Time won’t let me go

So my last entry was about M and her pregnancy and my feelings about that. I didn’t write much about my weekend beach getaway, so here it is!

Really I had a lovely time. I drove up to the beach on Saturday morning, with a stop on the way at a new shopping center that has my favorite summer store, Vineyard Vines. The ride to the beach takes about two hours, throw in a shopping trip and it took three hours. No biggie. 
My family had two houses rented, and my grandparents best friends and their family had two houses, so there were four houses to bounce around. I stayed in my grandparents house with my father. My grandmother really tried to make sure I had everything I wanted/needed – usually my younger cousins stay in her house, but they weren’t joining the family until later in the week (after I left) so I was the only grandchild she had there in her house (two of my other cousins were staying with their parents in the second house.) It was nice to be taken care of! Each morning my aunt and I went for a three mile run in the morning before breakfast. You can’t really beat the view of running with the Atlantic as your scenery. My grandmother made breakfast for us in her house- eggs, sausage, toast, etc. Then we’d head to the beach for the day, which was about a one minute walk from the houses. We come back to the house for lunch then head back to the beach. One day we had sandwiches, the second we walked to the boardwalk for pizza. At night we have a group dinner – the first night my grandparents took our family out to a restaurant on the boardwalk. The second night there was clam boil (UGH! Not my favorite but my grandmother brought me chicken breasts to grill instead and made me a salad!) The third night we had a traditional cookout (cheeseburgers, chicken wings, corn on the cob). All in all it was a great weekend getaway and I am glad I went.
The first night I had a couple of glasses of wine as we sat on one of the porches listening to the waves and chatting about life.  Sunday morning there is a Catholic Mass in my aunt’s house – one of my grandparent’s friend’s sons is a Franciscan Friar and he has a quick Mass every Sunday morning when we go. Although I am not a practicing Catholic I still attended. It’s what we do when we are there. Everyone goes. I don’t participate in the prayers, or cross myself, or take the Eucharist. But I go and listen and can appreciate the mass and the messages. 
Before an early morning run.
The view from our family friend’s house, right on the beach.



So how am I feeling? Better than Tuesday. I still haven’t talked to The Husband about it, but he knows. He casually mentioned today that he spoke with M. I played it casual, “Oh yeah?” He said yes, they talked about how sad it was that we weren’t going on our group trip to Martha’s Vineyard this year (M and her husband are one of the couples that join us when we rent the house each summer). “That’s nice” I said. Obviously I knew there was more than that. I knew he knew that they are pregnant, and he knew I knew, but neither of us said it. And I was right. 
Now, I know this is really a terrible thing to do, and I know I am a crazy wife and what I did was very wrong. BUT, I know that M’s communication method of choice is text. I also know the password to The Husband’s iCloud account (I was the one that created it for him). So, and I am ashamed to admit this, I logged in to this account to read the messages. I tried to justify it by saying “Well, they wouldn’t even be friends if it weren’t for me! And if we broke up M would go with me, not him!” and “I know they were talking about me, and I have a right to know what they said!”. I am really quite terrible and there is no excuse for this. I am ashamed of this. I didn’t read any other messages except those between them. And yes, she asked if I had told him that they were pregnant. No, he replied, I hadn’t. Then it went from there with her asking how I really truly was, and if he thought I would feel comfortable anytime soon with children/pregnant people, because she was showing already and she didn’t want me to avoid her and she wanted us to remain close friends and see each other.  She said she didn’t want to tell me, and I was crying and she felt terrible. She never wanted to upset me, I am her best friend and she hopes I will be okay with seeing her. Then he said he would call her and I am assuming they chatted on the phone after that.

I am really really terrible. I just couldn’t stand the thought of them talking about me behind my back. Even though I knew it wasn’t like they were talking bad about me, or saying nasty things, or judging me. I still just felt that I wanted to know. 

To be honest I don’t feel as angry or sad about it today. I still feel angry and sad, but I also feel jealous, left out and bitter. During her last pregnancy she texted me all the time with belly pics, updates from her doctor, etc. Now she probably won’t do any of that. I am not going to be part of it this time and it makes me sad. It makes me feel lost a little. 

This whole experience has made me feel lost. I liken it to being stranded on a deserted island. I have food and water and a roof over my head on this island, and everything I need for survival, but there are no other residents. Maybe some visitors from time to time, but they all leave eventually. They stay for a day, or an hour, to see what it’s like then they are off back to the mainland and I am still on my little deserted island. I can see them all on the mainland but I can’t get there.

So, I hope you all aren’t judging me. I am certainly not proud of snooping around. BUT I have to hold myself accountable, and writing it in this blog and getting it out there is my way of holing myself accountable. 

Until next time.
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2 Responses to Time won’t let me go

  1. myhopejar says:

    Oh hon, you are not a bad person, and I for one am definitely not judging you. It's completely understandable that you would want to know what they talked about, especially since you weren't even ready to talk about it with your husband yet, and she went ahead and talked to him behind your back. I know she did it because she's worried about you, but it would still bother me too.

    I'm so glad you had a relaxing time at the beach and that you got some very much deserved pampering, and I'm so glad you're a little better today. Sending you a huge hug.


  2. Pingback: Beach Vacation & Holiday Weekend | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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