Tell Me Something Good

So this week hasn’t been the best of weeks. 

First, I had a bad dream the other night about my first pregnancy, or rather, the aftermath of that loss. My emotions and feelings in the dream were so vivid. They were the same emotions that I had immediately following the loss – the raw anger, sadness, confusion, etc. etc. etc. I was screaming and crying and pounding my fists. In my dream I could feel it. I could feel the pain. This is the first real time, that I remember, that I’ve had a dream about this. 

Second, this week was six months since that loss. I hadn’t really been thinking about it, or counting down, until all of a sudden it was here. I wrote in an earlier entry how I had been counting the weeks and couldn’t stop. That kind of subsided as time wore on and then BAM – six months this week. I feel like time and life for me stopped that day. Sure I’ve done things, and gone on vacation, and spent time with friends, but instead of moving forward I feel like I’m grinding gears. Or in neutral. I won’t talk about it really with anyone, and The Husband and I don’t bring it up much anymore to each other, but it’s always in the back of my mind. It’s always this thought in my head, this feeling I have, that never goes away. No matter what I do it’s there – at work, at home. I’m working, and going through life, and visiting people and spending time with people but I feel like I’m not REALLY. Sort of like, it is the Robot Me doing all that. The Fake Me. I know that I am forever changed and I will never be the person I was before February 24th. But this New Me feels like a shell sometimes. 

Third, The Husband’s friends had their son today. I can’t recall if I’ve ever posted about them before, but they aren’t my favorite people in the world. In fact, I don’t really like them at all. The only thing I have in common with them is The Husband. And at this point in life he doesn’t have much in common with them other than a shared history from 10+ years ago. He said he can’t stop being friends with them because they’ve been friends so long. Anyway, the topic came up over the weekend about visiting them (they had a scheduled C-Section so it was no surprise when the baby would arrive). My stance was and is NO. I don’t like them, I don’t want to “Ooh and Aah” over a baby, or be around babies. And they did not reach out to me after we lost our baby to say they were sorry or offer condolences. They congratulated me when we announced our pregnancy, yet did not even send a text, or call me, or Facebook message me when we lost that baby. I honestly had some very awful thoughts today when I found out the baby was born, thoughts I hadn’t had since immediately following the loss. Things like “Why was it me? Why wasn’t it them?” or “They don’t even take care of themselves! They are lazy, overweight people who eat fried food all day yet their egg and sperm can make a healthy baby, theirs should be messed up because they don’t even exercise or stay healthy!” and even “What a dumb name they chose.” To me these range from petty to mean and I don’t like this side of myself.  I had to go to the ladies room at one point this afternoon because I was in tears.

I know the topic of loss is difficult for people. Some people don’t know what to say and it can be awkward. I get that. But if you “love” and “care” about us as much as you claim to (apparently they haven’t quite caught on to the fact I don’t like them), then you find a way. It doesn’t have to be long or eloquent. And I am very very aware of who reached out to me after the loss and who didn’t. Rightly or wrongly it is pretty much burned in my brain who called, who texted, who wrote or sent a card and who did not.

The Husband tonight said – “Why do you feel so bad about all this? Things are going well with the current pregnancy.” I wanted to scream and yell at him. This pregnancy doesn’t make up for the baby we lost. This pregnancy doesn’t erase the pain I felt and obviously still feel. There is a part of our family and a part of my heart that is gone. And I know he didn’t mean it to sound like it did. I know he was trying to look at the positive. And, as he pointed out, I wanted this new pregnancy and I got it. I should be looking forward, and being thankful for this new chance. And deep down I am. Real deep down. But the fear and worry does a real good job of keeping it deep down.  

I want to be happy, and excited, and hopeful. I want the innocence I had with my first pregnancy. I want to want to tell people and share the news. 

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3 Responses to Tell Me Something Good

  1. myhopejar says:

    Big hug hon. No matter how prepared we are for these “anniversaries”, they still have a way of blindsiding us. After I lost my son Holdon, I went through the motions just as you describe and I too felt like a shell of my former self. It was only after seeing a grief counselor that I finally started to deal with it and truly feel more like my old self again. My husband and i went together. I did most of the talking, but I think it really helped him too, and I think it was important for him to know what I was really feeling and thinking. Perhaps it might be something you and your husband could do and it might help you both as you continue with this new pregnancy too. This new baby will never replace the one you lost. That is absolutely true, but it's okay to feel joy for this new life you created too. I know how hard it is to not compare the two and worry constantly of history repeating itself and also feel guilt, but you deserve to be happy. As for feeling anger and even having hateful thoughts towards these “friends” of your husband's, that is completely normal hon and you are not alone in having them. I have had them for complete strangers while out shopping and seeing bad parents mistreating their children, and on my darkest days even for people I even care about. There is no rhyme or reason to why our babies couldn't make it and others can. I wish knew the answer to that too. Big hug to you hon. Know you are not alone and it's okay to feel everything you feel. You've been through so much and you now have the added hormones on top of it all.

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  2. Thank you for your kind words. It really helps to hear that it's normal to have these feelings and to have support from other strong, wonderful women who really “get it.”

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  3. Pingback: Weird Mother-To-Be Behaviors | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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