And you gotta keep goin’ down the long black road

Feeling down in the dumps and tired today and for the majority of the week.

Today at work when I went to get my morning snack (just ended up being mint/lime infused water) I bumped smack into two of the pregnant chicks at work. One of them I knew was pregnant, the other I didn’t know but it was very apparent today – her baby bump was out there. This makes three pregnant women running around work. Another of the pregnant women had her baby earlier this week, and the “Congratulations” announcement was on the  company intranet.

Tuesday we got invited to a Jack and Jill “Baby BBQ” over Facebook for The Husband’s friends. Their baby is due early September. Mind you, this is their second baby, but they’ve registered for gifts and so are expecting gifts. I don’t know how you all feel, but I personally do not feel like people should have a shower for each pregnancy. I feel like one is enough. It’s your own business if you want to have one, or two, or five children and I do not begrudge you the right to have as many children as you want, but don’t don’t expect others to keep subsidizing your pregnancies. Plus, I hate extremely dislike pregnant people right now and don’t feel like celebrating anyone’s pregnancy. I’m sorry if that’s rude, but it is what it is! The Husband thinks they invited us thinking that if we weren’t invited we would be hurt/insulted. The opposite is true – I would be THANKFUL to not be invited. I already RSVP’d no, pretty much immediately upon seeing the invitation on FB, and didn’t have to think twice about it. Then yesterday we get a paper invitation in the mail! Why do I need two invitations? Isn’t that overkill? To top it off the “Baby BBQ” is a week from Saturday! Nothing like a week and a half notice! Do they think we are just sitting around in misery with nothing to do? I just think this whole situation is stupid.

Waah waah waah waah.

Then tonight we get a call that The Husband’s cousin overdosed on percocets tonight. He was snorting percocets, od’ed, became unresponsive and the ambulance came. They were able to revive him by using meds, and transported him to the hospital. He is going to live but was near death.  The Husband’s uncle (the cousin’s father) passed away in November (about two weeks after we found out we were pregnant) of a heart attack. We thought that the baby would be good news and would help everyone on that side of the family have some hope and bring them out of their sadness a little. Then in February we lost the baby. Now this. And it feels like there is this black cloud over us sometimes. I feel like I am always waiting for another shoe to drop.

Sigh.

And I’ve been super tired pretty much all week. My allergies are bothering me. I am leaving on Saturday for the beach on a family vacation. The Husband is staying home, he has to work, and I am going for only two nights. But it will be nice to get away, spend time with family and get some time in at the beach. Especially since yesterday one of my aunt’s was conversing with me over text and said I had been “distant” lately.

You know what? Yes, I have been distant! And I don’t care! I have been distant with everyone. I don’t feel like talking to people about mundane gossip and whatnot. I just want to be by myself! I don’t think I am depressed or anything like that, but I just want to focus on me. If I don’t feel like going to a family party, so be it. If I don’t text you, maybe it’s not because I’m mad/upset at you – maybe I just don’t have anything to say! Honestly the only people I talk to about the baby and the loss are The Husband and the ladies in my support group. I don’t even talk about it with my best friend, or good friends, or co-workers, or family. I just don’t feel like discussing that with them, or ttc with them, or what my thoughts are or plans are for a future family. I just don’t want to discuss it with anyone. 

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