Oy with the poodles already

I’ve had a lot of thoughts percolating in my head lately. Some of them are fleeting, some of them get stuck with me. 

  • Of course I’m glad that our karotype testing came back normal. If the microarray results come back normal, am I just to believe that the world is really THAT unfair? A part of me was almost expecting to get some sort of bad news from the results – that something would be wrong/abnormal. That there would be some sort of reason. The alternative is just to believe my luck is really that crappy and the world is really that cruel. Is there any other testing I should be pushing for? I know I need to be my own best advocate but I don’t even know the right questions to ask. And I feel like I am just going to be told – “Try again.”
  • I was sitting with The Husband Friday night. We were watching an old 90210 rerun, eating takeout. Our pets were laying on the couch with us. Then I thought, if this is all there is, if this is all I get – is it so bad? From the outside it doesn’t look so bad – good jobs, a roof over our heads, relatively good health (save for our pregnancy losses.) Is there anything wrong with our life? No, except for the two babies we have lost. 
  • If we never get pregnant again, if we never try again, and if we never have a child, can I be happy? I don’t know. Right now I don’t know. I’d like to think that I could, but I can’t live with the fear of hearing a pregnancy announcement, seeing a baby bump or seeing a newborn. Right now I fear those things because I don’t know how I will react. Anger, sadness, ambivalence. Never really happiness or excitement any longer. Living happy doesn’t mean living in fear of other people’s happiness, at least not to me. If I have to live in fear for the rest of my life over hearing of someone else’s pregnancy or seeing pregnant women then no, I will not be happy if I never try again and eventually have a healthy baby. 
  • And of course I have those thoughts – “Losing two babies – this must be a sign that I am not meant to be a mother!” “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” “Third time’s the charm” “Three strikes, you’re out.” Some of these thoughts conflict each other. And they all enter my mind at various points of any given day. At some moments one thought makes so much sense, then another moment it makes no sense. Some moments I believe that we WILL have a healthy happy baby, and the next I think of course it cannot happen so I shouldn’t bother trying. 
On the health/fitness front, I went back to the gym yesterday. I’m embarrassed by how much stamina I lost. Running on the treadmill was tough. The free weights weren’t bad, but my legs are very sore today from squats. And I only did two reps of 15, so, yeah, I need to get my act together. Today I did “Yoga-lates”, which is a mixture of Pilates and Yoga (mostly Pilates.) As for eating, yesterday I did really well all day until dinner for my grandmother’s birthday (we ended up going to an Italian restaurant and I had chicken parm with ice cream cake for dessert.) Today I did good, with the exception of a chicken sandwich and french fries for lunch (The Husband and I went out for lunch and shopping.) Then we went and had a cupcake for dessert. I also went to the Fall Harvest Festival at our local church to get some pumpkins and mums to decorate our front steps. It seems odd to be decorating for fall when it was 85 degrees today, but, that’s New England for you.
 
So now another week starts. Another week of waiting for my cycle to return, to try and get back to “normal” (at this point, I don’t even know what that is), another week to try and curb my anxiety that the sky isn’t going to fall. Another week without my babies.
 
As I write this I’m watching Dirty Dancing – somehow it escaped me until this evening that the Houseman mother is none other than Emily Gilmore! I loved the Gilmore Girls and somehow I never put that together. 
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8 Responses to Oy with the poodles already

  1. Oh, the Gilmore Girls. I loved that show, too.

    I remember saying to my husband at the end of January that I didn't think I would be happy again unless/until I was pregnant again. And I was worried that would never happen and that I'd never be happy again. All of the things you mention thinking above seem totally normal to me… hang in there and don't think for one second that losing your two babies means you aren't meant to be a mother. It is absolutely the cruelest turn of events, but it doesn't mean anything about you.

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  2. Mel says:

    I drove myself crazy for six months after my miscarriage last year. I had all the same thoughts as you, and even though I was already lucky enough to have been blessed with one child, I was worried that I had waited too long and that something had gone wrong with my body. I wondered if I could ever be happy again without another sucessful pregnancy. It was torture hearing pregnancy news and seeing pregnant bellies everywhere. I totally get where you're coming from and my heart goes out to you 100 and ten percent. It all just seems so unfair and there are no answers, but you are strong and resilient and I know you will try again when you are ready. Don't be so hard on yourself for enjoying your weekend and eating some sweet treats. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered – enjoying some time with your hubby and your family. Always thinking of you. XO

    Mel @ thereisahigherhope

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  3. Thank you for your support… ❤

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  4. myhopejar says:

    Oh hon, my heart goes out to you. I had those same thoughts. Its so hard not to, but I truly believe you are meant to be a mom and you will have your take home baby one day (hopefully soon). I know trying again without any real answers is daunting. I felt the same way, but for me in the end, I had to keep going because the alternative was far scarier. Sending you strength hon.

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  5. Thank you much for your words and wisdom… I'm hoping you are right.

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  6. myfireflies says:

    These are my thoughts exactly. My baby's karyotype and mine came back normal too. We are now waiting on the microarray and were told that these could come back normal as well. Not having answers is the worst part of the process. I had a doctor tell me I should be more “cautious” in my next pregnancy. What could I have possibly done wrong for this to happen? Others simply call it bad luck. And it really sucks that I have to hear this from professionals.

    I truly believe we are meant to be mothers (to living children, because we both are mothers to our angels).

    Thank you for your support and for following my journey.

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  7. I hear you completely. I was told, with regard to the microarray, that it might come back “inconclusive” and we might not get anything meaningful back from those results anyway. But, I figured it was worth a shot. With my first baby we did NO testing so I have no idea if there was any chromosomal abnormality with him/her.
    And I am curious about what your doctor means by being “cautious”.. certainly you did NOTHING wrong and you and your baby didn't deserve this. The only thing I was told was to take a higher dosage of folic acid, as that can prevent recurrences of anencephaly. I wish I had been on the higher dosage to begin with, but they said it is “so rare” they don't recommend every pregnant woman take a higher dose because the general population doesn't need it. Ha! So you have to lose a baby before finding out you need it I guess. Grrrrr!

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