I’m just see through faded, super jaded and out of my mind

My beach weekend vacation was fun, until the ride home.

My best friend M called me to tell me she is 11 weeks pregnant with her second child.

She wanted to tell me in person, but I’ve been super great at avoiding everyone in my life so haven’t seen her since Memorial Day weekend. She knew then but didn’t want to tell me as it was very early. She said she didn’t know how to tell me and was nervous, but was just going to say it, and she knows things are still hard for me but wanted me to hear it from her since she told her family this past weekend and didn’t want to avoid me. I think she may have even apologized at some point, for what I don’t know. She said she didn’t want this to come between us and she loved me. After we hung up she sent me a text again telling me she loved me and I still haven’t responded. Does this make me a bad friend?

I knew this was coming, I knew they were trying. I can’t describe all the feelings I had, all while trying not to drive off a bridge or into oncoming traffic on the two hour ride home from the beach. 

So apparently I am such a burden that people are nervous about telling me things. Am I really that pitiful that you need to apologize and be nervous? If I’m such a fucking burden then leave me alone. Do people pity me? When did I become a sad person that needed to be pitied?

I haven’t even told The Husband yet because thinking about it just makes me want to cry. I was miserable at work all day and went to talk to my best work friend N, and burst in to tears as I was telling her. In her office with people walking by. I hadn’t cried in a few weeks, not since Memorial Day weekend and my nasty PMS moods, but there I was today. And I am not PMS-ing because, according to my BBT charting, I ovulated some time on Saturday.

Tonight I was taking my prenatal pills and thought to myself, why? Why bother? I should just let it go. My eggs are probably shitty because I am a shitty person who can’t feel happy for other’s good news, and even had some really terrible thoughts like “Why is she telling people so early? Didn’t she learn anything from my experience?” and “We have nothing in common anymore and maybe I just won’t talk to her again”. MY BEST FRIEND! Since we were 5 years old and I am thinking I should just ignore her and forget about her the rest of my life. Why bother trying anymore, I will probably just have something equally as terrible happen to me if I get pregnant again.

I’ve had waves of anger about/towards everyone – myself, The Husband, my friends, certain family members, even my baby. Yes, I at one point thought – “Why couldn’t the baby just develop normally? Why did the baby have to go be abnormal? How hard is it to grow a kidney?”

I’ve had so many thoughts and emotions and tears in the past 24 hours. For some reason this has brought a lot of my grief to the front again. I can’t document them all now or remember them all. We are also approaching July – I would have less than a month to go if I was still pregnant. 

I was really hoping to post about my great long weekend at the beach but this was at the top of my mind. Maybe tomorrow.

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4 Responses to I’m just see through faded, super jaded and out of my mind

  1. myhopejar says:

    You are not a bad person hon! I have been there too. My SIL kept baby #3 from me until she was 14 weeks because she was afraid it would hurt me. The crazy thing, is I already knew. I told my husband a month before when she was visiting that I thought she was pregnant and it turned out she was. I waited a month for her to tell me and the entire time, my hurt and resentment grew. It wasn't her news that hurt me, but the fact that she felt she needed to keep it from me. Okay yes, if I'm being honest, of course the news sucked too. It made me sad, but I was sad for myself that I lost my son and had so many miscarriages after losing him. It made me feel hopeless that she could so easily grow her family the way she wanted, and I was still trying to have one baby. She and I eventually talked and worked it out, but it was really hard on me. Your friend is just living her life and didn't do this to hurt you, but the fact that she felt the need to keep it from you really does hurt. I hope she can understand this. Sending you prayers you can work this out with her given your history.

    I hope you know you didn't do anything wrong hon, and I know you're scared to try again, but I hope you won't give up. I know it's hard. I live in constant fear of something going wrong all the time with this new pregnancy. Even with our recent normal NIPT test, I still worry, but I just have to take it one day at a time, and have faith that this time it's different. Yes, something could go wrong again, but there's just as much a possibility it could all go right next time. Sending you a big virtual hug.

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  2. Ashleigh S says:

    hank you so much. You are too kind. I know we will work it out but it's still a little raw for me. It seems like such a cliche at times but you are so right – one day at a time, or hour at a time, whatever helps get through the tough days. I know you are scared too and I am sending so many prayers your way for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy.

    Like

  3. myhopejar says:

    That is completely understandable! Continue to take it one day, on hour and one minute at a time hon. It's all you can do. Big, big hug! and thanks!

    Like

  4. Pingback: Annnnnnd we’re talking about your kids again | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

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