. Last week I was super busy and had something to do after work every night. This week isn’t so busy, and with the holiday I am hoping I will get some time in at the gym (we are working a half day Wednesday, then Thursday and Friday off.) I am just really not happy with my weight. I am about ten pounds heavier this fall than last fall; and yes, I know I was pregnant twice in the past 12 months, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. We are spending lunch on Thanksgiving with The Husband’s family (at his aunt’s house) then we may go visit my father’s side of my family. My mother is a nurse and is working on the holiday, so we are going to have a Thanksgiving meal with that side of the family on Sunday instead.

I am not looking forward to the holidays. I don’t want to put up our tree this year, or even decorate. Usually I like doing that; even though it’s always been just The Husband and me, it’s always felt so cozy and homey during the holidays. Now I feel like it will be adding insult to injury. Last year I went and bought a whole bunch of holiday movie DVDs on Amazon (Rudolph, Charlie Brown Christmas, etc.) with the expectation that this year I’d be watching them for the first time with my child.

Nope. 

I feel like a Scrooge this year. Or a Grinch. I don’t care to spend time with our families. I don’t care to get gifts. I don’t care to give gifts. I’m buying gifts because that’s what we’re supposed to do, and I’ll go celebrate with family because that’s what we do, but I’d be just as happy and just as well sitting home with The Husband and our pets and eating takeout. I don’t feel like going to church on Christmas Eve with The Husband’s family (a church I don’t even belong to), and seeing all their church friends. I’m honestly feeling really annoyed by all the happy, celebratory people. I would like to be left alone. My heart is two sizes too small this year.

I’ve been wishing for a sign. A sign to let me know what I should do now. Should I call it quits on this whole family business? Should I try again? What should I do? Needless to say I haven’t found this sign. Stopping now would be to protect myself, protect myself from the pain I’ve felt twice before. If someone told me everything would be perfect, and that nothing bad would happen again, I would try again in a heartbeat.

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8 Responses to The best laid plans of mice and men

  1. I can relate to so much of what you said. My twins' first Christmas is this year.. or rather, should have been. The only way I can get through the holidays is to do something for them, so we are donating to the NICU and children's hospital in their names. Other than that…. I'm dreading Christmas. I think it is so hard to get through the holidays knowing that they should have been so much different. There is nothing that says that you have to be happy for the holidays this year, not one thing. I hope that you can get through Christmas though – be kind to yourself, do what you need to do to grieve, and know that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

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  2. myfireflies says:

    I feel like a Grinch too. I've always loved Christmas, but it has always made me sad too… this Christmas might be the saddest I've ever been. I have decided I'm going to put up a small “tree” with ornaments to honor my babies, just so I don't completely lose my Christmas spirit. I too am dreading the Holidays and the happy people and the cheers. I would much rather stay in PJs with my husband for most of the Holidays and probably 2015 too. Hoping you find your sign soon and that you feel better. I'm here if you want to talk…

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  3. The holidays after a loss (or losses) are really brutal. I think it's okay that you're not feeling it. Grinch away, girl! Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these next few weeks. I will be thinking of you and sending you peace.

    And as for trying or not trying again, I think you'll get your sign eventually. Maybe it will be an actual physical sign or maybe you'll just wake up one day and know what the best thing to do is, but I do believe you'll get there. I really do! Xoxo.

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  4. First, sorry to hear that you didn't get O, but glad to hear he is safe and sound with another family.

    Second, I echo what Krystal said above – you do not have to do anything this holiday season or feel any particular way. You should do what feels right to you… and if that is not going all out with your decorations or going to festive parties, then don't! Seriously… you need to take care of you and your marriage and your husband and others will understand. I'll be thinking of you, though, and hope you can get into the spirit a bit since it sounds like you usually love this time of year…

    As for trying again, maybe you have your answer with what you wrote above? There are, of course, no guarantees, but if what you want is a family, you might just have to have faith that things can be different this time. I have spent every day of this pregnancy fearing that something will go wrong, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

    I'll be thinking of you…

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  5. Thank you for your support. I am waiting for that day to come when I wake up and know. It's a very odd feeling, not being sure of my next plan (usually I have a plan for everything!) Oh well.
    I am thinking of you too and your little babes. Sending wishes of strength to you and them and that they keep on growing!!

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  6. Thank you my dear. I hope that you are able to have some peace and experience even a little bit of happiness this holiday season, even if it's just by decorating your “tree.” I know how hard it is and you and I are certainly not alone. Here's to 2014 being over soon and a fresh start for us in 2015! That is one thing I am looking forward to.

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  7. That's such a wonderful gesture, donating to the NICU. I am sure your twins are proud and honored by that, and you'll be helping another family in their time of need. That's really special. I am glad I have a community of support here in the blog-o-sphere, with other women and men that “get it.” I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Thank you for your support and understanding.

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  8. Thank you for your support and kind words. I am trying to just go with how I feel and not try to fight it. Of course, at places like work I have to keep it together, but at home I'm trying to “own my feelings” as they say.
    I am thinking of you too. You must be getting ready to meet your little girl. Hoping that the next few weeks bring you much happiness and go smoothly. =)

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