I’ve had a lot of thoughts percolating in my head lately. Some of them are fleeting, some of them get stuck with me.
- Of course I’m glad that our karotype testing came back normal. If the microarray results come back normal, am I just to believe that the world is really THAT unfair? A part of me was almost expecting to get some sort of bad news from the results – that something would be wrong/abnormal. That there would be some sort of reason. The alternative is just to believe my luck is really that crappy and the world is really that cruel. Is there any other testing I should be pushing for? I know I need to be my own best advocate but I don’t even know the right questions to ask. And I feel like I am just going to be told – “Try again.”
- I was sitting with The Husband Friday night. We were watching an old 90210 rerun, eating takeout. Our pets were laying on the couch with us. Then I thought, if this is all there is, if this is all I get – is it so bad? From the outside it doesn’t look so bad – good jobs, a roof over our heads, relatively good health (save for our pregnancy losses.) Is there anything wrong with our life? No, except for the two babies we have lost.
- If we never get pregnant again, if we never try again, and if we never have a child, can I be happy? I don’t know. Right now I don’t know. I’d like to think that I could, but I can’t live with the fear of hearing a pregnancy announcement, seeing a baby bump or seeing a newborn. Right now I fear those things because I don’t know how I will react. Anger, sadness, ambivalence. Never really happiness or excitement any longer. Living happy doesn’t mean living in fear of other people’s happiness, at least not to me. If I have to live in fear for the rest of my life over hearing of someone else’s pregnancy or seeing pregnant women then no, I will not be happy if I never try again and eventually have a healthy baby.
- And of course I have those thoughts – “Losing two babies – this must be a sign that I am not meant to be a mother!” “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” “Third time’s the charm” “Three strikes, you’re out.” Some of these thoughts conflict each other. And they all enter my mind at various points of any given day. At some moments one thought makes so much sense, then another moment it makes no sense. Some moments I believe that we WILL have a healthy happy baby, and the next I think of course it cannot happen so I shouldn’t bother trying.