It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I haven’t had too much to say, as I haven’t had an appointment with Dr. S since the July 21st, and my next appointment is next week (less than a week away, finally!) I’ve been feeling okay- the most prominent symptom is the fatigue. I’ve had bouts of morning sickness, but not every day and not all day. It kind of comes and goes. I’m thankful it hasn’t been consistent, but also nervous because during my first pregnancy the morning sickness was a lot more prominent – for weeks, all day (although I vomited only twice), all day queasiness. Right now it’s relatively calm (knock on wood). I have been taking Vita-Fusion gummy prenatal vitamins, and the thought of the taste of them makes me want to puke sometimes. I’d rather be swallowing a horse pill. But I’m going to finish them because I bought them and I hate wasting money.

Obviously I’m dealing with anxiety, fear, etc. etc. I feel guilty that I can’t be more excited about this pregnancy, but everything was “fine” last time until 19 weeks when it all went to crap. So no matter what the doctor says next week I still can’t let my guard down until I come back from the anatomy scan with an all clear, or whatever the good version of the scan may be. Even then I will still be nervous I’m sure. But I would never want my child to know or think I wasn’t excited for their arrival or that I was having him or her; its just really hard for me right now. Last time I kept a journal and took belly pictures and I haven’t even considered it this time. I’m sure down the line, if everything goes as it should and in March I am welcoming my baby into this world, that I’ll regret not having those things to memorialize this time in my life. But it’s very hard for me to think about doing that because I’m afraid it will end badly.

But I am happy that I’ll be having an exam and ultrasound next week. Hopefully the ultrasound goes well. The Husband might not be able to make it so I am debating asking a friend to go with me. I was considering asking M, but right now she doesn’t know I’m pregnant. The only friends who know are K and N (my best work girl). I told N last week stating – “I don’t want any reaction, and no excitement, and no questions, but I just want to tell you I’m pregnant. Please don’t react.” She understood why I asked this and said we can talk about it whenever I’m ready but she’s glad I told her. I am too, because I see her every day and although she is a “work friend” I still consider her a very good friend. 
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5 Responses to 8w5d

  1. myhopejar says:

    I completely understand how you feel. I'm hoping you can find the balance to also enjoy this along the way, though I know how hard it is when you're constantly living in fear of something going wrong. I'm terrified of our anatomy scan on Monday, so I totally get it. It's funny though, I didn't think I could bring myself to take belly pics and document everything, but then I kept seeing some of the the other ladies on here doing it and changed my mind, and now I'm happy that I've been doing it. You may or may not change your mind and that's okay. You'll know when you're ready. I will be sending you lots of positive thoughts next week. I hope everything is just perfect with your little one. Will you do the MaterniT21 test? It doesn't rule everything out, but I know for me, it really gave me some peace of mind and it's done at around 10 weeks so you get some reassurance earlier than the anatomy scan. The best part is it's just a blood test so it's completely safe for baby.


  2. Thanks for your thoughts my friend. Dr. S and I are going over my options for testing/screening at the appointment the week – NT, MaterniT21, etc. So hopefully I will have more information and a decision on all of that shortly. I plan to have any non-invasive testing/screening that I can, that is covered. Just for my own sanity.
    I will be thinking of you Monday and can't wait to read your next update. xoxo.


  3. myhopejar says:

    Thanks hon. The scan is this afternoon. I will post an update when I get back. I'm starting to get so anxious! I will be thinking about you on Thursday too. I really hope the MaterniT21 test is covered with your insurance. That test really helped ease my mind a lot.


  4. Thinking of you and I hope you get goods news at your appointment and that the MaterniT21 is covered. My understanding is that depending on how the docs code the test, they can get it covered so I hope you can finagle that somehow.

    I lost my little girl at 26 weeks and even now and can relate to how you feel about letting your guard down. I think it must be rare to feel any other way when pregnant after a loss. Just take care of you and I hope there are some moments you can enjoy in the midst of the anxiety and worry.


  5. Thank you kindly, as always for your well wishes. I am anxious for this appointment and to see the little babe Thursday. It will be one hurdle down, and more to come. I will be pressing for whatever testing/screening I can get and will be sure to update on how those conversations go.


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