Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn’t

The past few days have been really tough. Starting with Monday; I don’t know why this was such a bad day, nothing in particular happened. I went for a 2.5 mile walk during my lunch hour with N; I ate healthy throughout the day. But I have just been in a funk. I just feel very… low. I wake up feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed; I didn’t want to go to work; I didn’t want to see people and have to “fake it” all day.  That mood hasn’t left me yet.

Last night I went to a support group meeting. It was our last “official meeting” with the counselor, as we’d been meeting for six months (since March.) One of the girls couldn’t attend the meeting, so it was just three of us and the counselor. The two girls that were there with me are pregnant; one due at the end of this month, and the other due early next year (she is two weeks ahead of what I would be with Baby #2.) It was hard because I feel like the other girls are in different places than we were when we met; not that they are “over it” (because you can’t ever be “over it”) but they aren’t in that deep dark place. I am again. So it was sort of hard to be thinking that this is our last meeting, and look how much progress we’ve made, when I feel like… I’ve made no progress. Everyone was wonderfully supportive, and assured me that I’d grown since our first meeting, and I was strong, etc. etc. But it didn’t stop the tears. And the hurt. I left there emotionally drained. I really did not want to go, but The Husband thought it would be good for me since it would be the first time I’ve seen them since we lost Baby #2. We’ve emailed, and two of the girls sent me gifts of support, but hadn’t seen them. I am so thankful for them, and nobody else may ever understand my feelings except for those three. 

I’d been feeling so much lately like I just want to forget; I want to wake up one morning and not remember the past year. Give me a lobotomy. Do whatever, but just make me forget. And then I feel guilty; I never want to forget my babies. They existed. They are two souls. I am their mother, and if I don’t remember them, who will? Don’t they at least deserve for me to think about them, for me to remember them? But all it does is cause such hurt and pain and sadness.

Also I’ve been vacillating between whether or not we should try again. It is too soon to even be thinking about this; I haven’t had one period since the D&E, never mind two. And we don’t have the microarray results. But how can I not think about it? I don’t know how to not think about it. On the one hand, Monday and Tuesday I had been thinking “definitely not.” Then today I started thinking, “well, maybe,” and I feel certain that my baby is out there and I will meet that soul. I had been emailing with my friend K, and she suggested that maybe I needed a break from it all and all the pressure, and that a break would give me time to clear my head. But I am worried that if I take a break I will miss my chance. I already have an imposed break of at least two months while I wait for two cycles to pass. I just don’t want something to happen during a break that would halt all of my plans and prevent us from trying again. I had this vision of what motherhood would be for me, and our life, and what it would look like. Waiting much longer isn’t what it looked like. 

And what if I try again, and something even worse happens next time? My luck is obviously non-existent. I know that, as terrible as what happened is, there are situations that could be much, much worse physically and emotionally. I am terrified that something worse will happen if I am successful in getting pregnant again. That something even worse will happen to punish me for trying again even after losing two babies, for me being stupid enough to try again.

I just hope things start to feel a little better soon. I don’t need to be happy all day every day, I just want to feel better than this. I want to not feel like a zombie and have circles under my eyes. I want to  recognize some part of the “old me” in this “new me.”