Sleeping Beauty

Alone.

As I go through this experience (again) I feel alone. Not so much lonely but alone.

Since February I’ve basically isolated myself from my friends. I don’t want to open up to them because there isn’t anything they can do. And I don’t want to be perceived as “weak.” I don’t feel like I have anything in common with them any longer. The majority of them all have at least one living child. I don’t. Some of them are on their second. And they all do things with the other people that have children, because, they all have that in common and the kids entertain each other. I don’t have that to share with them. And they haven’t had losses like I have to share with me. So I just don’t bother calling, or texting, and sometimes don’t even return their texts. They don’t make an effort and neither do I. And if they did call or text and invite me out, I’m not sure I would go. I feel so very different inside then what I was. I don’t know how to be this person with people who are expecting that old person.

So this has left me alone.

I actually don’t feel this way at work. At work I am busy, and there are no children around, and the majority of my friends at work don’t have children. We have our jobs in common. 

I just feel sad today. Sad for the hope and happiness The Husband and I felt this time last year, it’s just about one year since we conceived Baby #1. I miss Baby #1. I miss the excitement. I miss the few times I did feel kicks in the week before I lost Baby #1. I miss the way I felt, now I realize I won’t ever feel that way again. I know I’ve asked this a million times and there is no answer, but why? Why were you sick? Why did you have to be “incompatible with life?” Why couldn’t we fix you? Why am I left here without you? Why, why, why did this happen to your sibling? Are you together? Do you see me and see how much I miss you? Are you embarrassed because your mother is a sad, sad mess?

I always feel a million times worse when I think of other people and how they have what I want. Like somehow they are better than me, they are all in this “club” and I will never be there. I feel like I will always be on this side, the alone side, the “child free” side. And we will never get past this chasm. I should just stop comparing myself to others, right? And it’s not so much I compare myself to them, except in this one way. I don’t compare jobs, or money, or cars. It’s just this one thing. Getting rid of Facebook helped to curb that tendency, but it doesn’t go away. They are all together, with their happy children, having a grand old time. And I am here. Alone.

In general I don’t always feel this way. I had my second acupuncture this past Thursday and it went well. Much quicker than the first. I have been eating my local eggs, and visiting the farm stand more often for fresh fruit. I have been going to the gym. Trying to get back into some semblance of the routine I had when I was the “old me.” It feels like Groundhog Day. Here I am – physically the same place as last fall. Here I am – emotionally the same place as March when I was grieving Baby #1 (except now I have two to grieve.) Sometimes I want to quit and curl up in a little ball – to be left alone, forever. Maybe be like Sleeping Beauty, go to sleep for 100 years. Everything will be different when I wake up. 

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14 Responses to Sleeping Beauty

  1. MEL says:

    I'm so sorry. Sending you tons of hugs today. XO

    Mel @ thereisahigherhope

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  2. myfireflies says:

    Im sorry you're feeling down. I understand completely where youre coming from- I'm in that place myself. I too feel alone. I too want to go to sleep and wake up 100 years from now. I too wish to be part of their club. Instead I'm stuck in the same place and part of a club that really sucks, the -I'm babyless and hurt and feel like I'll never move on- club. I have so many questions and yet no one can answer them. Wishing you feel better soon. Sending hugs to you today. ❤

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  3. myhopejar says:

    I'm so sorry hon. I know how you feel. I had such a hard time relating to my friends with kids (still do). I'm glad you have your friends at work. Continuing to think about you and your angels. Big hug hon.

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  4. Jen MacKeen says:

    I'm sorry that you felt so alone yesterday. I think it was something in the air this weekend. I saw so many posts on facebook of new babies, pregnancies, kids doing fun things like apple picking and to top it off my husband and I had promised my brother and sister in law that we would watch their little girl for the weekend. It was a great weekend. We had so much fun but, then it came time to leave her. I had to be reminded that she's not ours and we dont have a living little girl. So as we drove away, watching her little hand pressed on the window, I cried the whole way home. I think that will probably be the last time I babysit for a while. I couldnt tell my sister in law or my brother in law that, as I really love our niece, but boy was it hard to go home to an empty house. Then realize like you did, that even when I do try again, nothing will be the same. No pregnancy I have will be carefree. It will all be full of worries. I wish we could all turn back time and change the moment that it all went wrong, that our lives changed. oh, how I wish that was possible.

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  5. Jen MacKeen says:

    I hit send before I got to talk about friends….I have wonderful friends but, like you I feel like Kevin and I are in a completely different place. We have a mixed group of friends. We have some married that are all working on baby number 2 (like 5 couples) and we have other friends that are all perfectly happy being single and never having kids. They just dont want that life. Then, theres Kevin and I. Somewhere in this grey middle. The place that is married and truly wants nothing more than to finally be in group number 1 but find ourselves closer to group number 2. Dont get me wrong. We love both groups of friends. But it's equally hard to relate to any of them. I find myself clinging more and more to Kevin. Which I swore I would never be the women who couldnt do anything without her husband. But, I find him being my safe place, my safety net. So I guess what I am trying to say is your not alone. Your best friend is right beside you, feeling all the same pain you are.

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  6. Thank you…. I hope you are doing well….

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  7. Thank you… I think of you often and hope you are feeling well and your recovery is going well.

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  8. Thank you.. hugs to you too and your growing little man.

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  9. I am so sorry you had such a tough weekend too. It's so hard when you want to feel happy for others but inside you are so desperately sad for yourself. Sending you hugs

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  10. I know what you mean about clinging… for the longest time I was so afraid whenever The Husband went off – whether it was golfing, to the store, to work… I was so afraid something would happen. I still think about things like that often but it has subsided. You're right, at least we have each other…

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  11. ChickinNH says:

    I completely know what you mean about feeling alone and not having the energy or drive to try to bridge that gap again. It just doesn't feel worth it to me anymore. I wonder if it will again down the road or not. I am not the same person I was before my loss and my friends expect me to still be that person. They don't understand and I don't have the energy to try to make them understand. Instead, I am alone. I totally get it. Sending you a hug. And as I light my candle tonight I will think of you and your little ones as well.
    PS: Hope you don't mind if I add your blog to my stalker list! 🙂

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  12. Thanks for your support… and I don't mind being on your “stalker list”, I have added you to my reading list too 🙂

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  13. So sorry to hear you are feeling so terrible and sad. The isolation from people can just be horrible and hanging out with friends who don't get it is possibly worse than just being alone. Maybe for now just getting back into a routine is the most you can hope for? For the first few months after we lost L, I counted just getting through the day to be a victory. If I didn't cry at work, that was a huge victory. Look at you – you are exercising and trying to eat healthy and maybe that is all you can ask for right now?

    I am sorry to hear your friends aren't more empathetic, even if they can't “get” it. And I hope that when you start to feel more like yourself, they will be there and understand (as they should). In the meantime, hang in there. Sending you a big hug.

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  14. Thank you so much for your words of support. I think last week the hormones were raging – I already feel much better and not so down in the dumps. Thank you

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