Ride me a southbound, All the way to Georgia, now, Till the train, it run out of track

Today is my last day off before returning to work. I return to work tomorrow, Thursday, and I figured it would be easier that way to return for two days (Thursday and Friday), then have a weekend off, then go back for a full week. Next week I actually have a conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday in Rhode Island with my boss, so those two days I won’t be in the office and will only be in the office Wednesday – Friday next week.

The Husband thought it would be a good idea for me to get out of the house. Getting out and doing stuff, keeping himself busy, helps him deal. He thought I should try the same. So I picked up the laptop and am siting at Panera. He thought going to the beach with the dog would be good, and normally I would too, but I just didn’t feel like driving 45 minutes to get to the beach. It’s already cooling off around here and to be honest, our dog isn’t a big beach fan. She’ll walk with me but is afraid of the water. After about ten minutes she’ll start crying.

As for returning to work, I am honestly sort of dreading it. For the past ten days my house has been my sanctuary. I’ve laid in bed and cried each morning, with my dog jumping on the bed to curl up next to me. I’ve kept the drapes closed so the room stays cool and dark. The dog has been my constant companion – following me around the house, letting me cry in her fur, licking salty tears off my face, and sometimes staring at me so intently I feel like she is trying to send me a message. I am going to wake up tomorrow and she isn’t going to be there – typically she goes with my husband each day to work (he works for a family business and the pet policy is flexible to say the least.) So tomorrow I will wake up alone. Sure, the cat is there, but she’s usually doing her own thing. I am going to miss her and the safety and comfort of my house, my things, and being free to cry or be angry or zone out. Honestly almost every morning I’ve woken up in the morning, cried, got out of bed and made some tea, then sat in front of the TV for hours. Then all of a sudden it’s noon or one in the afternoon. I have been eating, but haven’t had much of an appetite. E (the perinatal/grief counselor who runs my support group) mentioned that I need to stay hydrated. Staying hydrated is important. So I’ve been drinking herbal teas and water, and I’ve also allowed myself some soda because I really just wanted it.

E also recommended a local acupuncturist that she has worked with in the past with success. So yesterday I spoke with her. I really felt like she “got it” on the phone when I shared what has happened over the past few months and my feelings. The bummer is that, of course, this isn’t covered so I have to pay out of pocket. It’s really not that big of a deal – The Husband and I make enough money and have saved enough that this isn’t’ really going to have much of an impact on our finances. I realize I am incredibly lucky to be able to say that – many people are not in this position financially and wouldn’t be able to pursue this. But I am going to give it a shot, because I feel like at this point if it helps me emotionally and helps me get my cycles regular than this can only be a good thing. I am worried that it will somehow do something bad that makes it harder for us to get pregnant (since apparently getting pregnant is the only part that comes easy for us), but E’s advice was that it couldn’t hurt and could only make it even easier. So, I made a call this morning to officially schedule my first visit and am waiting to hear back.

It’s really hard to be motivated for work when I don’t really care about any of it right now. I want a family. I want to make myself better, and ready, and prepared. I want to work on the next step for that goal (whatever it may be.) I don’t want to think about Balance Sheets and trade reports and insurance. I’ll do it, because that’s what I’m paid to do and typically I really like my job, but right now I really just want to focus on my family. Getting test results, finding out the next step, doing whatever I can to try and prevent these terrible things from happening to me a third time. We were told the genetic test results can take 4-6 weeks, and I know there is nothing to do until then except take my vitamins and try to get better mentally and get in good shape physically. So really there is nothing for me to do except work, unless I want to sit home and cry everyday and be a TV zombie. I’m just so afraid the results are going to come back and show something that stops us in our tracks. I’m so afraid we are going to be told there is no hope.