It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black

So I have been having a really dark couple of days, starting Sunday. I’ve cried every day (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday)…. not today yet. Part of me thinks that perhaps my hormones are rushing around doing their thing and I’ll get my period soon. Part of me thinks maybe I’ve just really gone off the deep end these past few days (although there’s been no particular trigger.) 

If I was going to get my period, that would be a relief. After my first D&E in February it was eight weeks to the day; tomorrow will be five weeks from September’s D&E. It’s really a long time to wait and worry that something could be wrong. At least if I get my period there is some physical closure and the start of a new cycle. I noticed that once I went off the pill last year, in the few cycle’s I’ve had, I had extreme moodiness in the days before my period. So maybe this is good??? I’ve also been having slight slight cramps… none very strong but at least it feels like something is happening. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my ob/gyn situation. I’ve been seeing Dr. S since 2012, and I have no complaints about her care. And I certainly don’t blame or fault her for anything that has happened to me. However the thought of ever walking in to her office again gives me anxiety. A tightness in my chest and clenching stomach. So I’m thinking about switching doctors. Right now I feel like I never want to go to her office again – whether or not I ever get pregnant again, I don’t want to go there even for routine exams. I had the worst two moments of my life there – each time I found out there was an abnormality with my babies. I just can’t fathom going in to that office again without crying or having anxiety. So I’ve been thinking of finding a new doctor because doctor’s office visits can be difficult enough at times without this added anxiety.

I mentioned switching doctors to E, and she said that plenty of people in my situation or similar situations have switched doctors – to start fresh with a clean slate. That’s what I want. Obviously I know that it will only be so “clean” – any new doctor will need to know my history and that  I may need to be handheld through certain situations. And I’ll have to have my records transferred, etc. I do feel nervous about this aspect of switching doctors, because I’ve read other people’s horror stories of having records transferred and I don’t want to have to deal with all of that. And I also feel like, now I’ve been to Tufts twice for these matters, and Dr. S is affiliated with Tufts so the transfer of information between her office, the specialists, genetic counselors, etc. is easy. They all have everything – my blood tests, The Husband’s blood test, the Baby #2’s microarray, my ultrasounds. I feel like that is my whole life that they have and it makes me nervous to move it all somewhere else and start fresh. But when weighing the pros against the cons, the pros seem to greater. 

I do feel kind of sad about this – like I said, I have no complaints about Dr. S or any of the staff at Tufts. I have a lot of respect for Dr. R, who is the doctor who actually performed my D&E procedures. As weird as this sounds I am so very thankful for her – thankful for her expertise and for having the ability to perform these procedures without complication (that we know of!) It is nothing personal against these doctors – it’s just the entirety of what happened, the setting, the memories. I wish I was strong enough to not let this bother me, and to find a way to beat this and continue on with them. But right now I don’t think I am and I don’t know if/when I ever will be. However, if I ever needed to have a D&E again my preference at the moment would be to go back to Dr. R. The vast majority of my anxiety revolves around Dr. S’s office – which isn’t at the hospital, it’s a satellite office. I really don’t have much anxiety when I think of the hospital itself, even though that’s where my procedures were performed. Isn’t it funny how our mind works sometimes?

So, E said if/when I am ready to make a switch she is happy to recommend someone. She has already done a good job with her recommendation for an acupuncturist so I am hoping any ob/gyn recommendation will be just as good.

Speaking of switches, I am also thinking of switching from Blogger to WordPress. I registered for WordPress and transferred my old entries there but then deleted them. I like the privacy options that WordPress offers better than the options Blogger offers. I haven’t decided to make it official yet but I’m thinking about it. Does anyone have any thoughts on the pros/cons between these two platforms?

I also want to take a moment to acknowledge Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight I lit two candles for my two lost babies. Even though their lives were so short I hope they know how much I loved them and how much I miss them now. They are always in the back of my mind and with me every moment of every day. Right now it is too hard for me to think about them with a smile for the happy memories, but I hope that one day I will be able to smile for them. Because I want them to know that I am not always this person that I have been lately and I want to be strong for them and their memory. 

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16 Responses to It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black

  1. ChickinNH says:

    I don't think switching Drs/practices is any indication at all of not being strong enough. I am pretty positive I would do the same exact thing if I find myself in this situation. I had to think long and hard about whether or not to switch after our loss and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. It IS hard and anxiety-inducing being in the same rooms with the same people. The feeling of deja vu just magnifies and contributes to the fear and anxiety. You've already been through that twice. You don't owe it to anyone to put yourself through that same struggle again.

    PS – I hope your period comes soon so you can start a new cycle.

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  2. myfireflies says:

    I bought a gift for me OB and don't think I'll ever be able to give it to him. I don't want to go back to his office either, but I really don't have many choices down here. If it makes you feel more comfortable, do change doctors! Whatever makes your days easier. Thinking of you!

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  3. Mel says:

    After my miscarriage, it was extremely difficult for me to return to my doctor. And when I had a hormonal imbalance and a never-ending period afterwards, I had to have multiple ultrasounds…and they kept taking me back to the same room where I found out that my little one had died. It was excruiating. So I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from and totally support your decision to move. You have to do what is right for you. I'm so sorry these last few days have been so hard on you – I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain your heart is in, how much grief you suffer. But I think of you and I will pray for you, that God will bring peace and understanding and new blessings. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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  4. I think it should be perfectly understandable if you want to switch, given all that happened. I am seeing a different doctor, but he's in the same practice, and it is hard to go back there. Somewhat ironically, the doctor I'm seeing now actually is the one who first told us that my cervix was very short and there was basically nothing they could do – but he's an expert on this issue, a very kind person, and I trust him. I couldn't have gone back to my OB from that time, who kept acting as if everything was going to be fine. Also, fortunately I never had another ultrasound in that particular exam room… Do what feels best for you. I'm sure your doctors will understand.

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  5. Thanks for giving me your thoughts! I thought of maybe switching to a different doctor in her practice, thinking it would be easier because my records wouldn't need to be transferred. But really it's the whole building; I don't want to be there. So I am leaning towards getting the referral and starting elsewhere. I really just think it will be easier on me. I'm glad your doctor is kind and trustworthy… that's so very important when we're trying to start or add to our families…

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  6. Thank you for your understanding and support. I can't imagine being in the ultrasound room there again…. so tough. If only we never had to think about these things! Sending wishes for peace, understanding and blessings right back to you my friend… and a hug. 🙂

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  7. I'm sorry your choices are so limited. That's really a tough spot to be in. Thank you for your support… I am thinking of you too!

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  8. Thanks for your support. I'm leaning towards getting a referral to a new OB. We are just waiting for our microarray results; after that I think I'll make the switch. You're right, I don't owe it to anyone and I think I forgot that! And at acupuncture tonight I mentioned my impatience regarding my period – so we'll see if what we did tonight does the trick and helps speed that up!

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  9. Jen MacKeen says:

    Its funny that I read this post today. Yesterday, I was supposed to have an appointment and I couldn't bring myself to go. I just couldnt. The thought of going into that office just makes my nerves jump around everywhere. Not to mention I had a rought night the night before. I just couldnt deal with it. I have been in the works of switching all of my doctors but with the way our loss happened I was reluctant to switch my gastro doctor (who performed my appendectamy which resulted in my loss) I was reluctant only because all of the wombs were so new and I was afraid that a new doctor wouldnt be able to give me the same advice that a doctor that has seen me through it all would. After yesterday I relized that I was completely wrong and I need to switch. I too go to tufts. My advice to you is to switch. I think it's good to start new. To feel comfortable with your doctor and not going in there with so much added anxiety. To women in our situations doctors are already terrifying without adding on to it. I will not lie, when I requested my medical records it took me 2 months to get them transferred to another general care physician. So my advice is to find a doctor and immediately request your records. Then stay on the medical records office to make sure it gets done timely. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

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  10. Jen MacKeen says:

    Apparently I tried to type so fast I have spelling errors everywhere….Sorry about that

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  11. I always have plenty of errors and usually have to check my entires 2 or 3 times before I find them all. No worries 🙂

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  12. Thanks for your support and your advice. I am leaning heavily towards switching doctors. I don't know when the best time to do it would be; I don't imagine we will be trying again until maybe around the holidays or early next year depending on how quickly my body start regulating itself again. So I don't feel like it's urgent but I want to get it out of the way.
    I totally understand why you would be hesitant to switch your gastro doctor and I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of days 😦
    And, what a small blogging world it is when we both go (went) to Tufts. Most of my appointments were in the Braintree office (the place I never want to go to again) but I did go to the hospital for genetic counseling, procedures, etc.

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  13. Regarding switching doctors, I absolutely recommend doing that. I went more than a year without seeing my ob/gyn and when I went back in I was filled with anxiety and had to use the bathroom to cry before going inside the reception, followed by sobs on the drive home. It was just too much going back to the same place where I received bad news so many times. I'm thinking about you and sending you all of my love. XOXO

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  14. Thank you so much for your support and sharing your experience. Today I pretty much made up my mind to start with a new provider and got a referral 🙂 So I'm looking forward to a fresh start! I hope all is well with you and that you are enjoying your break from the inter-webs. It must be liberating!

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  15. First, here's to your period arriving ASAP. Fingers crossed.

    Second, switching doctors totally makes sense. If it is stressing you out or causing anxiety to go to the office, go for it. Sure, you'll have to explain what has happened to someone else, but that will entail a few awkward and sad minutes, but then it will be over. After L, I couldn't face a number of providers who had been involved with her and before her and it felt nice to start over in some cases. Do what is best for you!

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  16. Thank you for your comment and support, as always!. I've made up my mind to switch providers, and the doctor I was referred to IS accepting new patients so I am ready to make the move. I was actually planning an update post on that later today (or tomorrow if I fall asleep.) 🙂

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